The ROTFL Awards

by Black Breathalizer

Part One

[You see the usual glitzy award show graphics fly across your computer screen as the voice of an unseen announcer says...]

Announcer: Welcome to E! Entertainment's "Behind The Scenes Look at the Lord of the Rings Club's First Annual 'ROTFL' Awards."

[We see the ROTFL "Walk of Fame", a faded, moth-eaten, red shag carpet from Rosie's basement rolled out from the back entrance of the Tidewater Budget Inn outside of Norfolk, Virgina. (Clearly, Decipher has spared no expense for this Club shindig.) A crowd of curious onlookers from Dealin' Don's Rent-to-Own Store and Tattoo Joe's Body Art Shop stand around watching as the Club members begin to arrive in all their "glitz and glitter" glory. After panning this exciting strip mall parking lot scene for a few breathtaking moments, the camera zooms in for a close-up of the toothy grins belonging to this thread's co-hosts, Joan and Melissa Rivers.]

Joan Rivers: Welcome to E!'s behind the scenes peek at the ROTFL Awards. Oh Mawy, this is SO exciting! We've already had some of this year's nominees arrive.

[Camera cuts to a prerecorded video clip of a celebrity in a spiffy tuxedo and shades with a foxy date on his arm.]

Melissa's Voiceover: [stating the obvious] There's Primula and his unidentified date. He is the producer of one of this year's frontrunners for the LOTR Club's Thread of the Year.

Joan's Voiceover: Hmmmm...who the heck is that babe on Redbeard's arm? It's sure not the same one he was seen with last week. Don't tell me he's "pulling a Russel Crowe"?

Melissa's Voiceover: Fawgettaboutit, Mommy. Oh looky! There's ValkyrieCrush, one of this year's nominees...oh oh oh... and there's one of this year's co-hosts, Warbird and his lovely wife, Mrs. Warbird!

[We cut to a celebrity shot of Warbird wearing full Gondorian battle gear with his wife on his arm wearing a red sequinned gown. Next we see MistyMountainHopper wearing a green sequinned elvish gown.]

Joan's Voiceover: Oh My Gaaawd. Fashion Emergency! Fashion Emergency! How could MMH wear...[gasp]... FOREST GREEN? That is like SO not your color, goil!!!

[Scene shifts back to a live shot Melissa and Joan watching a bunch of stretch limos pulling up to the back of the Tidewater Inn to drop off more LOTR Club celebrities.]

Melissa: [displaying her trademark nack for stating the obvious] Look at all these stretch limos pulling up here, Mommy. I'll tell ya, everybody who's anybody in the LOTR Club is here tonight for this big gala affair!

[We see quickie camera shots of some of the celebrities as they walk across the red carpet. We see Took ... irascan ... legless ... Cadsuane ... arwen75 ... Warren Holland, Chairman and CEO of Decipher ... Prince Imrahil ... MithranderCQ ... Dandy ... Primula ... Chi ... Narya* ...and Dr. Gamgee, just to name a few of the stars caught in the spotlight.]

Melissa: Mommy, I really think that Tom Bombadil should have been in the Fellowship of the Rings movie, don't you?

Joan: What the heck does THAT QUESTION have to do with our Pre-awards show?

Melissa: [giggling] Like duh, Mom! You know I *had* to throw in at least one reference to the movie so Rosie (Moderator) wouldn't delete our thread from the Middle-earth Channel!

[Both women laugh out loud at Melissa's cleverness.]

Announcer: We'll return with live coverage of the LOTR CLUB's First Annual ROTFL Awards after these important words from our corporate sponsor, Decipher Games.

Part Two

[We see the usual glitzy award show graphics fly across the computer screen as the voice of an unseen announcer says...]

Announcer: Welcome to the Middle-earth Board's EXCLUSIVE coverage of the LOTR Club's "ROTFL" Awards! And now here's your host and Master of Ceremonies...Billy Crystal!!!

[Wild, roaring applause as the camera shows all the Club members in their tuxes and sequinned gowns at the many candle-lit dinner tables around the Ballroom of the Tidewater Inn. After a few awkward minutes of spotlighting an empty stage, it becomes apparent that Billy Crystal is a no-show.]

Announcer: Oops. I beg your pardon. Did I say Billy Crystal? Heck, I meant to say the host of this year's ROTFL Awards is...Whoopie Goldberg!!!!

[Wild applause as the audience waits for Whoopie to appear. After a few more awkward moments it becomes perfectly clear that she's not coming either. The crowd starts to grow restless.]

Announcer: Hehehe...sorry again. Did I say Whoopie Goldberg? Doggonit, but I can't read my own cue cards tonight. What I really meant to say is...please welcome this year's host, Warbird!!!

[A smattering of applause from the audience as Warbird jumps up from his spot at Table 1 and trots on stage with shouts of "Elendil!!! Elendil!!!" He's wearing his authentic ebay-purchased Gondorian battle armor and sporting a cool Sting sword.

Warbird: [still grinning] This is Swwweeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!

Heckler: Warbird is our host? Give me a break!

The heckler, grumpy old Black Breathalizer stands up at table 13 and raises his hands in protest.

Blackie: You call THIS a major awards show?!?!?! We lose out on Crystal or Whoopie and get stuck with Warbird???

[Rosie *moderator* stands up at table 2 and turns to address the Nazgul-lookalike.]

Rosie *moderator*: Give it a rest, Blackie.

Blackie: B-B-But...but...

[Suddenly Rosie *moderator* puts on her golden ring and turns bright green before our very eyes...]

Rosie (Moderator): I'm warning you, BB. Don't make me ban you.

Blackie: But come on, Rosie. Can't we do better than Warbird as our MC? I mean really...

[Rosie (Moderator) flashes BB "The Look" that all women are famous for.]

[Grumbling to himself, BB reluctantly sits back down. But the Dark One continues complaining quietly to Goldberry who has the misfortune of being seated next to him at Table 13.

[The cameras return to our ROTFL Master of Ceremonies...]

Warbird: Hullo everybody and welcome to the LOTR Club's Award Show. As you just heard, I'm your celebrity host tonight aaaaand...[trying to smoothly read his cue cards]...uh...you know how these shows tend to run long so let's get right to the awards...Our first award tonight is one of those early-evening awards that the people watching at home don't really give a hoot about...yes, I'm talking about the Best "I'm a Newbie" Thread of the Year. Here to present this ROTFL Award is HastyEnt and Serie the Elf.

[HE and Serie walk on stage to a smattering of applause from the audience.]

HastyEnt: This was a tough category with literally HUNDREDS of brilliant threads to choose from. The nominees for best I'm a Newbie thread are... "Hey All! I'm New!" Originated on January 5, at 18:06. Tahnee, producer.

[Audience applause as we see a camera shot of the sixteen year old Tahnee seated at table 16 nervously fidgeting.]

Serie the Elf: [continuing] "Which reminds me...I forgot to introduce myself..." Originated on January 4th, 17:02. Narya*, producer.

[Applause as we get a quick shot of Narya* high-fiving all the Club members at table 17]

HastyElf: [continuing] "I'm New..." Originated on January 4th, 21:28. PrinceLegolasGreenleaf, producer.

[A self-conscious smile from PLG seated at Table 8 as the audience applauds.]

Serie the Elf: And the ROTFL Goes to...

Heckler: Wait just one second here!

[Sigh, yes...another one of those "awkward" live moments as Ardulin interrupts the proceedings from Table 7.]

Ardulin: What about me? I wasn't EVEN NOMINATED?!?!?!?!? Everyone knows I had a great welcome thread.

[Serie the Elf double-checks the nominee card.]

Serie the Elf: um...nope. sorry. Maybe next year.

[Pippens-scarf stands up at table 12.]

Pippens-scarf: How come all the nominated threads were made in the past couple of days. What about great Welcome threads from THE GOLDEN AGE, you know, three weeks ago???

HastyElf: All the other possible threads disappeared off Page Ten before we could record them. um, Sorry.

[Groans from the audience.]

Lirien: [standing up from table 11] Well that really stinks. You know this wouldn't happen if we had an archive feature on our board.

Jaamoril: [yelling out from table 6] I agree.

[A bunch of the members start grumbling and complaining from their tables. Suddenly Rosie (Moderator) gets up from her seat at Table two and gives the crowd a stern, motherly look.]

Rosie (Moderator): [standing up again from table 2] Let's be nice now. Decipher has plans for a new board soon.

Lisa (Moderator): [Standing up at Table 2] That's right. Honest.

Fan Forever: [yelling out from Table 20] Hey, Lisa. How many Charter members does Decipher have in the Club now???

[FF's question is followed by a chorus of "yeah, how many?" from across the ballroom]

[All eyes to to Lisa and there is a pregnant moment of anticipation in the room whn suddenly...]

Announcer: Gee, we just *hate* to cut away at such a dramatic moment for a commerical message. But it's time for another word from our corporate sponsor, Decipher.

Part Three

[We return to Ebert & Roeper At The Message Boards, already in progress...]

Roeper: As I was saying, The ROTFL Awards - Part 2 posted last night was just too darn LONG. And I hated the cliffhanger ending to the thread. We never got closure. Everybody knows that any decent thread should have a true ending. We were all left hanging. We never got to hear Lisa from Decipher say how many charter members there were in the Club.

Ebert: Personally, the thread was a little bit of a shock to my system. I expected to see the cute and cuddly lil' fans I pictured from reading the Middle-earth board posts. But instead I saw a crazy bunch of foaming-at-the-mouth, geekboys and geekgirls...

[We cut to a flim clip of a squealing, wild-eyed merka holding up a golden ROTFL Award and jumping up and down with glee.]

Ebert's voiceover: [in his usual deadpan voice] I rest my case.

Roeper: And what was with that special effect thing??? Why did need to have Rosie turn all creepy, all-powerful, and bright green in the thread??? I certainly don't remember reading THAT from any of the other board posts. I always pictured her as a sweet, young mother type. Blackie's change was totally unnecessary and unnerving.

Ebert: Obviously Black Breathalizer has taken MAJOR LIBERTIES with the story of the LOTR Fan Club. I think shocked readers will have to take for granted when reading that vile thread of his that this is simply Blackie's own WARPED interpretation. It's not the way it really happened.

Roeper: Right on, Chubby!!! uh, we'll be right back to weigh in on the growing criticism that Warbird is being portrayed as a wimp in The ROTFL Awards - Part 2 after this commerical message from Decipher...

Part Three and one-half

[We rejoin The Lord of the Rings Fan Club's First Annual ROTFL Awards show already in progress...]

[We see GandalfsApprentice on stage accepting the Tolkien Purist Society's Lifetime Achievement Award for Keeping the Faith from presenters, Oldtook and irascian.]

GandalfsApprentice: Whoa... [glances down at the statuette] I never expected to get this baby. I would like to thank the Tolkien Purist Society for this great honor. I would also like to thank all you childish Jackson Apologists out there who made this award possible...

[A smattering of boos from the audience and a few spitwads thrown from the direction of Table 13 where Black Breathalizer and The Young Took are seated.]

GandalfsApprentice: I want to thank my parents... my mentor, Oldtook, and all the "little people" who helped in various ways to make me the major Lord of the Rings Message Board Superstar I am today. In conclusion, I'd just like to say that...

[GA raises both hands in the air in a Jim Cameron-type "King of the World" pose...]

GandalfsApprentice: The movie STILL has serious flaws!!!! WHOO-HOOO!

[Polite applause followed by the usual sniping comments and mumblings you hear at these types of award shows: "What a jerk!", "Honestly, did YOU vote for him?!" and "Waiter? Could you freshen my drink please?"]

Announcer: We'll be right back with more ROTFL Awards after another Decipher plug.

Part Four

StefBaggins: What the heck do you MEAN my name is not on the guest list? Don't you recognize who I am? Haven't you been paying ANY attention to the Lord of the Rings Club Message Boards? I'm like, you know, one of the orginals; I'm one of THE Stars!

[Zeke sighs and flashes his buddy, Elwood a "How do I always get into these kinds of messes?" look.

Zeke: I'm sorry, ma'am...oops, pardon me.

[StefBaggins is asked to get out of the doorway so that Elektra1995 and Marsaili can reenter the ballroom after powdering their noses. Marsaili gives StefBaggins a dirty look and whispers "one of our poster groupies I suppose" to Elektra as they pass.]

StefBaggins: [to the two guards] You've just GOT to let me in. I know I'm probably up for some big award or something. It would be like SO embarrassing if I weren't there to accept it in person.

[Zeke tries thinking of something to soften the blow.]

Zeke: um...sorry. Life ain't fair and stuff.

StefBaggins: [flashing a killer smile] Oh pleeeeease? Pretty please???

[Elwood leans forward and whispers in Zeke's ear.]

Elwood: Psst...that Dan guy, you know, the Club's President, never did show...

Zeke: [smiling up at StefBaggins] Oooookay, girl. You win. We've found an open seat for ya at Table 13.

StefBaggins: [excitedly flipping out her compact to touch up her make-up] Oh thankyouthankyouthankyou, guys. I promise you won't regret this.

[StefBaggins pauses at the ballroom doorway.]

StefBaggins: Well? Are you going to announce my entrance?

Zeke: Don't push it. This ain't Cinderella, toots.

StefBaggins: [blushing] Heehee...Just asking. By the way, who else is at Table 13?

Zeke: [thumbing through his guest list] hmmmm...let's seeeee, table 13...here it is: The Young Took, Goldberry, Essi, Skybly, Lord Hutt, Marian, legless, and Black Breathalizer.

[The security camera zooms in for a close-up of StefBaggin's face. Her big, eyes are filled with fear and her cheeks are now streaked with tears as she stares off into the distance at Table 13.]

StefBaggins: [sobbing] Why oh why do I have to be stuck sitting at Table 13? I wish none of this had happened. I wish THAT seat had never come to me.

Zeke: [trying to comfort her] So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is whether or not to sit in the seat that's been given to us. Now git yer hiney IN THERE!!!

[StefBaggins bravely walks through the doorway and enters the ballroom...]