The Upwardly Mobile Mondorian's Library

by pilbara orc

As custodian of "The Upwardly Mobile Mordorian's Library" -
which brings the classics to the disadvantaged and down-trodden uruk -
I have a few titles which may be of interest:

Five Hundred Years of Solitude

Where Gollum G.M. explores the Balrog's firey button-hole, recalls the visiting petty conjurers of his childhood and remembers the unforgetably breathtaking black butterflies of Mirkwood!

Dhune by Fran(gipani) Herbbit

The orphaned Mud-deep Frogo meets the Reverend Mother of the
Gladly-jestabit Order who tries to teach him to use "the voice",read minds and tell the future.
She cautions Frogo about riding worms and supplies him with Lembas (a spicy elvish way bread) which turns eyes blue when filmed and helps navigate the Anduin,when in full flow.
Her other gifts are a Kiwi anorak, for conserving moisture in the desert and a phial, which prevents crying when in a tight spot.
His friend Arrakissorn, soon finds out that arranged marriages are the rule when trying to preserve the famous blood line.But what can he do, when his beloved Aliwen is the granddaughter of the evil Baron Celeborn, half-owner of the giddy Prime Flet?

Great Expectations by Snarled Diggings

Pippin befriends an escaped orc who migrates to... Australia.Unfortunately he also falls for his best friend's girl,that beauty Estella Bolger.But does her guardian ever sleep? Miss Shelob Haversack, whose mind was poisoned at an early age by that vile womanizer,Bungle Coldfoot,spins a house full of hopes which all go up in smoke.

Which reminds me that Orc#3 has still not returned our valuable collectors edition "The Tale of Two Towers". I'm sure that his true name is "Jack the Ripper" as many a time he has left me all forlorn, when he has returned books soooo tattered and torn.........

.......well getting back to the titles...... :

More Mines by Kingsley Saruman

Fresh from their romantic adventures with the haggard riders,Edain, Quarterling and companions nearly freeze to death in the mountains.Their big game hunting skills are sorely tested when they meet an ugly cave troll.
The superstitious are treated to some eclipsed moon letters by an ancient, shrivelled grandma who claims to be over 500 years old.
As for there being no gold or diamonds in the mines?
That's a rill myth.

Kingsley Saruman's "Mines" is often mistaken by uruks for the book about rings by Lorien's Con Radagast. What probably confuses them most is that the Wizard keeps borrowing it himself - to read about spying jackdaws, crebain and the noble fighting habits of Wargs?

Another tricksy volume is:

The Making of Black Velvet by Peter Jackson

"Initially" I was confused myself.It reminded me so much of another black beauty who rode Asphalt (of the Wraith and Ruin Stables) to beat Witch Queen, out of Mordor.There was no glory in that race, however, as pipeweed was involved!
The Ent bookies made a killing as all the uruks backed the horse with the weightless jockey.

Not forgetting the Magazines! I thought I'd mention just a couple:

There have been no new issues of the "Seeing Stone" since March ( which featured Rod and Denny Stewart's latest album "Writhing" )
It's not too hard to imagine why elves are leaving them in groves.
They are all such fans of boats and sailing.

And finally...

When your humble opinions seem not enough for those touchy religious questions, can I remind the readers that there is always the Watchtower.

Baradur Press even produce a nice ring binder for all your back copies!

And as Aragorn and the hobbits once said:

" Are you offended Frodo?
Not nearly offended enough....."


"At all times they feel the presence of the offence......"

"A remark by the Enemy would seem fairer and feel fouler.."

I'll leave you with all these offensive misquotes.

Have a good day.