Ask the Characters

Gathered by Primula
Thanks to the members of Emyn Arnen for a game well played.

Introductory post:
If you go to (I think that's the address) you'll be able to read an absolutely hilarious thing called 'Ask the Characters'! It gives a link to the site wherefrom it came, but unfortunately the site is no longer playing that game.
What happens is this: Person A asks a question of a particular LOTR character. Then Person B comes along, answers the question as that character; and asks another question of another character. One example is this:
Person A: So, Eowyn, what's it like being a shieldmaiden in a man's world?
Person B: Take care of the women and old people, wash the dishes, kill the WitchKing, sweep the floor, wash the dishes, take care of the women and old people....
...And Gil-Galad: How do you like being remembered only as 'The Chap That Died'?
Ok, so if I haven't confused you, here we go:


Faramir, what do think of Eowyn's stew?

Faramir: "I do not love the broth for its nourishment, nor the meat for its flavor, nor the herbs for their potency.  I love only that hand which prepares them: that of my wife, the Princess of Ithilien."

Q: So, Denny, mate, what is with the cherry tomatoes and playing with your food?  Apparently manners do to not apply to Gondorian Stewards but I need this little bit cleared up.

Denethor: Mate, that's not 'playing'. It's simple precaution dating back to the time when an orc's eyeball got into the King's salad by mistake...You always wanted to know why Queen Beruthiel was exiled? Now you was her who put the eyeball in. 
Q: OK: Galadriel. How EXACTLY did you meet your husband?

Galadriel: Look. The Trees were dead, I was bored, civil war was upon us and there were exactly two Elves willing to get the heck out of Valinor -- one being my pervy half-uncle who kept obsessing over my hair. You do the math.
Q: So Eomer, what's it like being the only bachelor king left in all of Middle-Earth? And spare not the details.

Eomer:: Oh you know, the other Kings are always trying to set me up. >_<;;
 Prince Imrahil is particularly insistant about his daughter, which isn't too bad....What's worse is when your own younger sister gets into act. What is it with married people?
Q: Legolas - Are you ever going back to your own county of Mirkwood (and be responsible) and stop making the rest of us look bad? Sliding down stairs on shields indeed!

Legolas:   It is hardly my fault you mortals are so incompetent in battle. I do recall once I had to positively drag Gimli by his beard out of the a particularly nasty fray of orcs threatening to mate  him to a she-orc to create a sort of dwarfish/orcish race that would be very terrible and smelly and quite unable to hold their liquor. I can not help that I am so very skilled at doing tricky little battle maneuvers and saying foolishly poetic lines whilst running very fast. What am I supposed to do? Step back and watch you mortals let the entirety of Middle-earth be overrun by orcs (who are really no different from men except with a bit poorer hygiene). 
And now if you excuse me I must practice saying something terribly lyrical about trees or the stars while engaging in battle with orcs, now. Farewell, pathetic mortal beings... (A red sun is vieled- No that's not quite it. He is here and has brought his whips- not quite there, now is it?)

Q: Now a question for Merry; having spent so much time on the back of a horse with our delectable white lady of Rohan, are you now spoilt forever from being attracted to small, chubby ladies with curly brown hair and big feet?

Merry: Unfortunately I MUST renew my taste in ladies my own size, for if I tried to move things further along with a certain white lady I would probably meet my death on the blade of the new Prince of Ithilien.  It is a shame that riding horseback with someone and further saving her life (no matter what SHE thinks) doesn't count for much.
Q: The next question is directed towards Faramir:  If your father hadn't burned himself in his madness and despair, what do you think his opinion would be of your new bride-to-be?

Faramir:  Provided that he'd been cured of his madness from staring into the Palatir too often...I suppose he would have approved, our marriage being the most politically appropriate union of the two Middle Earth super-powers.  If he hadn't been cured of his madness...there would have been a big brouhaha over his wanting us to name our first child Boromir.  Well, okay, maybe as a middle name...

Q: Eomer--We all know that you're one charismatic chap. You go around waving swords; you almost steal the show in Battle of the Pelennor Fields...Don't you feel mad that all the girls are swooning over Faramir? And tell us exactly HOW you got back at your sister for sneaking into battle behind your back and stealing most of the show?

Eomer:  Me? Steal the show? For crying out loud, I thought all my family was dead! It was no acting y'know! My uncle and my sister were lying there, beaten, slain....I wasn't showing off you know! It was all real tears.  But do not think of me a lesser man for crying....maybe the wailing like a little girl later when she was all right....but...
As for Eowyn sneaking into battle without my knowing. Well...she never did anything she was told when we were little so I wasn't completely surprised. I think I did have a tantrum at her, and tried to be all brotherly, and protective but I don't think that worked.  Now that she's got Faramir, I'm hoping the two of them would do well by each other.  I do not become jealous about the swooning over my sister's new husband....oh is that a huge barrell of ale of which to drown my sorrows in? 
Q: Question for Pippin: What on all of Middle Earth made you touch the Palantir?

Pippin: (*eyes glazing over*): Shiny.
And, well, I couldn't find my pack of pipe-weed.
Q: So, Gandalf, why didn't you just get the Eagles to take Frodo to Mount Doom? I mean, what the heck were you thinking? You are Istari, right?

Gandalf: I am so Istari, but it is not our WAY to solve everyone's problems even though we could. We are supposed to make mortals and immortals alike grow and learn. If I saved the world every time  it needed to be, Us Istari would be over worked then. Plus no one would clean up up their own messes. It would be Gandalf THIS and Gandalf THAT. You should be grateful I don't, too or else how would the men-folk impress the women-folk?
Sam would never have had the courage to ask Rosie to marry him... etc.
Q: So Faramir, how do you feel  about your wife having had a schoolgirl crush on your boss- Aragorn?  Also what  do you think of  the people who think that Eowyn should have married Aragorn/Legolas/ Haldir/Boromir instead?

Faramir: As for my nearest and dearest marrying, say, an Elf...after all the drama she's had in her life, why on (Middle) Earth would she go mixing up in all the sad immortal-mortal marriage business.  Seems like just more heartache, if I'm not mistaken.  As for Eowyn and Boromir...long years of lacking any milk of human kindness only deepened her yearnings for a man who was both strong AND gentle...ME!...she wouldn't have ever gone for a warhardened brute like my older brother (may he rest in peace). And as for teasing her about her schoolgirl crush on my Lord and King, well, who could blame her...we're ALL in love with him.  (In fact, I'm starting to wonder about Leggy.)  I hear that Eomer teased her a lot about it, but I think that's his perogative as her older brother.  But he tells me that if he teased her, she had this tendency to turn on her heel, spinning her skirts, and storm out to the parapet, swishing skirts and all, and stand there with her arms crossed, brooding. (But it so tempting to tease her. She's so freaking cute when she's pensive and moody.  Sigh.  She's even cute when she's all weepy.  Oops.  Don't tell her I said that...she hates it when I pity her.)
Can you blame her, though?  She hadn't met me yet.  And it's not like there were a lot of men in Rohan under 50 or over 15, or so it seemed at Helms Deep, I'm told.
Thing is, it's hard to fault anyone for admiring Aragorn.  It's hard to find fault with Aragorn, period.
Q: But, for the love of Iluvatar, Aragorn!!! Why didn't you just say, "I'm betrothed, Eowyn"? Could have saved the girl a good deal of angst, you think?

King Elessar: Well, to be perfectly  candid,  I had to have a back up plan. I didn't know if Arwen was going to go to Valinor or not. If she had well... there had to be a heir, and a political alliance between Gondor and Rohan would be needed, ( you picked a gorgeous wife btw Steward) and I can't stand the court women I've met. I wouldn't have really loved her, but she would have made a good Queen, I think. However I was  very lucky, bless the Valor, that Arwen would take a aging mortal like myself over,  say Legolas. 
Q: Speaking of which, Arwen, Love, why did it take you so long to decide to marry me? We'd been dating for at least 50 years.  Why did you leave me in such suspense? I could have ended up with a violent blonde as Queen! >_<

Arwen:  I did not know if I would be allowed to, Love.  My father would not let me if you were not the King of Gondor and Anor.  And you kept leaving.  Plus, there were all those elfs that my father kept pushing at me.  I felt like keeping you on your toes.
Q: Another question for Legolas:  Where there any special someones before the Quest?  Were there any after, or did you just like traveling with Gimli better?

Legolas: Ahem. First of all, no, I never did find my true love. I remember one chaotic day when a blonde archer ran by screaming wildly, with about three hundred screaming adolescent mortals after him, but I stayed up my oak tree and did no more than split myself laughing. As for Gimli? *Snuffily* Best friends. Do you have a problem with that? So what if he keeps asking my opinion on his curled mustache?
Q:And Glorfindel: Did you have any inkling that Arwen was going to steal Asfaloth? WHERE THE VOID WHERE YOU? How did she get around you?

Glorfindel: Ahem. Ask Asfaloth.

Q: Now, Arwen, what do you think of your part in the movies versus the books? Did you find sewing boring?

Arwen:  I feel that my role in the movies was something of a nice change.   It also seemed like a good idea at the time, you know, getting more of my charater out for people to see.  But now Glorfindel keeps asking how I got his horse and then my father keeps asking how I can now do the water trick.  Sewing was easier than all this.
Q: Now Éowyn, how do you feel about your role in the movies and how it seems that you were really, really in love with Aragorn and did not get that much, if any, depending on the version, time with Faramir?

I thought I was brought over as a little bit of  feeble woman...I can't believe  my feelings was that out of control! I didn't know what I was really feeling, Aragorn was so mighty, and a true leader that I just latched onto him I suppose. 
Then....Faramir, bless the heavens for my love. Although Aragorn healed my black bloodied wounds and kept me from death, it was Faramir who kept me from despair and brought me true love. The films showed only a small glimpse of our time together, not our kiss, not the days we both spent healing....but it showed what we had become and I am pleased. 
Q: Okay Faramir, let me ask you this.  You knew of the ring, that Frodo carried, you knew of the powers and deadly hold it could have on people. Yet you did not see it. Had Frodo taken and shown you the One Ring...would you have been as strong as you really were? The likes of Galadriel herself being tempted by it....would you have been strong?!

Faramir: *scratches head and shifts a bit in his chair* Well, that's a hard question.  You see, even though I spent all that time with Mithrandir in that dusty archive down there (no offense to Gerbert, our senior Archivist, but it really is dusty...) I never really got to learn much of anything about it except for that same old thing describing the finger falling off of Sauron's hand and hitting the dirt, Isildur picking it up yadda yadda... You know?  I mean, I knew that the Enemy had this weapon of some kind and that the Halfling would be the sign and all, because it was my dream first.  Lots of people forget that, so be sure you write that down. It was my dream first, before my big-headed brother may-he-rest-in-peace went and took it up.  So anyway, here's this Halfling and I know he's hiding something from me, and then I'm thinking It must be some kind of weapon, - I mean, call me a little paranoid after being out in the bush with orcs for however many seasons, but really, that's what I was thinking. What I didn't know....  It's not like he was big enough to carry anything like that famous mace or anything, right?   So I'm wracking my brain, sitting there trying to think of small weapons like stinkbombs, or super-leeches or something.  Yeah, you can laugh - we were all pretty sleep-deprived so it seemed feasible then.  
I don't know... Jewelry didn't really occur to me at first.  I mean it's not that I don't like jewelry,  though I admit I'm glad I've got a wife who doesn't really care if she's got jewels or not... now honey, don't go glaring like that. You know you said it yourself. And you're just such a golden jewel all by yourself that you don't need more adornment.... no, I'm not just saying that, sweetie-pie... I... oh, sorry.  Back to your question.... *pause*   Could you repeat the question?
Oh. Strong. Would I have been as strong if I'd really gotten to see the Thing?  Hmm.  That's hard to say. I like to think that I would have been,  but you know I think it's just as well I didn't.... I said I wouldn't pick it up even if it lay by the roadside but if it really were there... Well, I don't know.  I like to pick up odd things by the road:  pairs of boots,  waterbags that can be mended,  broken swords.  You never know when something might come in handy when you're out in the middle of nowhere.  So if I'd found it along the road,  for real, would I have picked it up?  I don't know.  Maybe.   I'm just glad I never had to find out.
Q:  Samwise - can you tell us why you blabbed about the Ring like that? It's not like you didn't know it was supposed to be a secret, and this was Boromir's brother you were talking to also - you know, Boromir, who tried to like, steal it?  Seems a little foolhardy, even for you.

Sam:   Well....I just didn't think. He was asking Mr Frodo a lot of questions and not leavin' 'im alone, mind. Well I suppose I just snapped and wanted him to shut up. You know what I'm like when it comes to Mr Frodo's well bein'. It's right on top of me list, right before see Elves (check.) and an oliphant (check).  It was irresponsible, but what could I do once I had opened me ole gob? I means well, but... hey I'm just a gardener. 
Q: Treebeard! Any more news on the Entwives?

Now don't be hasty! They'll show up in their own good time.
Q: Glorfindel, will you marry me?

Glorfindel:  *smooths his hair back self-consciously and politely bows*  Sorry ma'am, I'm  sure you're very sweet and your beauty is perfection itself,  but I'm not really the marrying kind...  besides, everytime anyone is around me for very long they start complaining that they always hear bells ringing in their ears. 
Q: Old Gaffer, the next question is for you.  Why were you having Sam and Rosie and their kids all crammed into Number Three with you like that?  Shouldn't you let them go to Bag End?

Old Gaffer: H'ph, y'see, I don't think Sam's too good at takin' care o' hisself, see? Even with Rosie, naow that's a nice lass but not like her mother, naow. I mind when--oh, but ye were asking about Sam. See, I let him leave home for nine months once and would you believe, he couldn't even keep aholt of his weskit, lost it he did, that was mine when I was a youngster. Nobbut he might've come home like Master Merry, see, jingling all over with ironmongery. I don't hold with that. Naow, a nice jacket and weskit is good enough for Mr Frodo, it's good enough for Master Merry, and Master Pippin too, what dress in black and silver all the time. Funyreal, that's what I calls it. Like I said to Rosie the other day. "Rosie," I said, "keep young Elanor nice if you must, but no dark colours, Rosie," I said. "And there's a good lass. They do say it's a cold wind as warms no-one, and that's what I always say."...
Q: Now, this question is for you, Frodo. In the movies, if you remember, when you got stuck with that spear in Moria--pardon me for asking, but I had to. Were you really suffering from pain? Or--I hate to ask--were you just constipated?

  Um... I don't know if this is 'too much information,' but well, you have to admit we'd been shorted on any good fiber for some time, and then we had to ration our water too... Suffice it to say that the spear really did hit me, but it also took care of that...other problem.  Ahem.  Moving on...
Q: Samwise, this one is for you.   Why the heck did you go climbing all that way back down the stairs in the movie? Did you really think you could just 'go home' from Mordor, for pity's sake?  And when you found that bread, why didn't you save it and eat it instead of crumbling it up and making you and Frodo starve for certain?  I just can't figure that one out.

Well I was in a right mess an' no mistake I can tell you! Gollum had poisioned the master against me, and hear Mr Frodo give up on me like say that he didn't need me....I don't know what I was doin'. I should have been strong then but I wasn't. My own moment of weakness as it were.  I went down and when I found the Lembas, I finally got to my senses.  Angry I was I tell you. But I did eventually pick up the pieces. But even then I weren't sure as to if were we gonna come back from this alive. 
Q: Saruman.....what's with going over to the darkside? What REALLY made you exchange reason for madness?!

Saruman: Quite simple! It was always 'Gandalf this' and 'Gandalf that'. I grew a long white beard- he had to go one better and grow a long grey one. I started smoking pipe-weed- Gandalf made ships out of the smoke. I kidnapped myself two little Halfings to make friends with- Gandalf went and rescued them, darnit! I was sick and tired of always being compared to stupid old Gandalf. People always forget he was actually below me in the order of Istari! *Runs off muttering to himself and chuckling evilly*
Q: Arwen, why the heck did you ditch your kids when Aragorn died? Sure they were adults but you still effectively orphaned them by running off to Lorien to top yourself. Does that make you a tragic heroine or a cold, self-centered whatchamacallit , hmmm?

Hey wait a minute - my husband was 190 when he died and I reckon the kids were well on in years of discretion. That was an awful long time for Eldarion to fiddle about opening hospitals and making state visits. Time he learned to stand on his own feet (or rather, sit on his own throne) without mum & dad.

Q: Eowyn, how do you feel, as a rank outsider from some piffling mead-hall, about carrying off the sexiest man in Gondor from under our very noses?  I hope you realise there wasn't a dry female eye in the place on your wedding day?

Piffling Mead-hall....?  If I weren't already sworn to laying aside my warlike ways I can tell you I would be requesting you step outside so we could resolve this like a couple gentleladies with swords...  (aside) No, dearest, I wasn't really going to run her through, but you heard what she said didn't you?  No, about Meduseld!  Oh, stop grinning like that...
Aside from that, how was I supposed to know he was the sexiest man in Gondor?  All the men I knew were Rohirrim, for pity's sake... he was the first man I'd met who didn't reek of horse. 

(to be continued...  last updated 4/23/05)