Lurtz - The True Story

by Islaren

You have to feel sorry for Lurtz really. Think of his life from his point of view:

He enters the world from a pool of slime surrounded by Orcs and Goblins.

Yawns "Ah-hem" big stretch, looks around "Ugh!" rubs his eyes as he gradually comes to.

"Oh, what IS this Goo?" he thinks, "I have to get out of here, this is so disgusting"

He climbs out of his slimy hole to be greeted by Orcs and Goblins.

"Urg! What is that ugly, ugly creature? Oh my goodness, there are more of them, Ugh! I really have to get out or here. Um. What I need is a nice long soak in the bath and a cup of tea" at which point he is dragged ruthlessly to meet Saruman.

Standing, half-clothed in a dark drafty room, no bath to be seen. "Brrrr, it's chilly in here, wish I had more than this loin cloth on" looks down "shows off my legs nicely though"

In walks Saruman. Lurtz thinks to himself "Ah, at last, someone I can ask about a bath. Hey! Nice robe, ooh I'd like one of them, wonder if it's one of those muumuu things I overheard the Orcs raving about?" as Saruman walks closer "no, it can't be, no flowers on it"

Saruman goes on about what a wonderful specimen Lurtz is, at which he thinks "Oh dear, I appear to be in the company of a Pervy Uruk-Hai fancier!"

Saruman then goes on to tell him about his mission. "Yes, master" Lurtz spits. He would have said more but was finding it a nightmare to speak with what appeared to be 3 uneven sets of jagged teeth in his mouth. Thankfully Saruman was telepathic.

"I want you to find some hobbits," Saruman said in his mind.
"What do hobbits look like?" Lurtz thought back.
"Oh, about 1/2 your size with curly hair"
"Any other features, I mean, what sort of clothes do they wear?"
"Oh, I don't know really"
"Do they wear muumuus?"
"I was just wondering if hobbits wear muumuus?"
Saruman, exasperated "Well I don't know, they may do"
"So" recaps Lurtz "I'm looking for something this big" puts his hand out waist height "with curly hair, which may or may not be wearing a muumuu"
"Well, yes, I suppose so, off you go"

So off Lurtz goes with a large herd of very smelly and uncouth Orc and Uruk-Hai.

Sometime later, somewhere near the River Anduin.
"At last, somewhere I can have a bit of a bath, wonder if there are any nice leaves to make some tea with around here." He hears a whisper that some hobbits are nearby.
"Ooh, let me have a look" he jumps around excitedly. "Sshh" the Orcs, etc glare back at him. He quietens down and peers through the undergrowth to see a small assortment of creatures sitting at the riverside. Whispering not as quietly as perhaps he should be he asks
"Who are wearing the muumuus?"
The nearest Orc looks at him amazed "What!"
"Who are wearing the muumuus?"
"Lurtz, are you looking for hobbits or muumuus?"
"Oh, sorry yes, which ones are the hobbits?"
"The smaller ones."
"Ah, yes, I see them. Are they wearing muumuus?"
The Orcs etc groan.

Anyway, someone gives the order to attack and so starts a rather violent free-for-all. Lurtz keeps a low profile, after all, his loincloth is grubby enough as it is without adding blood to the stains.

He is minding his own business when all of a sudden some bright spark decides to blow his horn, Oh, like he hadn't got a headache already!! Well, what with that and the fact that no-one would tell him anything about muumuus he just flew off into a rage, shooting arrows left, right and centre. It wasn't until it was too late that he realised he had shot one of those creatures "Ah no! I bet he could have told me what a muumuu is, oh, hang on, maybe he isn't quite dead yet" he thinks as the man falls to his knees slowly "better have a look just in case"

Well wouldn't you know it, just as he is about to ask the man the question someone comes and lops his head off.

It is interesting to note that as he sees the sword of his death coming towards him, his last thought was "Oh ****, and I never did get to wear a muumuu!"

(Dedicated to all you Lurtz Lovers, come on I know you're out there!)