Hobbits on Harleys
guys, leather and motorcycles
A contract negotiation…
Elijah was annoyed, well perhaps annoyed was
a bit strong. But he seriously wondered what he had been thinking, with
all the guys in the film why he had to be a Hobbit.
Capri pants, a mullet, velvet vests, and
hairy feet. He had to admit he looked good but still, some wardrobe
negotiations were in order.
He had gathered the others together and they
were trying to come up with a list of demands. One they could agree on.
He thought they had it together and they approached Pete on a ‘good’
“Hey Pete, were all friends here right, Open door policy and all that?” Sean began as they approached the director.
Peter raised an eyebrow and looked worried,
it was never a good sign when the four hobbits approached, especially
trying to appear so serious.
WE have a few demands…Elijah began
“Our wardrobe is awful, it’s bad enough we
can’t wear shoes and you make us climb all over the place, sharp rocks,
sticks, hidden objects under water, Sean interjected.” They all nodded
“Every other guy in this film gets to wear leather, armor and boots. All very manly, we however have to look soft and girly.”
“Hey wait, I do not look girly!” Billy stamped a foot and Dom rolled his eyes, no, never Bill.
Elijah continued, “Anyhow as I was saying we’d like a few changes.”
“Leather must be somehow added to our
wardrobe. The hobbit mullets, we’ll keep those, not very manly but I
look good so we’ve opted yes for the wigs.”
“Leather and Hair, got it.”
“You know,” Dom added, “If we got some nice leather chaps and got rid of that smelly pony…”
“Bill does NOT smell, Dom, that would be Elijah’s sweaty feet, not my pony!”
“First of all Sean it’s not your stinking Pony, would you snap out of it.”
Sean grumbles and steps back, at least for now.
“As I was saying, get rid of the beast and get us some cycles.”
“I am not riding a bike through that swamp!” Billy whimpered.
Dom groaned exasperated, “Were you two even there when we discussed this?”
Billy and Sean look at each other and shrug.
M-o-t-o-r-c-y-c-l-e-s, you know ride em, drive em…speed um up a hill. Surely you understand the concept Sean.”
“Yeah motorcycles, great idea Dom!” Elijah slaps Dom on the bum. Dom turns looking like he may belt the ring bearer.
Elijah ducks, “sorry Dom, it’s a guy thing.
“Well not this guy back off ‘dude’.”
Dom: “So Pete, Harleys all around for the hobbits, we’ll get the quest over with much quicker if we can ride a quality bike.”
Elijah: “Oh I definitely have to have leather pants then…”
Billy: And jackets
Sean: Helmets too Safety first you know!
Elijah: I think that we should get to have facial hair too.
Billy: Uh Lij, I don’t think having it in
your contract is going to help you…uhhh actually grow any. (covers his
Elijah scowls at Billy
Sean: Yeah just because Elijah can’t grow a proper beard doesn’t mean we can’t have one.
Pete: I’m not sure, you know I am as flexible
as the next guy, well except for you Elijah; I surely can’t put my foot
behind my head.
Elijah grins proudly.
But I am not sure that the fans would
tolerate that many changes to the story. You should read some of the
web sites, talking about what we have done so far.
Ok I have your demands, and here is my proposal…
Billy and Dom, we’ll let your razor stubble
show through a bit. You both can wear leather in the Third film, not
before. Perhaps I will throw in some armor for good measure.
Elijah… you can toss the velvet coat and the
vest, sorry no leather unless it’s underwear. You can keep the mullet.
I can’t help you with the facial hair if you can’t grow it on your own,
tuff luck kid. But… you can carry the ring for all three films.
Astin…you get the same deal as Frodo, but the
pony can wear leather. You can dump that ridiculous pack in the last
film, and you can have razor stubble if you like.
Sorry guys, no Harleys in Middle Earth.
The feet are non negotiable…
The four walk away looking a bit stunned.
Billy: Well that went well
The others look at him…shaking their heads.
Elijah: I’m doomed.
Dom: mmmmm, leather, Ha! I get to wear leather.
Elijah: I thought I was the star. I got nothing. Orli’s never gonna let me live this down.
Sean: Well at least we get to keep the hair and the feet. I still think helmets were a good idea.
Elijah: you guys are hopeless.
So in the final negotiations nothing was
gained, nothing was lost, except an afternoon of free time blown on
fantasies about leather and hobbits and Harley’s
The End I hope