Our 5 year mission (possibly extended if we get picked up by a
sindacate network) to explore strange new worlds and eat everything in
sight, to seek out bad guys and let them beat the tar outta Captain
Frodirk (Hey! Wait a minute!) To boldly go where no hobbit has gone
Captain Frodo Bagkirk: 'Shire log update: 3017.22. Today is my
birthday. We are setting out in the Hobbitship USS Billtheponyprise to
find my uncle, who went to buy cakes for tea and is late getting back
by 17 years. I suspect foul play. But with my trusty crew and this old
tarnished gold ring he left me, I think we can track him down.'
The Ships' first officer and vulcan, Legospock: "Captain, there is a
big cardboard screen in front of us, and it is displaying a huge
expanse of empty space."
"Duh! Thanks, First officer Mr Obvious! Just sit back there and braid
your hair or buff your ears or something! But first, get me Engineering
on the Palatir!
"No!" Legospock crosses his arms and pouts. "Not until you take that back! I am an Elf, not a Vulcan; I have feelings!"
*Frodo sighs and rolls his huge eyes* I'm sorry, Mr Legospock. Please get me Engineering on the Palantir?
"Yes Captain... ouch! I broke a nail!" *curses*
Engineer Merry Scottybuck: "Whaddaya wan', Keptin?" (heavy Scotish accent)
"Scottybuck! I need warp ten, or ten knots, or some kinda speed thingy. We must go and find Bilbo!"
"Ah dinna ken, Keptin! The injuns; they canna take no more!"
Frodo leans toward Legospock "What did he say?"
"I don't know, Captain. I can never understand his accent."
"Just do it, Scottybuck! Bridge out." Frodo turns off his palantir.
Peregrin Pippkov, pilot: "The bridge is out? We better head for the
Ford, then!" *cranks steering wheel/reins. Billtheponyprise turns left
Frodo shouts "U-huron! Get Dr McGimli up here. We have a medical emergency!"
*a Dwarf in a blue coat come stomping down the corridor, swinging a battleaxe*
Dr McGimli, ship's surgeon: "What's the emergency?"
*Frodo grasps his shoulder* "Stones! I am in pain!"
"Darnit, Frodo... I'm a Dwarf, not a doctor!"
"But I get this aweful pain in my left shoulder every time I salute someone! What could be the problem?"
"Maybe you should put down your fork first!"
"You're a genius, Stones! Legospock, form an 'away team'. Let's check
out that mushroom-shaped planet that has just appeared out of nowhere.
Where's my red tunic...?"
Watch for these new programmes on METV: Middle earth Television:
F*A*S*H= (Four Adventure-Starved Hobbit)
Tree's Company= Treebeard, Merry, and Pippin get an apartment together in Minas Tirith. Watch out, White City!
Leave It To Badger
The Andy Gamgee Show= knot tying 101
Iron Hobbit, the game show. Tonight's champ Sam "IronGuts" Gamgee vs.
Eowyn "mutton-butt" Dernhelm. The Secret Ingredient: Oliphants!
Late Nite with Gollum O'Brian= Interviewing Smeagol and Andy Serkis (this should be interesting)
The 'Gimp'sons= An all CGI family living in a motion-capture studio
Elvish Soap opera, The Edge of Nausea= Elrond realizes that his
daughter is about to marry his great, great, great, great, great,
great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grand-nephew, and he
hasn't a thing to wear to the ceremony!
Fäe Eye for the Little Guy= Fashion tips for Periannath in the big city
Shelob's Web= a children's story with a body count
Stay tuned for more madness! *Loth escapes lunatic asylum and runs giggling down the street*
Part 2: The Search for Spuds
HobbitQuest continues: The Search For Spuds
On the Bridge of the Hobbitship USS Billtheponyprise:
Captain Frodo Bagkirk turns to Legospock: "Where is Ensign Gamgee; my trusty and faithful companion of many adventures?"
Legospock is gazing into his science monitor, plucking his eyebrows:
"He is in the galley, sir. He is arguing with the replicator.
Appearently, he is unable to make it understand exactly what he
In the Galley:
Ensign Sam Gamgee: "'Taters, darnit!" he screams into the machine's ears, "Po-Tay-Toes!"
The replicator hums and produces a plate of rigatoni.
"NO! No, no, no! Listen, you stinking piece of ironmongery... Po. Tay. Toes. 'Taters! Got that?"
The replicator hums again and begins to issue black smoke.
"Computer! Call Dr McGimli to the Galley. We're about to have a medical emergency. Tell him to bring the battleaxe!"
HobbitQuest; The Next Degeneration
Captain's Log, Shiredate 3017.10.01.
We are approaching the Planet Bree, a squalid sphere populated by
large, brawny men where it always seems to be raining. It is the first
inhabited plant we have encountered since leaving ShireFederated Space,
not counting the haunted astro-barrow belt of the Wight People, where I
was nearly irrevocably detained in the guest-tomb of the ex-King of
Cardolan... but that's another Captain's Log for another day...
Anyway, I have ordered an 'away team' to be assembled, consisting of
myself, Mr Legospock, Dr McGimli, Ensign Pipkov, Ensign Gamgee, and
Commander Scottybuck, but due to the unusually dramatic background
music, I have decided to send down a specialist first... alone.
Scene: The transporter room. The 'away team' is trying to push Lt.
Boromiris onto the transporter platform, which looks uncannily like a
Lt Boromiris: "No, sir! NO WAY am I going down there alone with just a
battery-powered beard trimmer as a weapon! Gimme my sword, at least!
And why do I have to wear red? I watched the show, you know... lemme
have a blue tunic, please? I have a brother and a father… they'll ask
questions, you know!" He fights off all the rest of the 'away team'
(singlehandedly, for he is a mighty man, after all).
Captain Frodo Bagkirk steps forward, and he exercises his authority and
leadership ability, for which he is renowned universally. He looks Lt.
Boromiris straight in the eye and says, "Chicken?"
Lt Boromiris stiffens suddenly, reaching for the hilt of his missing
sword. "Gondor has no chickens!" He shakes off the hands of the team
and steps bravely into the catapult cup. Merry Scottybuck pulls a lever
and Lt Boromiris goes sailing into space with a
After a space of time, or a time of space, there is a noise of a
*thwap!* and a reddish dot appears, seeming to grow larger as it drew
near. Lt Boromiris lands on the tranporter platform with a *crunch*. He
is stuck through with perhaps a hundred arrows, but seems rather perky
Captain Frodo to crew: "Well, I am glad we sent the specialist! I guess Bree Planet is not safe to explore!"
Lt Boromiris to Captain Frodo: "Oh, it's safe enough now, sir. They ran
out of ammunition! Dr McGimli... some Neosporin, please? And perhaps a
needle and thread? I seem to have gotten a lot of holes in my new red
Dr McGimli: "Talk to the Elves about Home Ec., Lt Man. I am a Dwarf, not a seamstress!"
Legospock: "What's that supposed to mean? The elves invented clothes,
you know! You Dwarves and all the Men were running around wearing
nothing but mud and moss until we came along!"
McGimli rolls his eyes: "Oh, now I suppose we owe you thanks for that,
as well as teaching us to make weapons, to swear unbreakable oaths, to
enchant jewels and things to create deadly desire in mortals. Oh...
thank YOU!" Sarcasm is dripping down his beard like gravy.
“And what do we have to thank Dwarves for? Hmmm… maybe greed, shortness, dragon-envy, mustache cups… did I mention shortness?…”
Legospock sneers at McGimli, and they would likely have come to blows
then, but suddenly the catapult lever was pulled and they both were
hurled into space, bickering at each other as they soared away.
Captain Frodo gave Scottybuck’s assistant engineering yeoman the
lever-controls. He said, "Next time someone suggests hiring Elves and
Dwarves to serve together on the same ship, I am going to load them
into the transporter! Now lets go, Hobbits! We got a Wizard and a
Ranger to find on Bree Planet, and I hear Guinaman Butterwhoop has the
best beer on tap in this farthing of space!" He settles into the
transporter cup and yells, "Pull!"