News from Bree: The Vegetable Delegation…
Dear Readers, this reporter has a most astonishing
report to make. Had I not experienced it myself, I would doubt that it could
be true. However, you know that I am indeed an intrepid reporter, brave,
bold, intelligent, and best of all, I can talk to anyone.
My sweetie Sauron and I were relaxing by the pool
today, tossing back Strawberry Daiquiris and Margaritas (the sun here in
Puerto Vallarta is really hot), when I heard a commotion out back, by the
Imagine my surprise, when I went to check it out, to be met by a Giant Turnip, wearing a sombrero and shades.
Behind the Turnip was a crowd of other Vegetables, and I could see they were in a stew, so to speak.
“We need to talk to someone,” the Giant Turtle said. “We have been in-salted, and we want to set the Story straight.”
There was a kind of hum, and the Vegetables all
nodded their heads. Those that had heads, I mean, like the Cabbage, and
I invited them to join us by the Pool. They hesitated.
“What about him, you know, the Dark Lord?” the Potato asked. “He wouldn’t
be fancying anything like Baked Potatoes, would he?”
I hastened to assure the Potato that Sauron would
be on his best behavior, and that he would not “Turn – ip the heat”. (Sad
to say, no one laughed.)
“Lettuce go in, then,” the Turnip said.
They crowded in, and arranged themselves tastefully
on the concrete deck. (The arrangement has given me a swell idea for tomorrow’s
salad, by the way…)
“Well,” the Turnip said, “it’s best to start at
the beginning. We were insalted today, on that Middle Earth board. Some
old trout named Vision said that Turnips had no feelings! This is Vegetable-ism!
We won’t stand for it!”
Another hum. I could sense this was a deeply rooted
feeling on their part. “I read that,” I conceded. “I confess I was shocked.
But Vision only spoke as people do, you know. I don’t think she meant anything
personal by it.”
“Personal!” The Cauliflower spoke up. “Personal!
It’s bad enough they cover us in cheese sauce! But to say we have no feelings….well,
it made my head spin, I can tell you that.”
The Peas nodded. I think they were twins, they
were as like as Peas in a Pod. “Us too,” they said. “We were green with
envy, at first, when we heard that Turnip had been mentioned by name, but
not when we read the comment. We think it’s awful, to have someone casting
asparagus on us Vegetables!”
“It beets me,” said Spud Potato, “why you humans
think you can insalt us, tear us up by the roots, peel us of our illusions,
as if we was just vegetables! I mean, we are just Vegetables, but there’s
more to us than stalks and stems.”
“Leaf us alone! That’s what I say,” cried a slender Carrot.
“Now, now, Carragorn,” said the Brussels Sprouts,
all at once, their piping voices reminding me of the famous Chipmunks, who
had so many wonderful Hits in my youth.
“Carragorn?” I said. “Why are you Carragorn?”
The Carrot drew himself up. “Deep roots are not touched by the frost,” he quoted. “Not many roots deeper than mine.”
“He’s Bean on a Quest, too,” piped up the Brussels Sprouts. “It all stems from that movie, you know, the one about the Ring?”
“Yes,” I said. I glanced at Sauron who was pea-ring
sourly over his shades. He always gets a little pea-ved when anyone mentions
“What quest?” I asked, taking up my notepad. “Tell me more.”
Carragorn looked shyly away. “I don’t know,” he said. “It’s kind of a corny story.”
The Broccoli stalked over and shook his head. “It’s a grand tale, and deserves to be told.”
“Don’t use words with ‘serve’ in them,” the Lima Bean said, “you know it makes us nervous.”
The Celery crunched across the deck, keeping an
eye on the Salt Shaker near Sauron. “It beets me all hollow,” Celery snapped,
“why you humans can’t just lettuce alone!”
“Yes, yes, I agree,” I agreed. “But I want to know more about Carragorn’s quest!”
The Giant Turnip sighed. Really, the smell of
Turnips….however, that’s neither here nor there, as they say. The Giant
Turnip sighed. “Maybe another time we can tell that tale, but for now, we
just wanted to get our hurt feelings out, uprooted, so to speak.”
“It’s best,” the Cabbage said. “Although a Root Vegetable like you ought to wear some Sunblock.”
“No, no,” the Lettuce cried. “It’s too much like Salad dressing!”
“Or oil for deep frying,” Spud Potato said. “Which
reminds me. Too much talk of Fried Fish and Chips by that Samwise character!
How do you think that makes me feel?”
“Or the Fish, either, for that matter,” said the Parsley.
I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. “Maybe that’s
enough for one day,” I said. “My feelings are all in a stew, I can’t take
it all in at once.”
The Vegetables agreed. “Lettuce go,” the Turnip said, “for we have done enough for one day, to bring our Cause to the world.”
I let them out the back gate, and watched as they rustled down the alley.
Then I saw something that made my hair stand on
end. There was a Fish, swimming upstream to our pool. He was carrying a
sign: I’m not just a cold Fish, the sign read……