The Elven Safety Laws
THE ELVEN SAFETY LAWS
(TO BE CIRCULATED TO ALL REALMS, KINGDOMS AND ASSOCIATED HABITATS OF ELVES.
CREATED BY WILLIAM T. DARWEN FOR THE ELVISH TOURISM BOARD)
Being an elf is a dangerous business. Trust me, I know - I've cut myself
three times trying to write this first line alone. Fair enough, that might
be down to my stupidity rather than my being an elf, but still, the point
On arriving in Middle-Earth, you will find it a strange and rather confusing
place, not like our safe and sensible home. You will find that foreigners
do things rather differently, and their strange customs can lead one into
trouble. For instance, when I went to the local market to buy a quill for
the writing of this document hereof, the stallholder sold me a small bird.
Fair enough, you might think, but the little thing was more attached to it's
feathers than I first thought. That was the first cutting incident. And the
second. The third was because I slipped on it's dispatched...doings...hit
my head on the stall front and fell down three different flights of stairs.
Oh, then I had dinner and picked my knife up at the wrong end.
But anyway, the Elvish Tourism Board hired me to write these 'Elfin Safety
Laws' and so that's what I'd better do. Actually, they hired me to clean
their toilets, but I proved rather inept in the toilet cleaning department,
so they decided to put me on a job that I couldn't possibly mess up. So here
Rule #1: Beware of our own elvish staircases. The builders have a funny habit
of making them rather high up, and with rather less safety measures than
self firing rocket launcher, so be careful not to fall off the edge.
Rule #2: Always be sure that you don't fall in love with mortal bearded men.
They are not to be trusted. They will lead you down a flowery walkway of
romance and then when they've had their fun, and taken away your immortality,
it's 'move over darling' and you won't get so much as a messenger on horseback.
Rule #3: Do not wash yourself in Galadriel's mirror. She doesn't like it
and she makes you pick all the hair out of the plughole. Oh, and don't pull
the plug, because the water is ageless, irreplaceable and of international
importance or some rubbish. I told her Evian would be fine, but she would
have none of it.
Rule #4: Never take out a lifetime's subscription to 'The Middle-Earth Stamp
Collector'. It's a terriffic bore and immortality is longer than you think.
Rule #5: If you are ever asked to join a 'fellowship', and accompany them
on a 'mission of great importance', refuse them point blank. These gangs
are very often little more than weed-smokers that travel from country to
country under the guise of jewellers or some such rubbish, when in actual
fact they just smoke and cause a lot of trouble. Just Say No.
And finally, Rule #6: Remember one bite of Lembas bread is enough to keep
you going till your next meal. Never, as I once did, try and be clever and
make a corned beef sandwich out of half a loaf. I felt like a gastronomically
active balloon that day. And if you do plan to have more than a few bites,
do remember to take along some 'Rohan Rennies' with you. They work wonders.
So there you go. Follow these rules and you won't go wrong. Or not too far
wrong, anyway. And if you do go wrong, I hereby remove any legal responsibility
of myself herewith for your life going down the tubes.
(DISTRIBUTED BY THE ELVISH TOURISM BOARD. COPYRIGHTED TO WILLIAM T. DARWEN, BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WANTED IT).