Gimli Gives Legolas a Makeover

by Primula
Legolas, Gimli and Pippin are sitting in the sun of the newly freed city of Minas Tirith.

Legolas:  (thoughtfully) I just don't get it.

Gimli: Get what?

Pippin: Tell us.

Legolas: Why everywhere I go, the women of the city keep throwing themselves at me.

Gimli: (considers this gravely) Hmph. (eyes Legolas critically) I haven't any notion.

Pippin: I know!

Legolas: You do? What is it?

Pippin: Says right here (thumbing through book) - see? says that Legolas was reckoned fair beyond the measure of men.

Legolas: Fair beyond the measure of men? (takes book and reads over the passage self-consciously) What do you think, friend Dwarf?  Is the halfling right?

Gimli: (eyeing him again.) Means they don't know how to measure you. Well, I can see the difficulty in that.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as they say, though it would be quite a stretch to see anything too attractive in that mug of yours.  Perhaps these women aren't too picky, having lost so many men recently they take what they can get. Face not
decently covered by a beard, not even a wispy one. Something wrong with that.

Legolas: I'm willing to improve myself.

Pippin: (trying to be helpful) What do you suggest, Gimli?

Gimli:  Well, hmph.  For starters, you need to slouch a little more. Too tall.  Maybe a weight-lifting routine and mineral regimen would help those stringy muscles too.

Legolas: (deflating slightly) Oh...well, you know I respect your opinions....

Gimli: And well you should! You know I would only tell you these things for your own self-improvement.

Legolas: Of course.

Gimli: So listen well. No counsel is as good as the counsel of someone who knows you well and has your best interests at heart.

Legolas: These are wise words.

Gimli: Right.  You would do well to get away from that compost colored tunic you always wear. That style just accentuates your unnaturally lean and twiggy legs. Try adding a few light, textured layers of burlap, a mail hauberk and a good wide leather,
no...not like that. Buckle it low. Your waist is too skinny.  You'll want to look into some good steel-shod boots also.

Legolas: (glancing at his feet curiously) What's wrong with the boots I already have?

Gimli: Too thin, too lightweight. Women hate it when they can't easily track you down. They want to know where you are.  If you don't leave tracks it just looks like you're being sneaky.

Pippin:  Interesting!  (waggles his toes) I wonder what they think of bare feet.

Legolas: I...had no idea...

Gimli: That's what friends are for.  Here, put on this helm.

Legolas: It's so heavy - and hot!

Gimli: Keeps your brains nice and warm so you can think properly. I'm surprised you've been able to reason anything through at all, letting your hair just flap in the wind that way.  The heaviness keeps it in place, else it would be falling off everytime you moved. Very practical.

Legolas: I see.

Gimli: The geometric design is much cleaner than all that plantish tangle. Very flattering. Now, let me have a look at you.  

(Legolas stands, trying to adjust the layers of burlap under the belt without having the helm slip down over his face. Gimli considers him carefully.)

Gimli: A vast improvement.  But stoop your shoulders a little more.

Pippin: he doesn't look like an Elf.  He looks like a tallish, beardless Dwarf.

Gimli: (smacking forehead) Of course! Of course, how could we miss something so basic?  

(Gimli strides over to Shadowfax and neatly shears a third of the mane off of the astonished horse.  With a few deft twists and tucks, he produces a false horsehair beard. )  Here, my good Elf, put this on. Now we can understand those women following you everywhere. Why, you're a right handsome fellow indeed!

Legolas: (uncertainly) What do you think, Pippin?

Pippin: I think it's rather...different.  You certainly have changed, that way.

Gimli:  (Heartily proud) Indeed! He's a new Elf.  Just wait until the women from the Iron Hills see him! They won't know what hit them. They'll even be braiding thier beards and polishing rocks for him - you'll see. Now Pippin - you know, you could do with a beard too.

Pippin: (backing away) Er...I think I hear Merry calling me. Bye!