It is said that there is only one way into Mordor and only one way out. In as a slave and out as a slave on the wrong side of being alive. Of course, this is untrue. There are hundreds of ways into Mordor. Not all are as pleasent as being a slave but you've got to pay your money and take your choice. So when Frodo and Sam were making their way there, they knew that they would get into the dark land...some how.
There are plenty of Tour Guide operators on the borders of Mordor. There's Sauron's Sightseeing Tour, with Al (If There's a Tour Cheaper Than This, They're Lying) Smith. Tourism had become a massive draw for business in Mordor, especially since Sauron pulled the plug on all the sweet factories in the area, saying that if they wanted a reputation for being hard, then sweets were not the way forward.
(Frodo and Sam are walking across very barren wasteland, looking at a map)
Frodo: I knew we should have taken a right turn back there.
Sam: Oh really? Then why din't you say somethin' then?
Frodo: I was lost in thought.
Sam: Of course you were. Unfamiliar territory, was it?
Frodo: I'm not criticising your navigation skills, Samwise-
Sam: Oh, SamWISE, is it now? Well if I'm so blooming wise, why do you keep saying I've taken us the wrong way?
Frodo: Well this doesn't look like the right place, does it?
Sam: What did you expect? A big neon sign saying 'Welcome to Mordor in Bloom?'
Frodo: I don't know. It's just all a bit...wastelandish.
Sam: It's all wastelandish, that's the whole point!
Frodo: We still should have taken a right back there.
Sam: Well if you think you could do any better, you be the navigator.
Frodo: But I'm the Ring bearer!
Sam: Ooh, well I hope you don't get too tired just carrying a small ring!
(There is a silence between the two).
Frodo: These conditions are terrible for epic adventuring.
Sam: I know. I can only just see my hand in front of my face with all this fog. S' ridiculous. They should have one of those flashy light do-eys that tells you to slow down. Fog: 500 yards.
Frodo: I don't think we're in the right place.
Sam: Really? Then where are we supposed to be?
Frodo: I don't know. Not here. Honestly, you couldn't find your way out of a paper bag.
Sam: Oh really?! Do you wanna give it a go?
Strange voice: Genltemen, gentlemen.
Sam: Who's that?
Strange voice: I am a ssstrange voice, haven't you read the ssscript?
Frodo: But who owns the strange voice?
Strange voice who reveals himself to be Gollum: It isss I, Gollum.
(A hideous creature steps out into their path)
Sam: Argh! What a hideous creature!
Frodo: Yes - it is just about the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
Gollum: Alright, give it a ressst, hold it. I know I'm no oil painting but doesss all that have to go in the ssscript, Meriadoc? I've got my reputation with the ladiesss to think about.
Author: Alright, then, go from 'A STRANGE creature steps out into their path' then. And just ad lib the bit about the ugly creature, Frodo.
(A strange creature steps out into their path)
Sam: Argh! What a unique-looking individual!
Frodo: Yes - it is just about the most unique individual I've ever seen!
Gollum: And where might you two be going. Sss.
Sam: We might be going to Mordor.
Frodo: With 'Might' being the operative word, Sam.
Gollum: Ah, Mordor!
Sam: Do you know it?
Gollum: Of courssse I knowsss it, hobbitssesss with Sssomerssset accentsss. I run a tour straight to the gate.
Frodo: Excellent - could you take us there?
Gollum: Of courssse I could, my preciousss clientssess. For a fee.
Sam: A fee? Why you stinker, we ain't got no money!
Gollum: Oh, what a ssshame. Ah well. I'll be ssseeing you.
Frodo: Wait! How much?
Gollum: Hmm...let me sssee. 100 of your Middle Earth poundsss.
Sam: 100 of our Middle Earth pounds? You're having a laugh, aren't you?
Gollum: I am not, asss you sssay, having a laugh. One'sss got to earn one'sss living.
Frodo: Well, I'm sorry Gollum, but we don't have that kind of money.
Gollum: Really? I accept dollarsss. Drachmasss. Pesssatasss. Visssa. American Expresss. Massstercar-
Sam: We ain't got none of that foreign money. And anyway, what's with your voice?
Gollum: Sss' a ssspeech impediment. Nervousss thing, you know?
Sam: Oh, I'm sorry.
Gollum: Don't be. I find it endearsss me towardsss the audience.
Frodo: Wait a minute, you said 'Audience' without strangely adding more 'Sss' sounds.
Gollum: Well, that'sss 'C', innit? I can do 'C'. Got 'C' down to a 'T' you might sssay.
Sam: How very odd.
Gollum: Look, are you taking the tour, or ain't you?
Frodo: We haven't got enough money, I'm sorry.
Gollum: Well, that...ring...of yoursss would probably cover it.
Frodo: The ring?
Sam: No, Master Frodo! Away with you, Gollum, you can't have my master's ring, as you might say, beggin' your pardon.
Frodo: No, it's alright. He can have the ring.
Gollum: I CAN?! I mean...I can, why thankyou very much.
Frodo: Here.
(Frodo hands Gollum the ring)
Sam: No, Master Frodo!
Frodo: It's alright, Sam.
Gollum: Follow me, kind Hobbitssess!
(He bounds off and Sam and Frodo follow).
Sam: How could you do that? That's the one ring, that is!
Frodo: No it's not, Sam. It's a cheap plastic immitation - I bought it from one of those Mordor Souvenier shops back there.
Sam: Oh bless you Master Frodo.
(They walk on in silence.)
Sam: I don't like this Gollum, though.
Frodo: Oh, he's alright.
Sam: Hmm, I'm not so sure. I knew we should have taken a right back there.
