Legolas Goes to Work

by Varda
Toybiz Legolas usually sits on the radio in the kitchen but on Saturdays he comes to work with me. He is not much good with hardware but enjoys getting out of the house. He came along today, settling into the passenger seat. Looking at the sea of cars he asked;
‘Is this the muster of Rohan?’
‘No’ I said ‘this is a traffic jam’

At work he sat on the cash till surveying the customers. One asked;
‘Can I have a packet of weedkiller? I want to kill all the plants in my yard…’
‘Well you shouldn’t’ snapped Legolas. ‘You should be ashamed of yourself, calling yourself a man…’
‘Yes I am a man..’ replied the customer puzzled.
‘Well then you are a man in whom the blood of Numenor has absolutely dried up to want to kill plants….. ‘

The next customer wanted rat poison.
‘I’m pestered with mice, moreover they fire tiny arrows at my cat. I want to kill them…’
‘Shame on you!’ shouted Legolas, standing up on the till ‘to want to kill any living thing! All life is our brother, the animals the trees, even the stars….’
‘Forget it’ said the customer quickly exiting the shop.

‘I want to paint my living room….’ Said the next customer. ‘Can you recommend a colour….’
‘Yes, green’ replied Legolas
‘But it is too cold….’ Objected the customer.
‘Nonsense!’ said Legolas briskly ‘It will keep you green and growing….’
Exit customer with a can of green paint.

A customer came up with a hammer.
‘Are these hammers any good?’ he asked. Legolas examined it.
‘Oh yes, Gimli would definitely approve of that one…’
‘Who is Gimli?’ asked the customer.
‘Gimli son of Glóin, noblest of the dwarves of Middle Earth….’ Replied Legolas.
Customer tiptoes from shop clutching purchase of hammer in paper bag….

One of the staff comes in late; his car has broken down on the next street. He goes off to push it down a side street.
‘I’ll help you!’ said Legolas, jumping down from the till.
'Thanks, Faramir!' said the lad. Legolas winces.
'Go see the films, will you?' he mutters then accompanies the member of staff round the corner and they begin to push the car.

Workers on a nearby building site see them and come out to help. They line up behind the car. One says to Legolas;
‘Do you always wear tights, man?’
‘And what is with the bow and arrows?’ asked another ‘Are you Robin Hood?’

Legolas by now knows when humans are joking. As the car begins to move items of clothing begin to slip on the workmen, revealing what is known as an Irish Cleavage. One of the men says to Legolas;
‘You don’t sweat and your pants don’t fall off when you move; you can’t be Irish and maybe you are not even human. I know, you are an Elf!’
Legolas bows and the workmen applaud….

‘Do you know e’er an ould Middle Earth song?’ ask the men.

A long time later Legolas re-appears, slightly unsteady.
‘Where have you been?’ I ask.

‘’On Raglan Road in November….’’ sings Legolas.
‘Have you been drinking?’ I ask suspiciously.
‘Only pints of Guinness’ said Legolas smugly

‘Fifteen of them….’