The sun rose over the cold, snow-capped misty mountains, revealing the full green splendour of the glades and hill tops beyond. the birds sang a bright and cheerful little tune, and the fluffy little squirrels scurried around the feet of the mountains, chasing a posessed acorn...in a dark, cold, smelly, damp hole under the mountain, Gollum, the world's worst food-chewer choked elegantly on a mangled fish bone he had been sucking to try and squeeze a few more drops of cod-liver-oil he so desperately needed as his skin was in a poor state.
"Stupid boneses" hissed Gollum sadly as he dived into the under-mountain pool to find another.
After swimming around for what seemed an age, he finally gave up on trying to find a mangled fish bone, and decided to look for one of those swishy fishys that tickled as they swam past...not to eat...just to play with...
You see, inside a mountain-side where the odd occasional goblin strolled past on a Sunday walk to work off his roast dinner, one can get quite lonely, as even the odd occasional goblin runs away, thinking that Gollum would try to eat him as an after-eight morsel. no...not Gollum...he turned veggie ages ago...in fact, I think it was after the time that one of those fishys bit him back...hmm...not too sure about that one...
My point is Gollum was very lonely.
SO HE DECIDED TO ADVERTISE IN THE MOUNTAINSIDE MONTHLY:
ONE VEGITARIAN SLINKER WITH A REMARKABLY GENIAL AND POLITE MANNER SEEKS TALL BLONDE PLAYMATE ALIKE TO ONESELF...BUT WITH NICE SKIN.