News from Bree: Sauron's Unemployment

by Vison

Dear readers, it seems like an age since Your Reporter had any News From Bree. Sauron, my cara sposo, and I have been chilling out by the pool, catching a few rays, and generally hanging out.

But with the release of the EE of ROTK, Saurie is getting, you know, fractious? He’s mumbling and rumbling and his non-face would be wearing a frown if he could frown, if you catch my drift. He’s talking in his sleep, and the name “Peter Jackson” keeps coming up. I hope there isn’t going to be any of the unpleasantness we had when the DVD of FOTR came out and my Sweetie the Erstwhile Dark Lord had caused them all to be blank! Still, it wasn’t all bad, for that’s when Saurie and I first….you know…..well……it led to our marriage, let’s put it that way.

Living with a bodiless wraith has its ups and downs, but then, what marriage is perfect? I get PO’d when his tin pjamas poke holes in the upholstery, and the constant clanking gets on my nerves, but then, we never have to buy heating oil and we are certainly not bothered by any burglars. I guess word went out into the Underworld that our house is NOT a good target!! Sauron didn’t actually DEVOUR that guy, after all, he doesn’t have any teeth, being a non-corporeal entity!

I see by the paper that Viggo Mortenson is doing a book signing at our local Barnes and Noble, and I’ve hidden the article from Mr. Big. He’d go bananas, he just hates Viggo, being completely unable to separate him in his mind from Aragorn son of Arathorn. Somehow Viggo bugs Sauron more than Elijah Wood or Andy Serkis, which puzzles me a bit, after all they were the ones that did away with the Ring….oops. I mustn’t even think that word. Creeps me out, at times, the way he knows what I’m thinking……

I saw him today, staring at the spot on the mantle where the Oscar was supposed to go. I mean, the Eye seemed to be staring there. To distract him, I made him help me hang a picture, that beam of light he can shoot out of his Eye is just as good as a laser level. He’s never gonna love doing household chores, but what the hey, keeps him out of trouble!

No, nothing much has been happening. We’re planning to buy the EE, of course, and I sorta dread that because I’m going to have to listen to all that whining and moaning about billing and screenwriting credits, etc., but since we signed that contract with Peter things have been much better money-wise. Even Dark Lords need money, which is still a shock to my cara sposo…..

Now, that reminds me. I hear they’re maybe going to do “The Hobbit” and since there’s no part in it for Sauron, he’s going into the Agent business. His old buddy Smaug needs a little guidance in the Entertainment Industry, doncha know!!!