Channel Surfing through Middle-earth Television
by Redbeard
Television can be so depressing sometimes....
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...continuing coverage of OPERATION DARK LORD on Fox News Channel, where
we report, and we decide. We now take you to a Fox News exclusive with Geraldo
Rivera, on location at Cirith Ungol.
Geraldo: "I'm here with Fordo and Sam Baggins, two brothers who have
endured great hardship to venture deep in the heart of enemy territory.
Why? We many never know. But their story is just one of the many heartwarming
tales to come out of dark times."
Frodo: "Please be quiet. And turn off that camera light. We're trying not to attract attention."
Geraldo: "Don't worry about that, I'm just a reporter. So what brings you here, young man? And what do your parents think of all this?"
Sam: "Don't you talk to Master Frodo that way! We're not children!
We're hobbits! We haven't eaten for days and YOU have an entire pack of
food! You're bothering my Master and he is on a very important mission.
He has to take..."
Frodo: "SAM! ... Leave him be, Sam."
Geraldo: "And there you have it. Two brave young children who have
undertaken a personal mission -- a quest if you will -- doing their thing
as they attempt to make a contribution of their own -- regardless of how
small -- to the war effort."
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... with CNN's continuing coverage of ... CRISIS IN THE EAST ... We go
now to an exclusive with Wolf Blitzer, deep in the heart of the war zone.
Wolf, what can you see there?
Wolf: "Well, John, I am on top of the White Tower of Ecthelion in
Minas Tirith. It's night here now, but the sense of anticipation is thick
in the air. In the distance you can see what we can only guess must be campfires
of the forces of Mordor. Earlier there were some startling flashes of light
right over there, just beyond the Great Gates. Based on discussions with
our sources in the King's Guard, we believe that some of those flashes may
have been wizard fire. We can only speculate regarding any actual confrontations
at this point. Back to you, John."
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... this Sunday on Disney's Wonderful Arda don't miss "Smaug! The Musical!"
featuring Robin Williams as the voice of the dragon. It's the classic tale
for the whole family on Sunday at 7 pm Gondorean Standard Time.
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... tonight on Booknotes. You're watching C-SPAN, the public affairs
network. We now re-join Middle-earth Congress, in session...
"in full agreement with my esteemed colleague, Senator Wormtongue. Now
is the time for us to give full support to Saruman the White. While we may
not agree with all of his policies, he is our best bet to counter Sauron's
advances without committing our own troops with great loss of life. I just
came back from a visit to Isengard, and I can report that Saruman has done
a remarkable job. Industry is booming in the area, with new factories opening
daily. I have also received Saruman's personal assurance that he is succeeding
in destroying the dangerous pipe-weed crops that have been spreading from
the northern lands. I urge all my colleagues to vote for this important
bill, which will provide needed munitions and financial assistance to our
new ally."
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... and just look at how this ring glistens in the light. It's been
called the ring of sapphire, and when you look at this beauty, you can believe
it must be sapphire. What's that? We must be crazy! That's right, the
price has just dropped again! Did we make a mistake there? Well our mistake
is your savings. How many do we have left? Just three! They have the names
Nenya, Narya, and Vilya. You better call right away, because these are going
to go fast! And we only have 8 of those gorgeous leaf-shaped clasps left...
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... and in other news, the administration announced today that it has
successfully negotiated a long-term agreement with Saruman the White, giving
Isengard unlimited logging rights in the forest of Fangorn.
While Fangorn has previously been considered off-limits for clear-cutting,
administration officials noted that this move will create jobs within Isengard
and indicated that the agreement included replanting the clear-cut areas.
The forestry service is also undertaking a feasibility study regarding logging
operations in Lorien with its convenient access to the Great River.
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PRAISE Illúvatar! Say it again! PRRRRAISE Illúvatar!
In these dark days, it is time more than ever to give generously. With your
donation, one of our holy staff will prepare a song on your behalf to sing
to Manwë, and as a bonus, you will receive a limited edition plastic
statue of the divine Elbereth. Send your donation to Valar Ministries, c/o
Orthanc Tower....
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...the Attorney General said that the suspension of civil rights in the
distant province known as The Shire is a temporary measure to quell demonstrations
by protesters who call themselves "The Hobbit Farmers." Peacekeeping forces
from Isengard have been dispatched to the area.
And in local news... Police have discovered a body floating in the Great
River below Rauros Falls. The unidentified man had been shot several times
with arrows. Based on eyewitness reports, police are searching for a gang
of outsiders for questioning, including a dwarf, an elf, two midgets, and
a so-called "Ranger." They are apparently traveling in secret, wearing capes
to disguise themselves and should be considered armed. The police are confident
that the gang will be apprehended, but warn citizens to...
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Geraldo: I'm now with Fordo and Sam in Torech Ungol. It's a dark
place with a dark stench, not the sickly odour of decay in the meads of Morgul,
but a foul reek, as if filth unnameable were piled and hoarded in the dark
within. The air is still, stagnant, and heavy and despite the light of my
camera, the darkness seems impenetrable. And yet, ahead of the young lads,
there is a glimmering. I can see two great clusters which look like many-windowed
eyes. I am going to investigate further. Out of the way, boys. OK, I'm
getting closer -- I think I can see... legs? and... Oh NO! Help! Hel..............."
.......
Sam: "He's gone now, Master"
Frodo: "Yes. But do you remember Gandalf's words: 'Even Geraldo may have something yet to do?' But for him, Sam, the quest would be over.
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