Polite coherent fan meets EJW : a spoof

by CedarRapidsBorn

PCF (Polite Coherent Fan): Hi, Mr. Wood, I mean, Elijah, I mean, well, Mr. Wood sounds too formal!

EJW (smiles) : Elijah's ok....Hi!

PCF: Uhhh, can I have your autograph.. may I have your autograph, please?

EJW (smiles again) : Sure! (He looks up in the middle of signing) You're not gonna sell this on ebay, are you? (small grin)

PFC : Oh, no!! Yes! What? No, I'd never do that!

EJW (smiling, still signing, a nice long dedication) : Ok -- in that case, it's all right, then!

PFC : I - I wanted to tell you that you're like the greatest actor ever who ever lived, and thank you for signing that and -- [mind is a blank, losing coherence fast] --and--uhhh -- Frodo lives!

EJW (finishes signing; smiles sincerely and returns item; very coherently) : Thank you very much! You're welcome, and, yes -- Frodo does live, doesn't he?

(He looks directly at her and smiles)

PFC (fainting) : THUNKKKK!


Then there are the fans who are semi-polite and coherent , but can also say really clueless things!

SPCCF (Semi-Polite Coherent Clueless Fan): Hi Elijah! Can I have your autograph please?

EJW: (smiles): Sure! (starts to sign)

SPCCF: I chew my nails too, since I was 9 !

EJW : Oh -- really? (very polite and kind, still signing)

SPCCF: Yes. I was born in CR too!

EJW (still very polite, smiles, still signing, a nice long dedication) : Oh! Where is CR?

SPCCF: Cedar Rapids -- CR! That's what people in CR call CR! [this is a fact]

EJW (surprised, not sure he believes her, but still very kind!) : Oh, I don't think I knew they called it that! We moved to LA when I was 7.

SPCCF: Do you remember the Tastee Freeze, and the Henry's Hamburgers , downtown, and the Piggly-Wiggly store?

EJW (unfailingly polite and coherent): Well, not really... I think those may not have been around anymore by the time I was born... [LOL!!!-editor] (EJW hands the signed item back to her)

SPCCF: Oh, thank you!!! Did you ever play at Bever Park? [spelling is correct]

EJW (has places to go! people to meet! but smiles bravely and is very coherent) : You're very welcome-- and, no, I can't really remember that park! We did move away to LA when I was pretty young...

SPCCF: How about Noleridge Pool? Did you ever go swimming there? [nice city pool]

EJW ( now he believes her, but he still has places to go ,people to meet) : Actually , yes! I do remember that!

SPCCF: Do you remember that awful smell of the Quaker Oats Factory downtown, next to the Cedar River?

EJW: (not being sarcastic; he actually remembers it... you can't forget that smell) : Is *that* what that was? I always wondered what that reek was whenever we went downtown!

SPCCF: Yup! And did you know that CR is divided into 4 sections [NE, NW, SE, SW] , just like the Shire is divided into the 4 Farthings? I find that to be cosmic, like, way cool!

EJW (still unfailingly polite, and coherent, but trying to figure out why someone who's as old as his mom is saying 'way cool'): It is?

SPCCF: Uh huh, and did you know that --

(EJW's cell phone rings -- instead of a ring it plays the big majestic main theme music from FOTR)

EJW (answering phone, ever polite ): Excuse me, please, for just a minute.... Pete? Hi, Pete! Yeah, how are you? You need me in NZ in 5 hours to do some reshoots for The Two Towers? Ok, I'll catch the next flight out ! See you on the other side of the international dateline! (closes phone)

EJW ( as truly nice as can be, smiling) : I really must go, it's been nice talking to you. I have to catch a plane for the other side of the world now, though.

(He looks directly at her and smiles)

SPCCF (fainting) : THUUUUNK!


Isn't it good to know that EJW will always have a way of extricating himself politely from any given situation???? LOL!!!!!

CRB :)

Hope you liked this silly bit of fluff. If I ever really met any one of them I'd be really quite speechless. I'd try my darndest to get out the "We're not worthy!!" thing to PJ , though, like Garth and Wayne from Wayne's World!!!! :)