Eomer: What business have a Man, an Elf and a Dwarf in Rohan?
Aragorn: We have an interior design business, but a group of our competitors have captured our best carpet-layers.
(We see Pippin and Merry, exchanging horrified looks as they examine the quality of the carpet they are being forced to lay.)
Eomer: You may seek your employees, then. But do not expect customers. There is little redecorating in these lands.
Sam: (surveying the landscape) These themes really clash. I don’t think Gandalf meant for grey and puce to be mixed this way.
Frodo: He didn’t mean for a lot of things to happen, Sam.
(We see Gandalf violently changing his décor and wardrobe from those old earthy warm tones to a tasteful white)
Aragorn: It cannot be…
Gandalf: (gesturing with his new coordinating curtain rod) I come back to you now, at the change of the fads.
(cut to Edoras, which we note is still done up in earth tones)
Aragorn: The interior decorators are coming, ten thousand strong.
(Shot of army of decorators brandishing their curtain rods.)
Gandalf: Sauron's forces have begun their attack. He is using Saruman to redesign your city.
Eowyn (comforting children): They were never notified – they didn’t even get to choose their own colors!
Gandalf: This is only a taste of the draperies and wallpaper they will bring.
Theoden: I will not risk rearranging my furniture.
Aragorn: The redecorators are coming, whether you want them to or not.
Saruman: There is a new Supervisor of Interior Design arising!
(The army roars and waves curtain rods and extended measuring tapes)
Aragorn: It is an army bred for a single purpose: to redecorate the world of Men.
Theoden: (to Eowyn) You will have to lead them to the Home Depot.
Hama: All must look through the samples until they decide what wallpaper and cabinets they want!
Eowyn: (walking beside Aragorn) Where is she - the woman who painted your bedroom?
Elrond: The alliance between Men and Elves is over. Our decorating contract is ending. Arwen’s contract with you is ending. Let the job go.
(Elrond watches as a long line of Elves parade the newest draperies past him.) No, not that one. Not that one. No…
(Gollum crawls down towards Sam and Frodo, trying to get their designer cabinet knobs away from them, but they capture him
and tie him with a bit of decorative trim.)
Sam: Let’s just leave him here.
Frodo: You know the way to the Bargain Basement Scratch-n-Dent Warehouse.
(Various shots: Frodo looks up, regretting the choice of a chandelier,
hordes of decorators working overtime in the night, Arwen with new sheer drapes over her face.)
(Various shots of the Home Depot, with the interior designers trying to scale the walls as the inhabitants fight for the right to choose their
own color scheme at a reasonable price.)
Saruman: There will be no choice for Men.
(A huge load of heavy books of wallpaper samples hits the walls, breaching them!)
A collage of rapid shots: Decorators rolling tacky brown overstuffed sofas in a deadly charge, Frodo trying to rip the plastic off a new package of blinds, Frodo is entranced by the relaxing pastel patterns of the Marshes and falls straight into them.
Arwen: You have the gift of an artistic eye! What do you think?
Elrond: You shouldn’t have chosen black.
Another set of rapid shots: Merry flees the cheap carpeting warehouse, but is snagged by a forklift, Gandalf on his color-coordinated horse leaping into the fray, the evil roofing company’s oliphaunt approaches to re-roof with cheap colored shingles…
Gandalf: The store must hold our order.
Aragorn: They will hold.
Rapid shots: Frodo recoils from the horror of the Seventies Revival, Eowyn tries to rub paint off of Aragorn’s face…
Elrond: There is nothing for you here. Only a half-price bargain table.
Arwen: I’ll try to cope.
(We see a dramatic crashing open of the doors to Edoras as Aragorn enters with his pockets full of paint sample cards and fabric swatches.)
The Lord of the Redecorators: The Too Trendy