News from Bree

by Vison
The Dark Lord Packs for Toronto


Well, cher readers! The great moment is nearly upon us. And guess what? My sweetie Sauron, Dark Lord of Mordor, has once again been snubbed by that hairy little wretch from New Zealand!

Were we invited to the festivities in New Zealand? No, we were not. Were we invited to the Hollywood Premiere? No, we were not.

Readers, you might not believe it, but my Saurie’s non-heart is broken. If he had a face, it would be wet with tears of grief and chagrin. All last night he tossed and turned, turned and tossed. It’s no picnic for me, I can tell you. That tin suit of his is noisy at the best of times, but at three in the morning when I’m trying to sleep, it’s beyond bearing!

“Why?” he sobbed. “Why? Why can’t they see that without me, there would be no flaming movie? Who is the Lord of the Rings? Me!!!!”

“Saurie, my precious,” I said, in my most gentle voice. “That’s not grammatical. You should say, ‘I!!!!!!”, not, ‘me!!!!!!!!!’.”

“For Pete’s sake!” he thundered. Then, with a sarcastic laugh, “No, not Pete’s sake! I will never mention that little villain’s name again!”

I saw that I was in for a night of it now. “That’s the right philosophy, honey,” I said. “Put it all out of your mind. Move on to something new.”

He scowled blackly. “Move on? Move on to something new? And what, pray tell, you ninnyhammer, might that be? There aren’t many career paths opening before me, you idiot! Who wants the Former Dark Lord of Mordor? Do you think I can do endorsements for Adidas or something?” He laughed bitterly. “I can see it all now. Leaving office? Being run out of town? Wear Adidas! They’ll let you flee in style!”

“Well, you never know, sweetie. I mean, who would have thought that Colonel Sanders would make Chicken Rings to honour the opening of the movie?”

His non-shoulders sagged and he turned his non-face away from me with a deep sigh. “You just don’t understand!” he said sadly. “I was the Dark Lord for Ages. Just Ages and Ages.. And now, now I will be Nothing. Just a puff of smoke! Just a nasty smell, like a candle being snuffed. Me!!!! One of the Maiar! One of the Mighty.”

Once he gets into this self-pitying mood there is only one way to cheer him up. Saurie loves to travel, and I had a brilliant thought.

“Listen, poopums, I have a brilliant thought! Here, come here and let me whisper it in your non-ear………”

“Toronto! Where the blazes is Toronto?”

“It’s in Canada, I think. Here, let’s check on this globe. Yup. Look, it’s right here, just above the USA. In this little pokey-down bit of Canada? See?”

“Doesn’t it snow a lot there?” he asked, doubt in his voice.

“Honey, in your tin suit, you’ll never notice! The heat of your non-feet will melt the snow anyway. Come on, precious Saurie! Let’s thumb our noses at those New Line people! Let’s go where the real fans are going! Let’s give them the thrill of their lives!”

I could see he was already cheering up. A grin spread across his non-face. (For a non-corporeal being, his expressions are wonderful.) “You’re right,” he said. “You are absolutely right. Why, we’ll show those movie people! We’ll have THE party of the New Age! We will get down, and boogie the nights away! We’ll laugh, we’ll cry, at the movies……..” Then his voice broke. “Oh, I can’t! I just can’t go to the movies! To see myself being destroyed like that? How much more do you think I can take?”

“Honey-pie,” I soothed. “You don’t have to go NEAR the movies! You can hang around the Sheraton signing autographs and getting your picture taken. Why, some of those fans will PAY you to have their picture taken with you! Think of it! And we’ll charge them in US dollars, poopsie! None of that funny Canadian money for us!”

He smiled with his non-mouth. “Sometimes you are nearly clever,” he praised. “Why, we can go home with more money than we’re going to spend going there! This is great!”

He opened our closet. “Where are those suitcases? Come on, let’s get packed and blow this popstand…………”

Cya in Toronto, dear readers…………………….