Ask the Characters
Gathered by Primula
Thanks to the members of Emyn Arnen for a game well played.
If you go to www.stupidring.com (I think that's the address) you'll be
able to read an absolutely hilarious thing called 'Ask the Characters'!
It gives a link to the site wherefrom it came, but unfortunately the
site is no longer playing that game.
What happens is this: Person A asks a question of a particular LOTR
character. Then Person B comes along, answers the question as that
character; and asks another question of another character. One example
Person A: So, Eowyn, what's it like being a shieldmaiden in a man's world?
Person B: Take care of the women and old people, wash the dishes, kill
the WitchKing, sweep the floor, wash the dishes, take care of the women
and old people....
...And Gil-Galad: How do you like being remembered only as 'The Chap That Died'?
Ok, so if I haven't confused you, here we go:
Faramir, what do think of Eowyn's stew?
Faramir: "I do not love the broth for its nourishment, nor the
meat for its flavor, nor the herbs for their potency. I love only
that hand which prepares them: that of my wife, the Princess of
Q: So, Denny, mate, what is with the cherry tomatoes and playing
with your food? Apparently manners do to not apply to Gondorian
Stewards but I need this little bit cleared up.
Denethor: Mate, that's not 'playing'. It's simple precaution
dating back to the time when an orc's eyeball got into the King's salad
by mistake...You always wanted to know why Queen Beruthiel was exiled?
Now you know...it was her who put the eyeball in.
Q: OK: Galadriel. How EXACTLY did you meet your husband?
Galadriel: Look. The Trees were dead, I was bored, civil war was
upon us and there were exactly two Elves willing to get the heck out of
Valinor -- one being my pervy half-uncle who kept obsessing over my
hair. You do the math.
Q: So Eomer, what's it like being the only bachelor king left in all of Middle-Earth? And spare not the details.
Eomer:: Oh you know, the other Kings are always trying to set me up. >_<;;
Prince Imrahil is particularly insistant about his daughter,
which isn't too bad....What's worse is when your own younger sister
gets into act. What is it with married people?
Q: Legolas - Are you ever going back to your own county of
Mirkwood (and be responsible) and stop making the rest of us look bad?
Sliding down stairs on shields indeed!
Legolas: It is hardly my fault you mortals are so
incompetent in battle. I do recall once I had to positively drag Gimli
by his beard out of the a particularly nasty fray of orcs threatening
to mate him to a she-orc to create a sort of dwarfish/orcish race
that would be very terrible and smelly and quite unable to hold their
liquor. I can not help that I am so very skilled at doing tricky little
battle maneuvers and saying foolishly poetic lines whilst running very
fast. What am I supposed to do? Step back and watch you mortals let the
entirety of Middle-earth be overrun by orcs (who are really no
different from men except with a bit poorer hygiene).
And now if you excuse me I must practice saying something terribly
lyrical about trees or the stars while engaging in battle with orcs,
now. Farewell, pathetic mortal beings... (A red sun is vieled- No
that's not quite it. He is here and has brought his whips- not quite
there, now is it?)
Q: Now a question for Merry; having spent so much time on the
back of a horse with our delectable white lady of Rohan, are you now
spoilt forever from being attracted to small, chubby ladies with curly
brown hair and big feet?
Merry: Unfortunately I MUST renew my taste in ladies my own
size, for if I tried to move things further along with a certain white
lady I would probably meet my death on the blade of the new Prince of
Ithilien. It is a shame that riding horseback with someone and
further saving her life (no matter what SHE thinks) doesn't count for
Q: The next question is directed towards Faramir: If your
father hadn't burned himself in his madness and despair, what do you
think his opinion would be of your new bride-to-be?
Faramir: Provided that he'd been cured of his madness from
staring into the Palatir too often...I suppose he would have approved,
our marriage being the most politically appropriate union of the two
Middle Earth super-powers. If he hadn't been cured of his
madness...there would have been a big brouhaha over his wanting us to
name our first child Boromir. Well, okay, maybe as a middle
Q: Eomer--We all know that you're one charismatic chap. You go
around waving swords; you almost steal the show in Battle of the
Pelennor Fields...Don't you feel mad that all the girls are swooning
over Faramir? And tell us exactly HOW you got back at your sister for
sneaking into battle behind your back and stealing most of the show?
Eomer: Me? Steal the show? For crying out loud, I thought
all my family was dead! It was no acting y'know! My uncle and my sister
were lying there, beaten, slain....I wasn't showing off you know! It
was all real tears. But do not think of me a lesser man for
crying....maybe the wailing like a little girl later when she was all
As for Eowyn sneaking into battle without my knowing. Well...she never
did anything she was told when we were little so I wasn't completely
surprised. I think I did have a tantrum at her, and tried to be all
brotherly, and protective but I don't think that worked. Now that
she's got Faramir, I'm hoping the two of them would do well by each
other. I do not become jealous about the swooning over my
sister's new husband....oh is that a huge barrell of ale of which to
drown my sorrows in?
Q: Question for Pippin: What on all of Middle Earth made you touch the Palantir?
Pippin: (*eyes glazing over*): Shiny.
And, well, I couldn't find my pack of pipe-weed.
Q: So, Gandalf, why didn't you just get the Eagles to take Frodo to Mount Doom? I mean, what the heck were you thinking? You are Istari, right?
Gandalf: I am so Istari, but it is not our WAY to solve
everyone's problems even though we could. We are supposed to make
mortals and immortals alike grow and learn. If I saved the world every
time it needed to be, Us Istari would be over worked then. Plus
no one would clean up up their own messes. It would be Gandalf THIS and
Gandalf THAT. You should be grateful I don't, too or else how would the
men-folk impress the women-folk?
Sam would never have had the courage to ask Rosie to marry him... etc.
Q: So Faramir, how do you feel about your wife having had
a schoolgirl crush on your boss- Aragorn? Also what do you
think of the people who think that Eowyn should have married
Aragorn/Legolas/ Haldir/Boromir instead?
Faramir: As for my nearest and dearest marrying, say, an
Elf...after all the drama she's had in her life, why on (Middle) Earth
would she go mixing up in all the sad immortal-mortal marriage
business. Seems like just more heartache, if I'm not
mistaken. As for Eowyn and Boromir...long years of lacking any
milk of human kindness only deepened her yearnings for a man who was
both strong AND gentle...ME!...she wouldn't have ever gone for a
warhardened brute like my older brother (may he rest in peace). And as
for teasing her about her schoolgirl crush on my Lord and King, well,
who could blame her...we're ALL in love with him. (In fact, I'm
starting to wonder about Leggy.) I hear that Eomer teased her a
lot about it, but I think that's his perogative as her older
brother. But he tells me that if he teased her, she had this
tendency to turn on her heel, spinning her skirts, and storm out to the
parapet, swishing skirts and all, and stand there with her arms
crossed, brooding. (But it so tempting to tease her. She's so freaking
cute when she's pensive and moody. Sigh. She's even cute
when she's all weepy. Oops. Don't tell her I said
that...she hates it when I pity her.)
Can you blame her, though? She hadn't met me yet. And it's
not like there were a lot of men in Rohan under 50 or over 15, or so it
seemed at Helms Deep, I'm told.
Thing is, it's hard to fault anyone for admiring Aragorn. It's hard to find fault with Aragorn, period.
Q: But, for the love of Iluvatar, Aragorn!!! Why didn't you just
say, "I'm betrothed, Eowyn"? Could have saved the girl a good deal of
angst, you think?
King Elessar: Well, to be perfectly candid, I had to
have a back up plan. I didn't know if Arwen was going to go to Valinor
or not. If she had well... there had to be a heir, and a political
alliance between Gondor and Rohan would be needed, ( you picked a
gorgeous wife btw Steward) and I can't stand the court women I've met.
I wouldn't have really loved her, but she would have made a good Queen,
I think. However I was very lucky, bless the Valor, that Arwen
would take a aging mortal like myself over, say Legolas.
Q: Speaking of which, Arwen, Love, why did it take you so long
to decide to marry me? We'd been dating for at least 50 years.
Why did you leave me in such suspense? I could have ended up with a
violent blonde as Queen! >_<
Arwen: I did not know if I would be allowed to,
Love. My father would not let me if you were not the King of
Gondor and Anor. And you kept leaving. Plus, there were all
those elfs that my father kept pushing at me. I felt like keeping
you on your toes.
Q: Another question for Legolas: Where there any special
someones before the Quest? Were there any after, or did you just
like traveling with Gimli better?
Legolas: Ahem. First of all, no, I never did find my true love.
I remember one chaotic day when a blonde archer ran by screaming
wildly, with about three hundred screaming adolescent mortals after
him, but I stayed up my oak tree and did no more than split myself
laughing. As for Gimli? *Snuffily* Best friends. Do you have a problem
with that? So what if he keeps asking my opinion on his curled mustache?
Q:And Glorfindel: Did you have any inkling that Arwen was going
to steal Asfaloth? WHERE THE VOID WHERE YOU? How did she get around you?
Glorfindel: Ahem. Ask Asfaloth.
Q: Now, Arwen, what do you think of your part in the movies versus the books? Did you find sewing boring?
Arwen: I feel that my role in the movies was something of
a nice change. It also seemed like a good idea at the time,
you know, getting more of my charater out for people to see. But
now Glorfindel keeps asking how I got his horse and then my father
keeps asking how I can now do the water trick. Sewing was easier
than all this.
Q: Now Éowyn,
how do you feel about your role in the movies and how it seems that you
were really, really in love with Aragorn and did not get that much, if
any, depending on the version, time with Faramir?
Eowyn: I thought I was brought over as a little bit of feeble
woman...I can't believe my feelings was that out of control! I
didn't know what I was really feeling, Aragorn was so mighty, and a
true leader that I just latched onto him I suppose.
Then....Faramir, bless the heavens for my love. Although Aragorn healed
my black bloodied wounds and kept me from death, it was Faramir who
kept me from despair and brought me true love. The films showed only a
small glimpse of our time together, not our kiss, not the days we both
spent healing....but it showed what we had become and I am
Q: Okay Faramir, let
me ask you this. You knew of the ring, that Frodo carried, you
knew of the powers and deadly hold it could have on people. Yet you did
not see it. Had Frodo taken and shown you the One Ring...would you have
been as strong as you really were? The likes of Galadriel herself being
tempted by it....would you have been strong?!
Faramir: *scratches head and shifts a bit
in his chair* Well, that's a hard question. You see, even though I
spent all that time with Mithrandir in that dusty archive down there
(no offense to Gerbert, our senior Archivist, but it really is
dusty...) I never really got to learn much of anything about it except
for that same old thing describing the finger falling off of Sauron's
hand and hitting the dirt, Isildur picking it up yadda yadda... You
know? I mean, I knew that the Enemy had this weapon of some kind and
that the Halfling would be the sign and all, because it was my dream first. Lots of people forget that, so be sure you write that down. It was my dream first, before my big-headed brother may-he-rest-in-peace went and took it up. So anyway, here's this Halfling and I know he's hiding something from me, and then I'm thinking It must be some kind of weapon,
- I mean, call me a little paranoid after being out in the bush with
orcs for however many seasons, but really, that's what I was thinking.
What I didn't know.... It's not like he was big enough to carry
anything like that famous mace or anything, right? So I'm wracking my
brain, sitting there trying to think of small weapons like stinkbombs,
or super-leeches or something. Yeah, you can laugh - we were all
pretty sleep-deprived so it seemed feasible then.
I don't know... Jewelry didn't really occur to me at first. I mean it's not that I don't like
jewelry, though I admit I'm glad I've got a wife who doesn't really
care if she's got jewels or not... now honey, don't go glaring like
that. You know you said it yourself. And you're just such a golden
jewel all by yourself that you don't need more adornment.... no, I'm
not just saying that, sweetie-pie... I... oh, sorry. Back to your
question.... *pause* Could you repeat the question?
Strong. Would I have been as strong if I'd really gotten to see the
Thing? Hmm. That's hard to say. I like to think that I would have
been, but you know I think it's just as well I didn't.... I said I
wouldn't pick it up even if it lay by the roadside but if it really
were there... Well, I don't know. I like to pick up odd things by the
road: pairs of boots, waterbags that can be mended, broken swords.
You never know when something might come in handy when you're out in
the middle of nowhere. So if I'd found it along the road, for real,
would I have picked it up? I don't know. Maybe. I'm just glad I
never had to find out.
Samwise - can you tell us why you blabbed about the Ring like that?
It's not like you didn't know it was supposed to be a secret, and this
was Boromir's brother you were talking to also - you know, Boromir, who tried to like, steal it? Seems a little foolhardy, even for you.
Sam: Well....I just didn't think. He was asking Mr
Frodo a lot of questions and not leavin' 'im alone, mind. Well I
suppose I just snapped and wanted him to shut up. You know what I'm
like when it comes to Mr Frodo's well bein'. It's right on top of me
list, right before see Elves (check.) and an oliphant (check). It
was irresponsible, but what could I do once I had opened me ole gob? I
means well, but... hey I'm just a gardener.
Q: Treebeard! Any more news on the Entwives?
Treebeard: Now don't be hasty! They'll show up in their own good time.
Q: Glorfindel, will you marry me?
Glorfindel: *smooths his hair back self-consciously and
politely bows* Sorry ma'am, I'm sure you're very sweet and
your beauty is perfection itself, but I'm not really the marrying
kind... besides, everytime anyone is around me for very long they
start complaining that they always hear bells ringing in their
Q: Old Gaffer, the
next question is for you. Why were you having Sam and Rosie and
their kids all crammed into Number Three with you like that?
Shouldn't you let them go to Bag End?
Old Gaffer: H'ph, y'see, I don't think Sam's too good at takin'
care o' hisself, see? Even with Rosie, naow that's a nice lass but not
like her mother, naow. I mind when--oh, but ye were asking about Sam.
See, I let him leave home for nine months once and would you believe,
he couldn't even keep aholt of his weskit, lost it he did, that was
mine when I was a youngster. Nobbut he might've come home like Master
Merry, see, jingling all over with ironmongery. I don't hold with that.
Naow, a nice jacket and weskit is good enough for Mr Frodo, it's good
enough for Master Merry, and Master Pippin too, what dress in black and
silver all the time. Funyreal, that's what I calls it. Like I said to
Rosie the other day. "Rosie," I said, "keep young Elanor nice if you
must, but no dark colours, Rosie," I said. "And there's a good lass.
They do say it's a cold wind as warms no-one, and that's what I always
Q: Now, this
question is for you, Frodo. In the movies, if you remember, when you
got stuck with that spear in Moria--pardon me for asking, but I had to.
Were you really suffering from pain? Or--I hate to ask--were you just
Frodo: Um... I don't know if this is 'too much information,'
but well, you have to admit we'd been shorted on any good fiber for
some time, and then we had to ration our water too... Suffice it to say
that the spear really did hit me, but it also took care of that...other
problem. Ahem. Moving on...
Q: Samwise, this one
is for you. Why the heck did you go climbing all that way
back down the stairs in the movie? Did you really think you could just
'go home' from Mordor, for pity's sake? And when you found that
bread, why didn't you save it and eat it instead of crumbling it up and making you and Frodo starve for certain? I just can't figure that one out.
Sam: Well I was in a right mess an' no mistake I can tell you!
Gollum had poisioned the master against me, and well...to hear Mr Frodo
give up on me like that...to say that he didn't need me....I don't know
what I was doin'. I should have been strong then but I wasn't. My own
moment of weakness as it were. I went down and when I found the
Lembas, I finally got to my senses. Angry I was I tell you. But I
did eventually pick up the pieces. But even then I weren't sure as to
if were we gonna come back from this alive.
Q: Saruman.....what's with going over to the darkside? What REALLY made you exchange reason for madness?!
Saruman: Quite simple! It was always 'Gandalf this' and 'Gandalf
that'. I grew a long white beard- he had to go one better and grow a
long grey one. I started smoking pipe-weed- Gandalf made ships out of
the smoke. I kidnapped myself two little Halfings to make friends with-
Gandalf went and rescued them, darnit! I was sick and tired of always
being compared to stupid old Gandalf. People always forget he was
actually below me in the order of Istari! *Runs off muttering to
himself and chuckling evilly*
Q: Arwen, why the
heck did you ditch your kids when Aragorn died? Sure they were adults
but you still effectively orphaned them by running off to Lorien to top
yourself. Does that make you a tragic heroine or a cold, self-centered
whatchamacallit , hmmm?
Arwen: Hey wait a minute - my husband was 190 when he died and I
reckon the kids were well on in years of discretion. That was an awful
long time for Eldarion to fiddle about opening hospitals and making
state visits. Time he learned to stand on his own feet (or rather, sit
on his own throne) without mum & dad.
Q: Eowyn, how do you
feel, as a rank outsider from some piffling mead-hall, about carrying
off the sexiest man in Gondor from under our very noses? I hope
you realise there wasn't a dry female eye in the place on your wedding
Eowyn: Piffling Mead-hall....? If I weren't
already sworn to laying aside my warlike ways I can tell you I would be
requesting you step outside so we could resolve this like a couple
gentleladies with swords... (aside) No, dearest, I wasn't really
going to run her through, but you heard what she said didn't you?
No, about Meduseld! Oh, stop grinning like that...
Aside from that, how was I supposed to know he was the sexiest man in
Gondor? All the men I knew were Rohirrim, for pity's sake... he
was the first man I'd met who didn't reek of horse.
(to be continued... last updated 4/23/05)