The Mines of Moria - a Script Change

by Dinledhwen

The Fellowship stood as if they were rooted while they listen to the deep booming sound of the distant drums somewhere below them. Then in the distance there came the faint sound of many high pitched voices squealing excitedly.

“That doesn’t sound like Orcs,” Legolas said obviously confused while turning to look at the open doorway. “According to the script the Orcs are suppose to come.”

So Boromir walked over to the doorway and looked out. Now he was a stalwart warrior who had seen and fought many foes but what he saw rapidly approaching them caused him to go white as a sheet with fear before he quickly closed the doors.

“What is it?” Aragorn asked as he helped Boromir try to barricade the old doors with spears that were lying close by.

“Something that is far worse than Orcs,” Boromir whispered fearfully while slowly stepping back from the doors. “We’re under attack from over enthusiastic female fans!”

Suddenly a loud pounding began on the old doors as they bent alarmingly inward. Above it all there were many high pitched voices continuously screaming their names and begging for their autographs.

“Gandalf what are we going to do?” a scared Frodo asked the Wizard while trying to hide behind him along with Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas.

However before Gandalf could reply the old doors gave way and in flooded a tide of femininity that quickly engulf the Fellowship. In a desperate attempt to avoid being hugged and kissed, everyone tried to run off in different directions. But the Hobbits were soon caught as was Gimli while Boromir and Aragorn made it as far as the door before they were surrounded and the Ranger’s foulness proved to be no barrier in keeping the women at bay. However it was Legolas who found that he had the lion share of the fans after him. So scared was the Elf that he tried to climb up a column to escape them only to be pulled down by the many groping hands and he soon disappeared from sight within the squealing mob.

Now only Gandalf remained alone. “ENOUGH!!!” he angrily thundered while he hit the floor with the end of his Wizard’s staff which caused a mini tremor and got everyone’s attention. In the silence that followed he added “This isn’t in the script. Who made this change?”

“I did,” the scared disembodied voice of the Director drifted down from the ceiling.

“Well if you don’t want to be turned into something unnatural, then I STRONGLY suggest that you follow the original script and leave a good thing alone,” Gandalf said in a stern tone of voice.

“Yes of course! O.K. everyone you heard Gandalf. It’s time to go,” the disembodied voice of the apologetic Director said.

Now some of the women began to grumble at having to leave but with one “Don’t mess with me” look from Gandalf they quickly and quietly left the room.

Slowly the Fellowship gathered around the Wizard while wiping the lipstick off their faces and checking for bruising on their ribs from all the hugging. It was then that Aragorn noticed that Legolas wasn’t with them. A quick search found the poor Elf lying unconscious on the floor in a corner. Obviously the whole experience had been too much for him and he had fainted. Ironically this saved him from all the hugging and kissing for his fans had been too busy desperately trying to get him help by dialing 911 on their cell phones despite the fact they didn’t work so far underground. Fortunately Legolas soon woke up and after being reassured the fans would not be back the Fellowship resumed where it had left off.