A Night at the Oscars

by The Foe Hammer

The night has gone terribly, regardless of a skit and several puns related to TTT not one of the first five nominations wins an Oscar.

Coming forward to announce Best Picture are the Director and a star of last year's winner "A Beautiful Mind", Ron Howard and Jennifer Connelly.

As Ron begins to open the envelope, a murmur begins from the back of the auditorium, the murmur grows to a rumble, "Brrrarooombaroombaroom".

Just then an apple hits Ron Howard squarely in the head.

"Good one Billy!" says Dominic Monahan, who we see perched on top of a large figure that fans will recognize as Treebeard.

"Hey, how did that tree get in here?"

"Tree? I am not a tree, I am an Ent, well at least I play an Ent when I need a break from all that dwarf makeup." says John Rhys-Davies, who is carrying both Billy Boyd and Dominic Monaghan closer to the stage.

"What are you guys doing here? You're not supposed to be up here on the stage" screams Ron Howard.

"Easy there, Opie," says Ian Mckellan coming from backstage in full Gandalf The White garb. "We've come back to the Oscars, to turn the tide."

"What?! We don't want any trouble guys, but you have to leave." Jennifer Connelly says.

"Face it. Trouble is upon you. Whether you want it or not." says Viggo Mortensen coming from backstage wearing Narsil strapped to his waist.

Billy looks at the sword and says "Where'd you get that?"

"Didn't you watch your copy of the extended DVD rough cut yet?" says Dominic.

"Oops," says Billy.

"ANYWAY!" says Ian, bringing the group to order as Orlando Bloom comes out with an arrow notched in the Bow of the Galadhrim. "We are not going to allow this to happen again."

"Allow what to happen?" asks Ron Howard.

"Allow you to give the award to some artsy-fartsy chick flick or overly-intellectual tripe that only you and your hob-nobbing buddies bothered to watch," says Sean Astin holding a column near stage right. "This is the time for all those who see the movies to get what they deserve. Maybe we aren't supposed to be here, but that is not..."

Elijah Wood and Andy Serkis cut him off by dragging him backstage.

"Stoopid fat hobbit, loves those monologues doesn't he?," says Andy.

Just then Bernard Hill, Karl Urban and Mirandha Otto ride down the aisles on horseback.

"Hurry, Ian," says Bernard Hill, "the defenses can't hold much longer, the police are coming."

Ian looks at Viggo. "I thought I told you..."

"They will hold," Viggo says.

Ian McKellan takes the podium while Viggo and Orlando hold back Ron and Jennifer. He opens the envelope. A look of muted shock crosses his face as he looks to his co-performers.

"Oh my word, they actually gave us the award!"

He turns quickly to the audience. "Scratch everything we said, we'd like to thank the Academy, New Line Cinema and Peter Jackson who made this all possible..."