The Fellowship of Barbie

by Primula

What if Mattell had the rights to demand LOTR cast some Barbie doll characters?

A possible sampling of scenes...

~~~ in the wilderness ~~~

Arwen: (brightly, with a fixed smile) Hi! I'm Arwen! Don't you love my dress? It's the latest fashion. Oopsy-daisy! You've been stabbed by a ringwraith! (a pretty toss of the head) It's all right. I'll just take you to my home on my horse.

(We see Arwen bundling Frodo onto a perfectly clean white horse with pink barrettes in its mane and an large pink bow in its braided tail. It bats its oversized eyelashes and champs at its pink glitter bit. Arwen mounts behind Frodo, then pauses to carefully smooth out and arrange her skirt.)

Arwen: We can't ride very fast - you don't mind, do you? - Of course not. My hair is just impossible to manage when it gets windblown.

Frodo: (groans)

Arwen: Dearie me, here come some big, bad ringwraiths! Now I'll have to ride faster and my dress will get all muddy. (sighs dramatically) The sacrifices I make.... Just a moment (pulls out pocket mirror and smooths out her lipstick). All right, now I'm ready for some close-up shots. Here we go!

~~~~ in Lothlorien ~~~

The Fellowship stands arrayed at the bottom of the steps. Ken as Celeborn and Barbie as Galadriel descend in a cloud of sparkles down the white plastic stairs.

Celeborn: (Exactly like Martin Csokas, except with a fixed smile) Eight there are yet nine set out from Rivendell. Where is Gandalf? For I much desired to speak with him.

Galadriel: (perky) Hi! I'm Galadriel! Gandalf has fallen into shadow! Ha ha! Too bad! (swishing her skirt) Don't you love my dress? It matches with Celeborn's cummerbund and tie! Even the sequins! I have really nice eyes, don't you think?

The Fellowship: (dumbfounded)

Galadriel: You know, you look like you need some rest. I know: you can use the pink canopy princess beds! And the matching pink nightstands! (smoothing her hair back with one hand) I just love pink, don't you?

Fellowship: (gagging in dismay)

(Later, at the Mirror)

Galadriel: (patting her hair into place) Do you want to look into the Mirror?

Frodo: What will I see?

Galadriel: You have a little bit of something green between your front teeth. I thought you'd like to fix that. Appearances are sooo important if you want to make the right impression, you know!

Sam: (examining it suspiciously) This isn't a mirror. This is some mylar stuck on a plastic base, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: Do I really have something stuck between my teeth?

Sam: Lemme see...yup. Oh, nope. It's gone now.

Frodo: Hmmm. (peering curiously at the mirror) This thing makes my face look wobbly.

Galadriel: (posing with her hand outstretched) Do you like my ring?

Sam: All I see is a hole through your hand, M'am.

Galadriel: (laughing giddily) How about you, Ringbearer?

Frodo: I see it, but it looks like it's on a peg stuck through the hole. Doesn't that hurt?

Galadriel: Oh, it's not so bad. I do get weary of having to push my earrings into my head, though! Ah, the price of being beautiful. Do you like my dress?

Frodo: (edging away) I think you asked us that before.

Galadriel: Did I? Silly me! Did you know it has matching shoes and a handbag? And if you want, you can decorate the handbag with these cute little glittery stickers!

Sam: (also edging away) Mr. Frodo, sir, I think we better be getting back to the others...

Galadriel: Wait! It came with these little tubes of colored gel you can streak your hair with too.... Aren't they just toooo cute!

(Sam and Frodo flee)