Channel Surfing through Middle-earth Television

by Redbeard
Television can be so depressing sometimes....


...continuing coverage of OPERATION DARK LORD on Fox News Channel, where we report, and we decide. We now take you to a Fox News exclusive with Geraldo Rivera, on location at Cirith Ungol.

Geraldo: "I'm here with Fordo and Sam Baggins, two brothers who have endured great hardship to venture deep in the heart of enemy territory. Why? We many never know. But their story is just one of the many heartwarming tales to come out of dark times."

Frodo: "Please be quiet. And turn off that camera light. We're trying not to attract attention."

Geraldo: "Don't worry about that, I'm just a reporter. So what brings you here, young man? And what do your parents think of all this?"

Sam: "Don't you talk to Master Frodo that way! We're not children! We're hobbits! We haven't eaten for days and YOU have an entire pack of food! You're bothering my Master and he is on a very important mission. He has to take..."

Frodo: "SAM! ... Leave him be, Sam."

Geraldo: "And there you have it. Two brave young children who have undertaken a personal mission -- a quest if you will -- doing their thing as they attempt to make a contribution of their own -- regardless of how small -- to the war effort."


... with CNN's continuing coverage of ... CRISIS IN THE EAST ... We go now to an exclusive with Wolf Blitzer, deep in the heart of the war zone. Wolf, what can you see there?

Wolf: "Well, John, I am on top of the White Tower of Ecthelion in Minas Tirith. It's night here now, but the sense of anticipation is thick in the air. In the distance you can see what we can only guess must be campfires of the forces of Mordor. Earlier there were some startling flashes of light right over there, just beyond the Great Gates. Based on discussions with our sources in the King's Guard, we believe that some of those flashes may have been wizard fire. We can only speculate regarding any actual confrontations at this point. Back to you, John."


... this Sunday on Disney's Wonderful Arda don't miss "Smaug! The Musical!" featuring Robin Williams as the voice of the dragon. It's the classic tale for the whole family on Sunday at 7 pm Gondorean Standard Time.


... tonight on Booknotes. You're watching C-SPAN, the public affairs network. We now re-join Middle-earth Congress, in session...

"in full agreement with my esteemed colleague, Senator Wormtongue. Now is the time for us to give full support to Saruman the White. While we may not agree with all of his policies, he is our best bet to counter Sauron's advances without committing our own troops with great loss of life. I just came back from a visit to Isengard, and I can report that Saruman has done a remarkable job. Industry is booming in the area, with new factories opening daily. I have also received Saruman's personal assurance that he is succeeding in destroying the dangerous pipe-weed crops that have been spreading from the northern lands. I urge all my colleagues to vote for this important bill, which will provide needed munitions and financial assistance to our new ally."


... and just look at how this ring glistens in the light. It's been called the ring of sapphire, and when you look at this beauty, you can believe it must be sapphire. What's that? We must be crazy! That's right, the price has just dropped again! Did we make a mistake there? Well our mistake is your savings. How many do we have left? Just three! They have the names Nenya, Narya, and Vilya. You better call right away, because these are going to go fast! And we only have 8 of those gorgeous leaf-shaped clasps left...


... and in other news, the administration announced today that it has successfully negotiated a long-term agreement with Saruman the White, giving Isengard unlimited logging rights in the forest of Fangorn.

While Fangorn has previously been considered off-limits for clear-cutting, administration officials noted that this move will create jobs within Isengard and indicated that the agreement included replanting the clear-cut areas. The forestry service is also undertaking a feasibility study regarding logging operations in Lorien with its convenient access to the Great River.


PRAISE Illúvatar! Say it again! PRRRRAISE Illúvatar! In these dark days, it is time more than ever to give generously. With your donation, one of our holy staff will prepare a song on your behalf to sing to Manwë, and as a bonus, you will receive a limited edition plastic statue of the divine Elbereth. Send your donation to Valar Ministries, c/o Orthanc Tower....


...the Attorney General said that the suspension of civil rights in the distant province known as The Shire is a temporary measure to quell demonstrations by protesters who call themselves "The Hobbit Farmers." Peacekeeping forces from Isengard have been dispatched to the area.

And in local news... Police have discovered a body floating in the Great River below Rauros Falls. The unidentified man had been shot several times with arrows. Based on eyewitness reports, police are searching for a gang of outsiders for questioning, including a dwarf, an elf, two midgets, and a so-called "Ranger." They are apparently traveling in secret, wearing capes to disguise themselves and should be considered armed. The police are confident that the gang will be apprehended, but warn citizens to...


Geraldo: I'm now with Fordo and Sam in Torech Ungol. It's a dark place with a dark stench, not the sickly odour of decay in the meads of Morgul, but a foul reek, as if filth unnameable were piled and hoarded in the dark within. The air is still, stagnant, and heavy and despite the light of my camera, the darkness seems impenetrable. And yet, ahead of the young lads, there is a glimmering. I can see two great clusters which look like many-windowed eyes. I am going to investigate further. Out of the way, boys. OK, I'm getting closer -- I think I can see... legs? and... Oh NO! Help! Hel..............."


Sam: "He's gone now, Master"

Frodo: "Yes. But do you remember Gandalf's words: 'Even Geraldo may have something yet to do?' But for him, Sam, the quest would be over.