Turner vs. Greenleaf

by Peregrine

Suppose that Legolas somehow found himself at Port Royal—we won’t ask how or why—after the whole Pirates of the Caribbean thing where he then meets Elizabeth Swann who in turn mistakes him for Will Turner. Well, this is what I came up with . . .

*Legolas is wandering about Port Royal dressed as he usually is with his long bow and quiver of arrows strapped to his back along with his long knives and the nice Rohan sword he had picked up and he noticed he was getting some very weird stares from people he thinks are dressed even stranger than him. Just then a young—and very pretty—woman comes running up to him and hugs him. Legolas looks down in horror at the woman clinging to him, his arms flung out as wide as possible so as not to touch her.*

Elizabeth: Oh, Will, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! she looks up at the Elf and frowns What on earth are you dressed as?

Legolas: attempting to pry Elizabeth off  I am an Elf and am dressed as myself. Now would you very kindly—

E: An Elf? Why are you dressed as an Elf?

L: Because that is what I am! Now who Legolas manages to shake Elizabeth off are you?

E: looking suddenly very cross—much to Legolas’s displeasure Do not play these games with me Will. I would expect something like it from Jack, but certainly not from you.

L: But my name is Legolas Greenleaf and I haven’t any idea who Will or Jack are—

E: This is getting tiresome, Will. Now come, you were going to show me the set of swords you had just made.

Elizabeth takes Legolas’s hand and begins leading him down the street towards the blacksmith’s—of which Will is now the head of—and Legolas is too stunned to attempt to stop her. Suddenly, from within the smithery, Will steps into the street and sees Elizabeth hauling Legolas. Elizabeth stops short and Legolas nearly walks into her.

Will: Elizabeth—who is that?

E: looking quite confused at the moment Well . . . I was pretty sure he was you a moment ago.

W: Well, as you can see I am here. Will steps out into the street—a hammer and sword in his hands—and walks up to Legolas. Upon seeing the Elf his eyes fly wide Why—you do look like me!

L: Yes, this woman believes so, too, and I must admit there is a resemblance, but if you don’t mind, I would very much like to be going now.

Legolas shakes off Elizabeth and turns to leave—only to find himself face to face with yet another man. The man—dressed like none of the other men but more like a pirate—a word Legolas had learned upon the docks—looked Legolas up and down and frowned.

Jack: Well, hello, mate. And who might you be?

L: I am Legolas Greenleaf of the Woodland Realm, Son of—

J: Yes, yes, fine. the pirate looks around Legolas towards Will. You never told me you had a twin.

W: I didn’t think I had one.

L: I am not your brother nor am I your twin. I am not even human! I am an Elf.

J: Sure ya are, mate.

W: Elizabeth, where did you find him?

E: Down near the docks just wandering around. I could have sworn he was you . . .

J: There is a resemblance, love.

E: Look, stop calling me that. We’re not on an island anymore, you know.

W: About that island—what exactly happened anyway?

E: Will, this is not the time.

J: Naw, we can tell him, Lizzy. Tell him about … us. Jack grins and Elizabeth throws up her hands, turning to Will

E: Nothing happened. But we can talk about that later. What we need to know is who is that and why does he look like you?

J: Nice use of italics.

E: Oh, shut up. she turns to Legolas Now, why do you look like—

L: I don’t know. I don’t even know why or how I got here! But if you excuse me, I would very much like to find out how I can get back to Middle-Earth.

W: Wait, wait, wait. Don’t go yet. Now, what did you say your name was?

L: with a heavy sigh Legolas Greenleaf. I am Lego—

W: Yes. Now, aren’t you in the least bit interested why you look like me?

L: No, not really.

J: Oh, c’mon, Elf. Not even in the itsy bitsiest way?

L: I don’t even know what you said!

W: Well, come, come. We’ve got to figure this out—

L: No, we don’t!

W: Or else I can never get back to work—

L: Why not?

W: And you’ll never get back to wherever it is you came from—

L: I just told you!—Middle-Earth! I came from Middle-Ear—

J: Why don’t the two of you just fight it out?

L: By the Valar, why would we need to do that?

Jack shrugs. Elizabeth bites her lip and turns to Will.

E: Maybe he is your twin.

Will and Legolas together: But wouldn’t I know?

E: Maybe, maybe not. Anyway, fighting won’t necessarily fix the problem—

J: It did with Barbossa. I shot the guy and now he’s dead—

E: No one’s shooting anyone! Jack, stay out of this. Go . . . go get drunk or something.

J: Already took care o’ that.

W: Hmm . . . well, we’ve got to find a solution to this problem.

L: What problem?

Will taps his chin with the tip of the sword in his hand. Legolas looks at it uneasily.

W: Well, we can’t fight each other. That’s been settled. So what are we to do?

L: Let me go home? he asks hopefully

E: You just be quiet! We don’t need any of your suggestions. You’re the one who got us into this mess!

L: What mess?! Nothing is wrong!

J: I think our little Elf friend here’s about to blow up.

E: And you can just go hang.

J: They tried that, remember? You’re little Will here saw to that.

Will, Jack, Elizabeth and a very exasperated Legolas try to think of some way to deal with this “problem” when Peregrine happens to show up. Everyone turns to her and she beams under the attentions of Will and Legolas and Jack. Elizabeth smiles at her.

Peregrine: Hello, all. What is going on here?

W: Nothing much. We are just trying to figure out how to deal with him. he points to Legolas

L: How to deal with me?—Just send me home!

P: Well, if you want, I can write an ending to this. I wasn’t going to, but seeing as you are all having so much trouble—

L: Wait—you started this?

P: Um . . . well, yes, actually. I did. Sorry. I found it amusing.

W: You found it amusing?

Peregrine shrugged. Then she threw up her hands.

P: Oh, come on! Like I have anything to do now, what with summer being over and all—

E: But you started this?

Peregrine nodded. Will and Legolas glance at each other and nod. Jack grinned and pointed.

J: Can we shoot her?

P: Wha—no, no wait! You can’t do that!

W: Oh, I think we can.

J: Charge!

Peregrine cries out and turns tail and runs, Legolas and Will and Elizabeth hot on her tail while Jack strolls back to his ship.