Dark! Leafy!

by Primula

Act I

Gimli: Well, here they are at last, Legolas my good elf! The Glittering Caves! Beyond compare! The wonder of the hidden depths
unveiled before your senses, a veritable wonderland of stone and gem, eh? What do you think?

Legolas: It's dark.

Gimli: Oh.

Legolas: What's wrong?

Gimli: I just thought you'd be more...well... Here, let me get a better torch. There! The brightness reflects as the many hues of
the winter stars themselves, like a stream of diamonds set in precious metals! Now what do you think? Marvels of such rarity
you are not likely to ever find anywhere else! (expectant pause)You are stunned speechless by its array of perfected beauty?

Legolas: It's kind of...

Gimli: (eagerly) Yes? Yes?

Legolas: Drippy.

Gimli: ...Drippy.

Legolas: Um...yeah. Drippy. I just got hit by another drop, in fact. Doesn't that bother you?

Gimli: (long pause) Okay. Here - drape this poncho over your head. I'll even fold the edge back so it doesn't block your view
of the stunning natural artistry that surrounds us with its unmatchable grandeur! Hah! What do you say to it now? Dazzling,

Legolas: It's kind of cold.

Gimli: Cold.

Legolas: Aren't you cold? It's a bit clammy in here, don't you think?

Gimli: I suppose you'll be wanting some heat.

Legolas: Well, actually.... (examining Gimli's glowering face) But you did ask me what I thought.

Gimli: I did, I did. You want heat? I'll give you heat! - In fact, I'll gather every last stick of this emergency firewood
over here and set it all on fire! There! A roaring bonfire to warm your toes! All the heat you could want!!! COMFY NOW???!!!

Legolas: It echoes too much in here.

Gimli: WHAT?!

Legolas: It echoes. And now it's smoky too.

Gimli: Use your bricken-bracken eyes you leaf-headed elf! Look around you! What do you see?!

Legolas: Um... Rocks.


Legolas: And puddles. Are we done yet?

Gimli: (beating head on floor while pulling at beard)

Legolas: I say - when you're finished, how about we go visit the woods?

Act II

Legolas: (breathing deeply) Ahhhhh! The woods of Fangorn! Woods of such depth and mystery as I have not enjoyed for many a
long year. A unique and awe-inspiring community of growing things, so alive, each one with its own intricate pattern to lend
to the interwoven tapestry of the forest. What do you think of it, Gimli, my good dwarf?

Gimli: It's kind of...

Legolas: (eagerly) Yes?

Gimli: Leafy.

Legolas: (pause) Leafy? This from the dwarf who spouted sheer poetry about rocks? It's just...leafy?

Gimli: Well, yeah. Leafy. And green. It's green, too.

Legolas: (long pause. Rallys for a second try) Green! Yes -you speak truly, my most excellent friend! The many-hued beauty of
growing things, every varied shade of green that has ever existed in our world since time began, every muted hue and bright
life of springtime, all fading into the softness of rich golds and earthen tones...it is a living, breathing piece of poetry,
the song of the forest...Ahhhh! Smell the complexity and depth of it's unmatchable perfume!

Gimli: (sniffing) Smells like compost.

Legolas: Compost.

Gimli: (sniffing again) Yup. Compost.

Legolas: I know somewhere down in your dwarvish heart is a true appreciation of beauty, so I forgive your indelicate
description. Behold the marvel of the trees - rank upon rank they stand, formidable and lovely, bridging the hearts leap from
earth to sky, as if they support the heavens themselves with their mighty canopies!

Gimli: Not quite sure which ones you're referring to. There's an awful lot of trees around here, don't you think?

Legolas: (speechless)

Gimli: Are we done yet?

Legolas: Look around you! Open your eyes you mineral-addled dwarf! What do you see?!

Gimli: (giving it serious consideration) Um...moss. Lots of moss. And some of those, whatcha-callums...root thingys. (seeing
Legolas is still not pleased) Pieces of old bark?

Legolas: ARRRRGHHH! (stuffing moss in Gimli's mouth and beating him on the head with a stick)

Gimli: Mmmmmff! Owff!