The Tonight Show with Pippin Took

by Elendil101

A two-hour (in TV time, eligible to change) long ‘Pippin-hosted’ version of ‘The Tonight show’.

AN: Announcer
Pip: Pippin (in his Scottish accent)
Pasco: The New Band leader
EW: Elijah Wood
---Actions are put into parentheses---


AN: “Welcome to the Tonight Show with your host, Pippin Took!”

Pip: (comes in as if pushed) (looking off to backstage where he was pushed) Aright! I’m going… but one question! When is dinner? (Turns and sees the audience) Ah! I’m being attacked!

Producer: (from off stage) Um, pip, this isn’t Middle Earth… (Goes up to him and whispers, audience can hear because of Pip’s hidden microphone) David Letterman is visiting -cough- New -cough- Zealand and you have to take his place.

Pip: oh, right! (Remembers that he was asked to fly here from Middle Earth on some strange wizard thing called an airplane) Sorry… (turns to audience as Producer goes off stage) you know, that reminds me… I was looking for a pub earlier today….

Pasco: (New band leader): Go figure…

Pip: You were with me!

Pasco: As a Bodyguard… or should I say Gardner? Which is a hire rank?

(Shout from backstage, “GARDNER!” is heard… sounds like a certain hobbit)

Pip: ( turns just his head to look behind him) Alrighty Then…(turns back to the audience) Well… Pasco Johnson… or as I like to call him “PJ” and me were walking down the streets looking for a pub when suddenly a group of… umm… I guess they are normally human… come up to me and start screaming for an autograph and calling me something… “Billy Boyd” I think it was. They were all dressed up trying to look Elven and saying that they were huge fans of someone, or something, called “The Lord of the Rings” and another thing called a message board, but I could only think that they were talking about Saroun when they said lord of the rings…”

Pasco: Please tell me you didn’t…

Pip: Didn’t do what? You were with me… you should know what I did…

Pasco: I was to busy noticing those girls in the group… They were all really pretty… seemed to be a lot of them…

Pip: Now that would figure! What I did, which I still believe is the right thing, was run away! First instincts are always right and I didn’t want anything to do with Saroun!

LB: So what if my first instincts right now are to quit my job?

Pip: Then I guess you’d be out of a job!?

LB: No kidding…

Pip: Well, anyways… (Sits down at his desk that he has slowly and steadily been moving to, spying a cup of coffee on the top… just waiting for him. It seemed to be crying out in his mind, “Drink me… drink me….”)
(Tacks a big Gulp)

Pip: (doesn’t respond to the enormous intake of caffeine…at first) for our first quest… I mean guest… we will be having… (looks in envelope) Elijah Wood!
(Pippin thinking: Whoever that is)

Pip: Welcome Elijah! (Thinks again: I guess I’m just going to have to read the questions off this card…)

(Band starts trying to imitate ‘Concerning Hobbits’ as EW walks out)
(Every girl and even a few married women scream from the stands)

Pip: Hi, Eli…. Woe, woe, woe… hold on a minute here… (Stares at EW) FRODO???!!!!

EW: Umm… Billy, we aren’t in character… just call me Elijah.

Pip: Whose Billy? And what are you doing in those cloths? Have you gotten taller?
(Pippin starts to think that Saruman had taken over Frodo’s mind and so goes alone with it so that Saruman wouldn’t realize he was on to him)

Pip: Never mind…umm… Elijah. Here are some real questions for you… What did you think when you found that you acquired the position of Frodo in ‘Lord of the Rings’?
(Pippin thinking: That is what that wacky group of people where talking about! )

EW: Well… I was a little shocked at first, but….

Pip: (Interrupting) what was it like flying to New Z-zeal-Zealand to shoot the movie? 

(Pip: What in Middle Earth is a movie? )

EW: New Zealand was beautiful, the people there were so nice and…

Pip: Did you and the other cast members become friends quickly?

EW: We definetly became friends… we all got the same tattoo with the elvish number 9 to stand for the Fellowship of Nine.

Pasco: Hey, Elijah!

EW: Yes?

Pasco: Can you and Billy do a small scene from the movie together? I don’t think I’m the only one here who would like that.

EW: Well, if I’m not mistaking, a few of the other cast members and a few fans should be coming on after me for interviews…maybe we can do one then, using the fans to make up for other cast members!

(While Elijah is saying that, Pippin says to himself under him breath: he has taken control of others too??? )

Pip: (Looks up at Elijah) Well, that is all the questions I have for right now! After the break we will be having (Looks on card) Viggo Mortensin (pronounces ‘Viggo’ wrong) and a member or two of the Lord of the Rings fan club on stage!

( ‘May it be’ plays in the background as it goes to commercial)

This being the Second Part of a two-hour (in TV time, eligible to change) long ‘Pippin-hosted’ version of ‘The Tonight show.

VM= Viggo Mortensin
Actions are put into parentheses

Pip: Umm… what is that green thing that is blinking at me? (Points at a green sign saying ‘action’)

Pasco: Pippin, we’re back on!

Pip: Oh, right! Well… umm… (Looks on one of the cards again, most of them scattered about his desk) Let’s have… Viggo Mortensin (Pronounces it right this time, after being told by Elijah how to say it) come out now!

(VM walks out onto the stage, once again many audience members scream including a lot more married women)

Pip: (Thinking: Oh no! Aragorn! Ack!) (Blurts out:) Saruman had changed you more then Frodo!

VM: (sits down) What in the world are you talking about Billy? Elijah said you were acting weird, not that that is unusual.

Pip: (realizing what he said) Oh, just messing around with you is all. So how have you been lately Arag…err… Viggo?

VM: I’ve been very well lately. My wife and I (a few ‘boos’ are heard from the crowd at the mention of him having a wife)… well I guess I’ll stay off that topic. The only thing wrong is right now I have a pretty sore throat.

Pip: That is never fun. (Looks on his card) Well, for the first question, did you ever regret being apart of this movie? (Pippin still doesn’t know what a movie is)

VM: Not that I can remember, and if I did I would regret it now.

Pip: Is there anything that you can remember and tell us that seemed funny to you?

VM: Well, for the people who’ve seen the movie, when I kick that helmet in the scene where we suppose Merry and Pippin…you… were dead, I kicked it so hard that I actually broke my big toe and Peter Jackson used that shot in the movie. So when you see me kicking that, I’m actually breaking my toe!

Pip: Wow… now did that “Ahhh” that I…umm… the people heard be affected by the pain? (Pippin remembers hearing a very faint screaming in his head that day)

VM: It could have been, but the show had to go on! (Laughs)

Pip: What was your favorite part of playing in ‘The Two Towers’?

VM: Everything, I like how Aragorn’s character is realizing that if he doesn’t become king, the whole race of men would be in a lot of trouble. He finds that this is a reasonability that is nonnegotiable.

Pip: Well, thanks for answering the questions! Now you can go backstage again and talk with Elijah and (looks over at Pasco questionably) we will call you out later so you guys can do a skit.

VM: Sounds good! (Walks off stage)

Pip: (I wonder who Saruman got next) Next out is… Shelob? Oh, we are keeping the real names confidential because either they like the name or the other fan club members would recognize them better. Welcome Shelob! (Pippin tries to sound normal but is freaked out after hearing Frodo and Sam talk about her after the journey)
(Shelob walks out and waves, a few other fan club members wave back)

Shelob: Wow, great to be here! I’m so exited about meeting you Billy! You remember seeing me? I was one of those people out on the streets!

Pip: Can’t say I do… Pasco here probably could…

Pasco: Yeah, I remember seeing you… right up front and in Billy’s face!

Shelob: I was being pushed… it wasn’t my fault!

Pip: It’s okay… let’s get to the questions. (Finds the right card in the cluttered mess) What had given you the reason to love Tolkien so much that you would want to join the fan club?

Shelob: I’ve loved Tolkien for 30 years and it is nice to share this with others that
feel the same way.

Pip: Oh, that’s nice. How long have you been a fan of the movies?

Shelob: Since February 1st, I think. After meeting fellow ringers to see the movie
and dinner afterwards, it was just way beyond cool

Pip: Dinner sounds good at the moment! (Says this in a loud tone as if he was talking to someone backstage) Anyways, next question. Who is your favorite characters? Like do you have one from the book and one from the movie?

Shelob: Well, Shelob from the books, of course. Couldn’t be from the movies. But at the moment I like Treebeard from the movie, very well done!

Pip: (Has flashbacks of Treebeard and sighs, quietly saying to himself, “Treebeard…”)

Pasco: Billy? Earth to Billy! Come in Billy!

Pip: Oh! Umm… sorry… How will you keep the ‘Lord of the Rings’ spirit alive after the movies are over and released?

Shelob: Lord of the Ringssss is Presssssioussss to meee, and alwaysss will, yes my presssiousss… (Laughs normally)

Pip: (shudders) That will…work… I suppose… What movie did you like better?

Shelob: I liked ‘The Fellowship of the Ring’ better than ‘The Two Towers’, but I love them both! I’m hoping ‘Return of the King’ will be the best of them; After all, I will be one of the stars in that one! (Snickers)

Pip: That is very nice, but I’m afraid I’m all out of questions for you! So go chat with Arag… err… Viggo and Elijah backstage and talk about which scene you guys will be doing together!

Shelob: This is going to be sooo cool! (Runs off stage to meet Viggo and Elijah)

Pip: -cough- Let’s get a move on here, shall we? One more qu…guest before the co... Commer…commercial (still says it wrong) (Thinks: Another thing I don’t know) Please Welcome, another fan club Member, Boriel!

(Boriel comes running out and sits down)

Pip: (Thinks: I think I’ve heard of that name… but I’m not sure… hmmm) Hello Boriel! Excited to be here amongst what I am supposing are your favorite actors and fellow Fan-clubbers?

Boriel: Oh yeah! I met Viggo and Elijah backstage. Very nice people if I do say so myself! And not to mention getting to talk with you over national TV!

Pip: What’s a TV?

Boriel and Pasco: (Exchange confused looks)

Pip: uhh… never mind… ok… to get things rolling, here is your first question!

Boriel: Ask away!

Pip: (Reads off the same card as Shelob) What is it that you like of Lord of the Rings so much that it would make you join the fan club?

Boriel: The sense of it not being an individual effort, but a group effort. All the members of the fellowship help each other out at great personal sacrifice and hold each other up physically and emotionally to finish the task. The people on the boards are the same - we have become a community that shares its joys and sorrows with each other

Pip: That’s to deep for a hobbit like me!
(Boriel laughs)

Pip: I don’t see what is so funny, but here is the next question: How long have you been a fan?

Boriel: For about 20 years I’ve been a fan of the books…

Pip: Cool (Thinks: How did she get Bilbo’s book???) Next question: Who is your favorite character?

Boriel: Well, for the movie I’d have to say Boromir, but for the books diffidently Aragorn.

Pip: (Thinks about Boromir and almost started to cry but then realizes that he would be vulnerable to an attack to his mind by Saruman and stops. He doesn’t want to become like…them…) *sniff* that is really neat *sniff* next question: Is there anything in the movies that disappointed you?

Boriel: Are you all right? You look like you are about to cry…

Pip: Oh, I’m fine… just got something in my eye.

Boriel: Okay… if you say so… about what disappointed me, Faramir got on my nerves, but I know that there is more there that will show up on the extended DVD.

Pip: Sure. Last question for now: Is there anything in the movies that you really liked?

Boriel: Oh wow, that would be a long list! Boromirs redemption before his death was done really well, the whole scene (laugh)! I like how Gandalf glows with brilliant light when attacking the army at helms deep… When the hobbits meet strider for the first time at Bree; the protectiveness of Aragorn towards Frodo throughout the entire first movie - in almost every scene Aragorn has his hand on Frodo’s shoulder, or is near to him! And I loved how Legolas was so cat-like and light on his feet and last but not least: the look on Haldirs face when Aragorn hugged him at helms deep, and the look on aragorns face! Also how he says, you are MOST welcome when Haldir arrives.

Pip: You were Right! That is a long list!

Pasco: (Has the band go through the Jeopardy song during the last few sentences and continues till Pippin is done speaking)

Pasco: Oh… is she done? Ok, cool.

Boriel: That was rude…

Pasco: Couldn’t help it…

Boriel: Sure.

Pip: Well, time for our next umm…break… When we come back we will have Sean Astin, more LOTR fan club members, and possibly a couple other cast members!

(Gollum’s Song is now played)