LOTR Legal Warnings

by StarPaul20 with additions

Warning labels and disclaimers are everywhere in today's world. Notice that there are none in Lord of the Rings? You don't see anyone walking around with a clipboard behind Saruman assuring he doesn't make unwarranted claims about his Uruk-hai army. No one leans in to give legal advice to Sauron as he's tortures Gollum. There is no 1-800 number and general warning label on the handle of every sword. There’s no disclaimer on the One Ring about putting it on.

And so I started thinking... Lord of the Rings... with warnings and disclaimers...

Gandalf*: Go back to the Abyss! Fall into the nothingness that awaits you and your master. (This is a closed circle with professional trained men. Do not attempt this at home.)

Witch-King**: Do you not know death when you see it, old man. This is my hour. (This statement is intended to provide general qualification but is not limited solely to the domain of death nor does it imply specific certifications in other philosophical ideologies concerning morality. Your death may vary.)

* "Gandalf" can be subsituted at any time and without prior notice with "Gandalf the White", "Gandalf the Gray", "Old Man", "Mithrandir", or "Grey Pilgrim".

** "Witch-King" can be substituted at any time and without prior notice with "Witch-King of Angmar", "Black Captain", " Lord of the Nazgul", "Lord of Minas Morgul" or "The greatest of the Nine".


Frodo: The Ring is mine. (The opinions expressed by this Hobbit are the sole property of Frodo Baggins and are not intended to reflect the opinions of the Baggins family or The Shire, or any of its affiliates or subsidiaries, implied or expressed. Taking the Ring can result in common side effects including fear, anger, aggression, nausea, dry mouth, hatred, suffering, headaches, and in extreme cases, losing your index finger. Consult your physician before engaging in taking the Ring.)


Oh I almost forgot: (The opinions expressed in this post are the sole property of Starpaul20 and are not intended to reflect the opinions of the LOTR Fan Club or J.R.R. Tolkien, or any of its affiliates or subsidiaries, implied or expressed.)


Galadriel: Will you look into the Mirror? (Objects in Mirror may be closer than they appear.)

Wraiths at the Ford of Bruinen: "Come back! Come back! To Mordor we will take you!" (To reduce risk of death, Keep Away from Water - Danger! Do not use while bathing. Do not use near or place in water. If Wraith falls into water, no not reach into water to retrieve it.)
- Primula

Elrond: It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. (Caution: Contents may be hot) One of you must do this.  (Elrond Peredhil and Rivendell incorporated ® take no responsibility for the possible bodily harm resulting in death of the bearer or close-personal-hobbit-friends after prolonged contact with anyone who may wish to murder you)
- Primula & Evermind

: The shards of Narsil! (Warning: Blade may be sharp. This sword not suitable for children under the age of 3. Adult supervision required.)
- Daughter of Kings

Lorien Pride Lembas is baked to an original Lembas Recipe, using only the finest ingredients. Lembas is traditionally served on long quests, or at any time with tea.
Nutrition Facts
serving size: 1 piece
servings per leaf: 6
Amount per serving
calories: 3,000
calories from fat: 1,000
% daily value
total fat 100%
cholesterol 100%
sodium 100%
total carbohydrate 100%
protein 100%
Store in a cool dry place.
May contain traces of peanuts. NOT SUITABLE FOR NUT ALLERGY SUFFERERS
Best used before T.A. 03.25.3019
 - sarahstitcher

Are you restless at bedtime? Do you have difficulty feeling sleepy?
If yes, than you might be right for Celeborn. Celeborn helps lull you into a deep, lasting sleep. Just one Celeborn taken at bedtime can leave you fully entranced in a restfull state that you'll be reluctant to awake from. See your botanist for directions. Some users may find they are allergic to Celeborn. Stop using Celeborn if you experience nausea, boredom, coma, sudden violent urges, panic, flight response, or a sudden increase or decrease of libido. Any of these may be signs that Celeborn is not right for you. Celeborn, brought to you by the makers of Celebrex, for when you're experiencing prolonged stiffness, and sudden migraines...

Do you suffer from anxiety? Are you tense, moody, and prone to troublesome thoughts? If yes, then you should consult your herbologist about new, fast acting Denethorazine. With Denethorazine, your mind becomes cleared of all the worry and static that comes with stress and responsibility. With Denethorazine, you won't feel that forlorn hopelessness that influences you toward destructive behavior of yourself or your loved ones. Find out about new Denethorazine. People who use Denethorazine may experience hot flashes, sudden flying urge, an inclination to barbeque, and a singular compulsion toward loved ones who also may be inclined to barbeque. Use of Denethorazine is indicated for patients under severe duress, and those who've had ongoing contact with palantirs. Consult your herbologist to see if Denethorazine is right for you.

Attention present and former employees of Barad-Dur LLC.
It has come to the attention of Messrs. Dewey, Cheathem, and Howe, that a class action suit is warranted regarding payment of wages and benefits for all current and formeremployees working under the corporate partnership and subsidiaries of Barad-Dur LLC, Black Gate Industries, and Sauron limited. All current and former employees are entitled to current wages, overtime, backpay, severence, and existing health coverage, retroactive to sixty days prior to the geological cataclysm which brought about the cessation of normal activity and the dispersion of staff and management of the Mordor family of companies. All tax liens, and other such breaches of fiduciary responsibility, such as mordgage payments and orcling support will be addressed in the specified subsections of this lawsuit. This suit will not be concomitant, however, with the injury suits filed against our defense subsidiary Dark Lord, and associates, as those claims regarding permanent disability and/or untimely loss of life are being grouped seperately, and are under the auspices of Mssrs. Morgul, Morgul, and Vale. Thank You.
Enclosed find the necessary parchments, along with copies of your origination dates, and records of service. Please Address all questions to our claims representative, Ms. Shelob  Shelobowitz, at Cirith Ungol, Southwest Tower, Minas Morgul.  She can also be reached, 24 hours a day, at her web address.

When you reach for a cool, refined leaf reach for the best. Only Longbottom leaf and Old Toby blends give you the smooth, sweet scent of the finest Shire grown herbs in all of Middle Earth. Recommended by Wizards and Kings alike, Longbottom leaf offers everyone the same high quality you've come to expect from the very best organic blend. Use of Old Toby brands is forbidden by persons under the age of ascencion. Use of Old Toby brands may cause dizziness, dry mouth, blurred vision, slurred speech, lack of coordination, moderate to unfathomable stupidity, carting accidents, unemployment, increased food obsessiveness (leading to long, long bottoms), marked disinterest in clothing, shaving, time-keeping, and fiscal obligations. For those possessed of Royalty, this is hardly noticeable. In common folk, however, chronic use often results in a lack of acknowledgement and recognition by family, friends, mules, and goats, mostly goats.
Users inevitably turn to us for employment, wherein they are paid in leaf, and the cycle is complete. Support for abusers can be found through the following sites: hitbottom-leaf.org, rolledtoby.net, kick-thehobbit.com, the t.n.b.i.y.l.r society (there's no balrog in your living room), and the weekly open meetings for multiple abusers held at the Laughing Gaffer in Hardbottle.
- Erech the Undead