If We were Smarter

by Gustaf


We must get out of this cave. Nassty orcsses, smelly orcsses." Gollum continued ranting about his situation. "Mmm what does we smell precious? It doesn't smell orcsy. We must shneak to it and gets it for ME! Shh. We must be quiet precious."

As Bilbo Baggins approached, Gollum grabbed him by his throat and all that needed to happen, happened. Later Gollum was heard screaming, "AAAGHH!! Where is my precious?? Evil hobbitsses. Thievses they are. We hates them forever! Curse the Baggins. Oh, why Smeagol, why did we give it a chance? Now our precious is lost!!"

Menwhile, Bilbo escaped and found Gandalf and the rest of the dwarves who were quite worried about him. Unfortunately, Bilbo had dropped the ring when he took it off and he forgot about it until it was too late.

Earth and Middle-Earth collided and catastrophe arose. Some person found the ring but because Tolkien decided not to write the Lord of the Rings, nobody suspected what that was least of all this young boy. However, the internet did get made and so did eBay. What the boy decided to do was to earn some money and sell it on eBay a week later. That was fortunate though to give some time and preparation for those who knew nothing about Earth.

"gollum gollum What must we do?? We wants the precious back. Poor Smeagol. Doomed forever." Gollum wandered out of the cave while white face shone dimly and found that everything was strange outside because of the collision which he knew nothing about. But as he was intelligent to some degree, he found out what to do quickly...in fact, too quickly. "Let's go in to someone's home while they're sleeping and sneak around to see what's gone on." Gollum found a computer, but unfortunately yet fortunately for him, he found a book titled "Computer Basics for Dummies". "Readdses, we mussst read!" thought Gollum to himself. "We must do anything to get the precious back."

After reading through the manual, he decided to set up his own e-mail account. Maybe he could find something there. But he didn't go there till another time. Something had to be delt with first. Walking around the house, he shoved all the contents of the kitchen into somewhere he couldn't smell it, then kept a knife or two, then bolted shut the master bedroom where 1 man slept and locked him in. "We have the houssse. Yess we do!! Good Smeagol! gollum"

Gandalf however didn't have so much luck as Gollum did, but still he did have some. He managed to gain entry to a library and steal 4 wallets and disguise himself somewhat. A lady at the library asked him, "Are you in your halloween outfit already for fun, sir?" Gandalf thought it was a perfect excuse even though he didn't know what halloween was, so he replied in a booming rich voice and laughed, "Indeed my lady, I come from ancient times so would you mind teaching me how this world ehh, works? Where do I find things or buy things?" Gandalf had some idea that someone from this time had found the ring and would sell it because they won't be entranced by it.

The lady showed him the computer and the buying stations of eBay, Amazon, and many other things because she thought he was such a charming old man whose grandchildren apparently didn't care whether he played with them or not. Now he did have some luck.

When the boy who had the ring decided to sell the one ring, he started at the price of $30. It happened that Gandalf was monitoring eBay 24/7 for quite a while he almost gave up hope, but then now, it was there!

Gollum after sneaking around for a long time, finally went to his e-mail and exactly that moment, he saw an ad for eBay with his precious at the bidding level of $400 with 7 minutes remaining. Now Gollum had found the man's wallet as well, so he and Gandalf soon learned the beauty of credit cards. Gandalf of course asked, and Gollum since he was naturally a thief easily figured it out. As the time ticked off, it was just Gollum and Gandalf bidding at the highest prices imaginable. Here Gollum made his last mistake; he bid at 8 seconds giving Gandalf time to react. Gandalf, typed in a higher bid at 2 seconds and therefore, the ring was now out of the reach of Gollum. Gandalf was exuberant and all he had to do was wait till it shipped to him. He was so happy and proud of himself that he saved Middle Earth. He now began his trip to Mount Doom along with Bilbo just in case.

On the other end though, Gollum wailed, "Noooooooo!!! It's MINE!! The precious is MINE! Give me my precious!! NOoooooooo! I wants it! I must have it!!! Noooooo!!" And on and on he went until his voice finally went hoarse the first time and his last. The man had called the FBI and they came storming in now because they were many many miles away from this house. They captured Gollum and decided. The last thing Gollum said was, "my precious. oh no. MY PRECIOUSSSS!!!"