NEWS!

by various
Peter Jackson has an audience with Fili:

Yes, it's the interview you've been waiting for as PJ meets the dwarf with the shocking pink beard and IQ of 2,989 and answers his searching questions.

Fili: How many times have you read the book Lord of The Rings?

PJ: Not as many times as you, you diminutive anorak.

Fili: You made a fair fist of FOTR, but TTT was a disaster. What went wrong?

PJ: What went wrong? It's making even more cash than FOTR, you know-nothing shorty.

Fili: Call that a beard?

PJ: Not all of us need facial hair you could lose a badger in.

Fili: And those shirts? What's the deal there?

PJ: It's call taste, warg-burger breath.

Fili: Don't you think Macauley Calkin would have been a better casting for Sauron?

PJ: No.

Fili: How much did the New Zealand Tourist Board bribe you to film the trilogy there instead of in New Jersey?

PJ: No comment.

Fili: Do you read the message boards?

PJ: Only when I need a laugh.

Fili: Why do we see your kids every five seconds in the films?

PJ: They're cheaper to hire than equity-card holding actors.

Fili; Does any of the cirticism get to you?

PJ: Yeah, I cry all the way to the bank.

Fili: Why isn't there a part for Fili in these films.

PJ: Cos he died in The Hobbit - I wish you'd take the hint.

 - Fili

*******************

Oh Heck! ROTK having to be re-filmed!

Unfortunately due to a massive legal oversight on behalf of Peter Jackson the entire third film is having to be reshot. Worst of all, contractual obligations mean Ian McKellan is unavailiable for the reshoot so his part has been re-cast. And Peter Jackson today named the man stepping into the celebrated Shakespearian actors shoes as .. fellow antipodean, Steve Irwin aka. 'The Crocodile Hunter'. "We've had to change some of the script to suit Steve," said director, Jackson "but the huge fan base shouldn't notice much of a difference" Here's a short excerpt from the re-worked script...

From the battle of Cormellan...

Aragorn: "Form a circle! Pippin, stay close! Here they come!"
Gandalf: "Danger Danger Danger! Crikey, look at all those orcs, oh boy this is REAAAALY dangerous!"
*A huge Cave troll smashes through the front lines and confronts Gandalf/Steve*
Gandalf: "Oooh Danger, he's a little bit nippy" *to troll in voice you would talk to a small baby with* "You wanna smash me with your club don'cha, yes you do, you're alright mate, you're alright."
*The troll swings his huge club at Gandalf but he dodges just in time*
Gandalf: "Whooah, he nearly tagged me then, if he'd of got me then I'd be a GONNA! Woohoo! Danger!" *to troll in silly voice again* "You're a naughty boy aint'cha, yes you are"

What follows is a 6 minute long action sequence where Gandalf puts himself in the way of various enraged creatures whilst exclaiming how dangerous it is. He hops about teasing them and trying to get as close as possible to some without getting killed horribly.

Jackson said today... "Steve is a very popular figure and I can't see anyone having any well founded problems with him being in the film."

On phoning Sir Ian McKellan earlier he was at first incredulous but on confirming the reported change I was subjected to a barrage of rude language followed by a dull thud. Sir Ian has since been unavailable for comment.

I for one can't wait to see how the film turns out cos I think that crazy Australian *bleep* is great, that's all for now.

*******************
- Baron Wilderness

*******************

Coming Soon from New Line

Coming Soon from New Line... A martial arts masterpiece set in the ancient Orient.

With the visualy stunning backdrop of ancient China, this epic film is a truly spectacular cinematic experience.

Set in fuedal China and directed by Angbad Lee, this is the amazing story of a warrior, Li MuBaggins, and his famous sword 'The Green DeStingny'.

An epic tale of love, honour, revenge and mushrooms.

With the use of state of the art 'Hong Kong' style 'wire work' special effects, the fight scenes are more spectacular than ever before. Including the climactic battle between Li (Chow Yun Fatty Bolger) and the evil arachnid, Jade Pox. (Voiced by Michelle Yo-vanna)

In theatres this summer....

Crouching Spider, Hidden Baggins.

*******************
- Baron Wilderness

*******************

Consumer Report: "Environmentally Friendly" steed doesn't make the grade

If I were you, I'd be very little concerned with the warranty: fell beasts don't generally break down or become ill. History has proven this statistic time and time again; in fact, they're very hard to eliminate when the need arises! However, for the record, the factory standard warranty is a one-year contract, with a five-year limited extended warranty available at an upgrade cost of 5%, (that is, 2.5% of the cost of the vehicle, or "steed") or a lifetime warranty (your life, not the steed's) available at a 2.5% price increase. It's a pretty good deal, but the extra cost is really unnecessary.

As to forage costs, that is where this vehicle fails its test drive. Sure, they get great mileage, and if you've checked out the speeds these babies can clock, it might seem any cost would be worth it. However... tests have shown that, upon closer inspection, Nazgul Winged Steeds are not as environmentally friendly as they seem at first.

Fuel: Nazgul steeds, unlike airplanes or automobiles, run not on fossil fuels but on live feed (pets, hobbits, other small prey). In addition, they generally only need to refuel about once a month, obviously depending on mileage. Unfortunately, the cost in legal expenses and "hush money" outweigh any possible savings in that sector.

Also, long-term suspicion and ostracism are high prices to balance with any short-term popularity and awe inspired by the initial purchase and use of this vehicle. Typically, owners of the Nazgul Winged Steed find that after an initial peak, their popularity soon starts to dwindle and then plummet (usually in proportion to the number of miles traveled and [consequently] fuel consumed).

All this must be taken into account when deciding whether to purchase a Winged Steed.

Pollution: As far as gaseous emissions, these steeds seem to fall within reasonable levels of pollution. However, breath which instills panic into the hearts of those around, as well as a presence which repels all creatures in the vicinity, can not accurately be described as environmentally friendly!

Disposal costs: Actually, it is practically impossible to dispose of a Winged Steed once you have purchased one: the resale value goes through the basement at the first fueling, and as I pointed out before, demolition of any Fell Beast of this sort is nearly impossible.

All of these things must be taken into account when deciding whether to purchase a Winged Steed. Overall, I give the Nazgul Winged Steed an emphatic one (1) Steed Star, and recommend instead the Rohan Steed Shadowfax, which blew the top off all the tests and earned an unprecedented nine (9) Steed Stars from our eclectic panel of testers and valuators. [Please see our other Consumer Reports articles for more details on this incredible deal.]

*******************
- ainalorn

*******************

Newsflash: Ritchie Cunningham Steals The One Ring

LOS ANGELES, CA - Reports are just coming in that indicate that Ritchie Cunningham of Milwaukee, WI (a.k.a. Ron Howard, also uses the alias Opie Taylor) has stolen The One Ring from Mr. Frodo Baggins of The Shire, Middle Earth. The theft apparently took place at the Golden Globe Awards, after Mr. Cunningham lost the award for Best Director. Mr. Baggins, at the awards in disguise as Elijah Wood, was just returning from a trip to the loo when he was acosted by Mr. Cunningham.

"He was not himself," Baggins reported. "He seemed like such a nice fellow... but the Ring had taken him."

Cunningham apparently used the reflection from his head to blind Mr. Baggins, who tripped and fell. Eye witnesses report hearing Cunningham mutter "It could have been mine... It should have been mine... Give it to me!!!!" He then ripped the ring from Mr. Baggins' necklace, put on the ring, and disappeared.

"I tried to find the proper authorities to warn them, but I did not know the way," Mr. Baggins, visibly shaken, later recounted to the L.A.P.D.

When asked to comment, Cunningham's mother Marion only had this short statement. "Ritchie is such a good boy. I'm sure there has just been a misunderstanding." The Fonz could not be reached for comment. Detectives are investigating the theft.

In an unrelated story, Price, Waterhouse, and Cooper accountants could not explain the sudden disappearance of the envelope containing the Golden Globe Best Drama Picture winner.

"One minute, it was in my hand, the next, it was gone," Mel Gibson, the award's presenter noted. "However, I heard a voice whispering something about A Beautiful Mind winning or we would face 'the doom of men' so I grabbed a blank envelope and improvised."

Detectives have decided not to investigate the matter.

*******************
- Pippin's Scarf

*******************

Announcement: Shipping of LOTR Membership Packets

Decipher announced today that little Freddy Bagwell from Secausus, New Jersey has been selected to deliver all the membership packets to LOTR fanclub members. It wasn't his choice, but he has reluctantly agreed to do it. "I do not know the way," he said, so Decipher agreed to give him a map. He will set out on foot with 8 companions from around the world. It is expected that not all of the "fellowship" (they're called that because they're all fellows and they'll take a ship to get to international addresses) will reach the final destinations. They will be attacked at every turn by snow and rain and heat and gloom of night attempting to stay them from their appointed rounds.

Unconfirmed rumors indicate that one of the fellowship has already fallen. Apparently his last words were "Fly, you fools," seeming to suggest that the fellowship might have been better served using air mail.

At the end of the job, Freddy, who will certainly be tired, "stretched," and thin from all that walking, will be allowed to retire in the west in the fabled land called Hollywood.

*******************
- Primula

*******************

30 JANUARY 2002, THE MIDDLE-EARTH REVIEW

The hobbits will be debuting their newly-trained bobsledding crew at the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, Utah. The four-man crew trained in New Zealand for 17 months and will be bringing their custom-designed bobsleds made from bathtubs. Crew members include Frodo Baggins of Hobbiton, Peregrin Took of Hobbiton, Meriadoc Brandybuck of Buckland, and Samwise Gamgee of Hobbiton, and they are coached by famous Elf skiing champion Legolas Greeleaf. When asked what their motivation was to get pumped for the competition, Coach Greenleaf said, "I really don't know, but they hobbits go off before each race in a huddle and sing some gibberish and end with hands in the air as they shout 'The Shire!'"

Team member Brandybuck scoffs at comparisons between them and the Jamaican Team. Says Brandybuck, "Hey, if those Cool Runnings guys can bobsled and make a movie, then we can make a movie, then bobsled." Good luck to the team, now known as the East Farthing Boys.

*******************
- StefBaggins


News From Bree: Balrog Defeated in Heat Contest!

Sports fans from around Middle Earth were stunned to learn that Bill Balrog, Winner of 13,236 consecutive Burning Battles, was defeated today by a hitherto unknown adversary.

This reporter, who watched in horrified awe, saw the beaten Balrog bow as his Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Trophy was carried off in triumph to Canada.

Canada! The frozen north! Yet the result of today’s bout proves once again that sometimes the dark horse prances first over the finish line.

Bill Balrog, gracious in defeat, took the time to thank all his fans, and to sign autographs for those still loyal to this Burnt Ember. “I was beat, fair and square,” he said, his voice steady but laden with sadness. “Fair and square. And let me be the first to say that the new Champ is really Hot Stuff.”

The New Champ, a mild mannered grandmother from Canada, was equally gracious in Triumph.

“Bill was Hot Stuff in his day,” she said. “But the fact is, he came up against a force he hadn’t reckoned on.”

The ceremony awarding the Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Trophy was short and, this reporter felt, rather poignant. Bill Balrog, standing on the sidelines of a stage he formerly dominated, shook his head and sighed. “My time is over,” he said. “And I know that Vison will make a great Champ.”

Vison, for that is the name of the new Champ, held the trophy on high and smiled for the cameras. “He didn’t have a chance,” she said, matter-of-factly. “Not even a Balrog can turn on the heat like Menopause!”
- Vison


Middle-Earth Hurricane Names & News Headlines 

MALE START LIST.......
Aragorn
Belle (Goodchild Gamgee... Sam's mum)
Celeborn
Daisy (Gamgee... Sam's sister)
Eomer
Fíriel
Gimli
Helluin (The brightest of Varda’s stars... sounded kinda feminine)
Isildur

FEMALE START LIST......
Arwen
Bilbo
Coirë (The Elves’ name for early spring... sounded kinda feminine)
Denethor
Eowyn
Frodo
Galadriel
Haldir
Ilúvatar (A name of Eru... couldn't find a feminine one I liked, so we'll have this one)

In the news............

"Hurricane Celeborn Downgraded to a Tropical Storm."

"Gimli hacks at the Florida Gulf Coast"

"Recovery Personnel Create Pyre of Denethor"

"Frodo Gains Strength As Eye Becomes More Defined"
- StefBrandybuck


News from Bree………….About the Oscars…….

There is an old saying, “You can’t keep a good man down.” There is another old saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”

Well, dear Readers, my cara sposo Sauron is neither a Man nor a Dog, but I must tell you that those old Saws apply to him as sure as---as sure as anything you care to name.

We were sitting about over Coffee a few days ago, and Sauron was reading “Variety”, when he choked, spitting coffee all over the table, and then he began to Swear.

My goodness. He has many Abilities, my Saurie, but Swearing with Style, Wit, and Verbosity is surely his greatest Talent!

I let him steam on for a few minutes, venting, if you know what I mean, before I interrupted. “What on Earth! What are you cussing about now?”

“They’ve done it to us again!” he shouted. “Look at this! Six measly nominations! Six! How can they do this? Why—why—I’ll—I’ll be DARNED if I let them get away with it!”

“Oh, the Oscars!” I poured some more Coffee, and took the paper from his black hands. The heat of his Anger had scorched the paper somewhat, making it hard to read. “Six, eh? Yes. Let’s see: Best Picture, well that’s good. Art Direction? What does an art director do, anyway? Sound editing? Another mystery. Visual Effects? Now, that’s good, Sweetie. You’re a Visual Effect, aren’t you?” He scowled horribly at me, and I flinched and read on, “Film Editing? Hmmm…..I see where this is going. Sound? Sound. Well…..”

“It’s a Disgrace!” he shouted, pacing back and forth on the Terrace, waving his arms about. Birds flying overhead shot away in Terror, and a low-flying Helicopter veered sharply to the Right. “A Disgrace!”

“Well, it is a little annoying,” I began.

“A LITTLE ANNOYING!!!!!!!!” He stopped and drew a deep, ragged breath, then leaned heavily on the table and glared at me. “Is that all you can say? When Our Movie has been Snubbed so Savagely? Annoying?” He thumped the Table, and it fell to pieces.

“Sweetie, you must stop smashing the Furniture! I thought the Anger Management thingy had taught you that much!” I said, making my tone sweetly Reasonable.

“Anger Management! I’ll show you Anger Management!” He flicked open his Cell phone, and pressed buttons frantically. “Pete? Pete? Is that you? Listen, buddy, it’s Sauron. You know, Sauron, the Dark Lord?”

Readers, I have discovered a Plot. Whether Peter Jackson is part of it, I am not prepared to say. But what I will say is this: there are going to be Ructions over this! Sauron is not the only Visual Effect who is up in arms. The Watcher in the Water never got over being overlooked in Fellowship. The Troll is still truculent, and the Orcs are orchestrating a protest. Lurtz, who died so beautifully, whines to this day that he ought to have had a Supporting Actor nomination. And the Minions of Saruman, who died in their millions at Helm’s Deep, are some cheesed off. Treebeard refuses to comment, but the younger Ents will talk if you promise it will stay off the record. They are wild, and ready to take on Hollywood. “Look what we did at Orthanc,” a young Ent named Qu-ckb-am said. “Imagine what we could do to Tinsel Town!”

Unlike last time, we have been invited to attend the Oscar Ceremonies. But I am adding Flameproofing to the stuff I put in my Coiffure, and will wear a Tin Dress. Just to be on the safe side……
- Vison


For more news, see Channel Surfing through Middle-earth Television.