The Second Annual Goldenberry Goldens (Oscars Version)

by Goldenberry

VOICE OVER: Welcome to the Second Annual Goldenberry Golden Awards!

Your host for this evening is the lovely Miss Goldenberry, herself!

We here at Goldenberry Golden and Affiliates hope you enjoy your evening, and remember these awards were voted for by your peers, not by some bunch of rich self-important Banker type people ;)

And here she is...Miss Goldenberry

GOLDENBERRY: Why thank you, Voice Over, what a lovely introduction! I would love to say that I had a fabulous team of writers, writing my little spiels tonight, but alas, no! So, rather than bore you with my lack of wit, we shall get straight into it!

The first award tonight is the award for the Lord of the Rings : Fellowship of the Ring actor least likely to be recognised on the street! And the nominees are:

Orlando Bloom, who played Legolas "You have my bow"
Billy Boyd, who played Pippin "Where are we going?"
John Rhys Davies, who played Gimli "You have my axe"
Sir Ian McKellen, who played Gandalf "Fool of a Took"
Lawrence Makoare, who played Lurtz, the lovely Uruk-Hai "SSSaaarrruuummmaaannn"
Dominic Monaghan, who played Merry "I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip"
Viggo Mortensen, who played Aragorn "Not nearly scared enough"
Andy Serkis, who provided the voice of Gollum "My precioussss"
and Elijah Wood, who played the hero Frodo "I wish the ring had never come to me"

And the award for the Fellowship of the Ring actor you are least likely to recognise on the street goes to

SFX: drum roll

John Rhys Davies, playing Gimli the dwarf!

Unfortunately Mr Davies could not be with us tonight as he has to be in the make up chair in another couple of hours and needs his sleep!

Coming up next, the Award for the Lord of the Rings : Fellowship of the Ring character most likely to prompt a tear!

And the nominees for the Fellowship of the Ring character most likely to make us cry are varied, from the most obvious to the, well, least obvious! They all have, however, brought a tear to our eyes at some point, whether it was on our first viewing, or in Arrarat's 300th viewing! (What, he hasn't seen the movie that many times yet??) And the nominees are:

Aragorn, Bilbo, Boromir, Frodo, Gandalf, Gimli, Legolas, Merry, Pippin, and Sam

And the Fellowship of the Ring character who brought a tear to the eyes of most of the voting Board was

SFX: drum roll

Frodo Baggins, who could forget that little guys plight through Middle Earth with the one ring? From the very start when those big eyes looked at Gandalf asking "Nobody knows it's here, do they Gandalf? Do they?" to the Flight to the Ford when he collapsed in Arwen's arms, I mean who doesn't still say on their 45th time "No Frodo!", when that happens? To the poor little guy's huge decision to leave the fellowship at the end!

Unfortunately the little guy couldn't be with us this evening as he is somewhere in Mordor, and we have been unable to contact him!

The nominees for the Best Partnership in Lord of the Rings : Fellowship of the Ring include some quite obvious selections, but there were also a couple of surprise nominations in there! In order to qualify for this award, the nominees had to have worked well together in some capacity during the film. This could have been in the romance stakes, in the friendship stakes, or even in battle! And so, the nominees are:

Sam and Frodo
Merry and Pippin
Aragorn and Legolas, in battle
Legolas and Gimli
Arwen and Aragorn
Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli
Lurtz and Saruman, and
the hen-pecked hobbit and his wife

And the winners, in a landslide vote, are Sam and Frodo! This pair could not be with us this evening as they could not be reached, it is believed they are somewhere in Mordor!

VOICE OVER: Coming up next, the fashion awards!

And now, the most fashionable award for the evening, the Most Fashionable costume! The nominees in this category are, as the name suggests, costumes - a first in the history of these Awards!!

And the nominees for Most Fashionable Costume are:

Aragorn's ensemble at the end of the movie, complete with Boromir's wrist-guards
Aragorn's Rivendell outfit
Arwen's outfit during Frodo's vision
Arwen's riding outfit
Arwen's Rivendell outfit - you know the lovely white one, during her love scene with Aragorn!
Celeborn's ensemble
Elrond's council outfit
Elrond's purple outfit
Frodo's outfit
Frodo's pyjamas
Galadriel's white dress
Legolas' Fellowship travelling outfit
Legolas' muumuu (aka Legolas' velvet cloak)
Legolas' Lothlorien pyjamas
Merry's outfit

And the award for most fashionable outfit goes to Galadriel's white dress! And here it is now, parading down the catwalk for all to see!! Doesn't it look lovely! Although, I must admit it's a little unnerving seeing a white dress walking down a catwalk with no one inside!

And now the award for the least fashionable costume! The nominees for this award are as follows:

Aragorn's council outfit
Barliman Butterbur's night cap
Cave troll's loin cloth
The dead guy in Balin's tomb's outfit
Elrond's council outfit
Frodo's mithril
Galadriel's white dress
Gandalf's robe
Gimli's ensemble
Gollum's loin cloth
Hobbit breaches
Legolas' muumuu
Lurtz' loin cloth
The Nazgul's black robes
Orc's outfits
Rosie Cotton's party outfit
Sam's outfit
The Uruk Hai's ensemble

And the award for the least fashionable outfit goes to Gimli's ensemble! Whether the dwarf's fashion sense was the reason behind the nomination for most likely to prompt a tear is still unclear!!!

VOICE OVER: Coming up next, the Goldenberry Grammy Awards!!!

And the award for the best song from the Lord of the Rings : Fellowship of the Ring movie soundtrack prompted nominations for the following songs:

Concerning Hobbits
The Black Rider
A Knife in the Dark
Many Meetings
A Journey in the Dark
The Bridge of Khazad Dum
The Breaking of the Fellowship
In Dreams
May It Be

It was a close race with votes being shared fairly evenly, however, one song did come out on top! The award for Best Song from the Fellowship of the Ring soundtrack goes to 'Concerning Hobbits' As we all know songs can't accept awards, I would like to ask you to play Track 2 of your Lord of the Rings : Fellowship of the Ring!

SFX: music - Concerning Hobbits

And the next award is for the moment from Lord of the Rings : Fellowship of the Ring which was most improved by the soundtrack! As we all know, music can make or break a scene, and nothing is truer than with Lord of the Rings! Luckily for us and for the movie, Peter Jackson employed the help of composer Howard Shore to compose the score for the film! This is why the nominations for this award are so varied and why the winners only just won! And so, I give you the nominees for Moment Most Improved by the Soundtrack:

The Boats on the Great River Anduin
Boromir's Death Scene
The Chase Before the Bridge of Khazad Dum
The End of the Council of Elrond "You shall be the fellowship of the ring"
The Ending of the Movie
The Fall of Gandalf at the Bridge of Khazad Dum
Frodo trying to leave Sam at Amon Hen
Gandalf and Saruman's battle at Orthanc
Gandalf illuminating Moria
Grieving for Gandalf outside Moria
Hobbits in the Shire
Ringwraiths chasing Frodo and Arwen
The Travelling Scenes
When Frodo is Attacked at Weathertop
When the Ringwraith appears in the Shire

Wow! For the first time in the history of the Goldenberry Grammys we have a tied vote!!! And the Goldenberry Golden for the Fellowship of the Ring Moment Most Improved by the Soundtrack goes to The Fall of Gandalf at the Bridge of Khazad Dum AND Grieving for Gandalf outside Moria!!!

VOICE OVER: Stay right there, the awards for best director, best composer and the Goldilocks Brownlock Raspberry award are coming right up!

Welcome back, the Goldilocks Brownlock Raspberry Award was a latecomer to the Goldenberry Goldens! The namesake of the award, Goldilocks Brownlock, suggested this as an anti-award for those critics who have panned Lord of the Rings : Fellowship of the Ring for stupid things like "it was too long"! This year, the Goldilocks Brownlock Raspberry goes to the critics Ebert and Roeper! From here on, their critiques of the Lord of the Rings movies will be ignored and given no credibility whatsoever!!!

And now the moment you have all been waiting for : the rigged awards!!! Despite these being rigged and the warning that all votes would be taken seriously, there were two voters who chose to vote against the tide!!!

Having said that here are the nominees for Best composer of a Lord of the Rings soundtrack:

Howard Shore, and
Goldenberry's mother

And the Goldenberry Golden for Best Composer of a Lord of the Rings soundtrack goes to

SFX: drum roll

Howard Shore, with a landslide of 39 votes

And as the evening draws to a close, I have great pleasure in announcing the nominees for Best Director of a Lord of the Rings movie! And they are:

Ralph Bakshi
Peter Jackson, and
Ridley Scott

And the Goldenberry Golden for Best Director of a Lord of the Rings movie goes to:

SFX: huge drum roll


Thank you all for coming this evening, and another huge thank you to all who voted in this evening's awards!!! I would now like to invite you over to the Prancing Pony for the after party!!!

VOICE OVER: If you would all move quietly to the Prancing Pony, all refreshments have been provided for you by Goldenberry Golden and Affiliates!!!

This has been a Goldenberry Golden production brought to you by Goldenberry Golden and Affiliates! The Goldenberry Goldens are in no way endorsed or sponsored by the Academy Awards, Newline, or Decipher! These awards were brought to you in the spirit of merriment and celebration of the fabulous film Lord of the Rings : Fellowship of the Ring!