Keep an eye out for Hobbits, the Boss says. Hobbits! Those little
rats! I hear them, trotting along, laughing, carefree! They’re not even wearing
shoes, half of them……don’t they know they could step on a sharp rock?
No…wait….that would be good for our side, right? Yeah….I hope they step on a sharp rock…..That old guy with the beard….thinks he’s so hot…..he can make a little flame with his wand or whatever it is…..Hah! Wait’ll he gets a load of me!
Two big chaps with swords. Two, for pete’s sake! One ought to be enough for anyone, I’d think, especially since swords can’t hurt me anyway….I hope no one brought a fire extinguisher! That would ****** me up totally!
And, get this, they brought a Dwarf. A Dwarf. Well, I hope he’s livelier than the last bunch. All they did was hang around that big book and write everything down. As if anyone was ever going to read it! No fun in them. When I wanted to get up a game of football, they took off running, and I had to play with those stupid Orcs. And they can’t play worth beans…..
They have an Elf, too, I see. Pretty guy with long blonde hair…..now, wasn’t there some chick, out there in the Yellow Bushes? Galloper or something? She was a wet blanket, and if a Balrog hates anything, it’s a wet blanket….this Elf, though, seems to be a boy. That’s just not fair, if you ask me. Everyone has two genders, but not Balrogs….it sure gets lonely, if you know what I mean, on a Saturday night. I just hate making Flames all on my own. It seems….sorta……well…..unnatural.
Why does Alphonse have to keep thumping on that drum? I think they get the picture, Alphonse……and you couldn’t keep a beat in a sack, either……no rhythm at all. And those Orcs! That high-pitched screaming really gets me down. No wonder I have a headache all the time…..so. One of those little brutes is carrying some Ring, eh? What good is a Ring to me? If I put it on, it’ll melt—even if I hold it in my hand…..sometimes the Boss just doesn’t think…..
No, he never thinks about us, the Monsters. He just Uses us, and I for one am getting pretty fed up with it. We have to mooch around in these dark caves and what not, or in swamps, and do all the dirty work….and he gets to be King Mucky-muck…..and what do we get out of it? Me, I get a headache, and I am also completely put off by the way these Orcs smell. You’d think they’d have a bath now and again……
Well, it looks like they figure on crossing the bridge. Maybe if I go out and talk to them, they’d stay and BS a bit……I sure would like some adult conversation…..these Orcs are pretty inarticulate, and as for that Troll, well……the Boss has gone too far, cooking that one up…..what if it gets off its chain……well, here goes. I’ll put my hand out in the Universally recognized sign of Friendship……oops! Well, guess again………