The Adventures of Ditzy Celeborn

by Loanshark

Part one

Scene: Lothlorien, platform on top of the tree where Celeborn and Galadriel live. The Fellowship slowly climb up the stairs, grief still visible in their features. Celeborn is shown preening himself and checking whether his hair isn't tangled. Galadriel is clearly showing signs of impatience, then finally snatches his hand and forcibly pulls him down the stairs. Celeborn's aides follow closely behind, in case he trips up (previous shots have shown the chance of this to be 2:1). Miraculously, he arrives at the bottom step without even stepping on his mumu.

Celeborn (leaning over to Galadriel and whispering): So which one is Gandalf? The one with the beard? I thought it was supposed to be grey, not brown?

Galadriel (whispering as well): Count them.

Celeborn: Uhh.. One.. two.. three.. five..

Galadriel (hissing): Four!

Celeborn: What?

Galadriel (still hissing): After three comes four!

Celeborn: Oh, right. One.. two.. three.. four..

Galadriel (exasperated): You counted that hobbit twice. Oh, for Eru's sake, there's eight! Eight there are here, yet nine there were set out from Rivendell! Now put two and two together... Eight people here, no bloke with grey beard...

(Celeborn gives Galadriel a blank look)

Galadriel: Remember your lines... Please, for once, remember your lines...

Celeborn (screwing up his face, then quickly smoothing it out again as he realises it'll give him wrinkles): Tell me... where is...

Galadriel (whispering): Gandalf.

Celeborn: Gandalf, for I much.... desire to eat with him.

Galadriel (rolling her eyes): Oh, close enough.


Part two.

Scene: still on the platform in the top of the tree. Galadriel has just managed to shoo the Fellowship off to their shelters. Celeborn is still standing where he was, a vacant look in his eyes.

Galadriel (muttering to herself): I knew I should have left him with his mirror.

(She turns around. Just at that moment, Celeborn slowly topples over.)

Galadriel: And the ditz has gone and forgotten his breathing aide again. Breathing aide! Where in the depths of Angband are you?

(An elf quickly jumps up from where he was looking over the bannister, a wistful smile still on his features.)

Breathing aide: Sorry, mylady, I was distracted. That smallest hobbit seems strangely attractive and...*

Galadriel: Yes, yes, whatever. Just do your duty!

Breathing aide (stepping over to where Celeborn is still lying motionless): Of course, mylady. (He bends over and whispers in Celeborn's ear): Breathe in... breathe out... breathe in... breathe out...

(Celeborn begins to stir, and soon he is standing on his feet again, having needed only three additional aides to accomplish this feat. At that moment, Haldir approaches. Galadriel's face lights up and her stance changes subtly).

Galadriel: Haldir, dahling... (She notices Celeborn's ever-vacant stare over Haldir's shoulder and snaps): Get him out of my sight!

Aide 1: Left foot, mylord... Yes, right foot is good too, whatever... Lift... Bring forward... Drop... Now the other foot... No, not the same one, the other!

(Aide 2 lifts Celeborn's left foot and places it forward. Under cheerful encouragements, Celeborn manages to reach the edge of the platform, where the aides are distracted by something below. Celeborn continues walking, now that he's got the hang of it again, and disappears off the edge.)

Galadriel (groaning): Not again...

Haldir: Honestly, why on earth did you marry him?

Galadriel: It seemed like a good idea at the time. It was political. I got drunk with Luthien one night and we played truth or dare... Managed to get her back for that one though... Taunted her into going out with that Beren bloke.

Haldir: You can always divorce him.

Galadriel: Have you found any lawyers in Lothlorien? I don't want to talk about it, okay?

(She turns to the aides at the edge of the platform.)

Galadriel: Well? Has he reached the ground yet?

Aide 1: Yes, mylady. He seems to have fallen on that canopy that the Fellowship are sleeping in. It's all right though, I think it's the part where the halflings sleep. They're short anyway.

Galadriel: Leave him there, it'll give us some peace for a while. Just send his breathing aide down. Now, Haldir, where were we?

(The pair walks off with a gleeful smile.)

*Sorry, had to get a reference to the Secret Diaries in. :)