The Scene: The dark, sinister fan fiction Mines of the Middle-Earth Board
We see a small rag-tag fellowship of old LOTR Discussion threaders (Black Breathalizer, Dr. Gamgee, Rosie, CedarRapidsBorn, Took, Warbird, and Primula) trying to work their way through the board’s threads to the light on the other side (The Prancing Pony Board).
Dr. Gamgee: (glancing around) It doesn’t look like a LOTR discussion board here...(looking alarmed)...it l-l-looks like a FAN FICTION board!!!
(The startled party looks around the darkened board and see literally thousands of dead Inkling threads all around them.)
Blackie: Be careful. There are older and fouler things than Inklings on the dark pages of this place.
(Suddenly the Fellowship hear the frantic “chita-chita-chit” of keyboard keys.)
Blackie: Close this thread!!! Hurry!!!
(Rosie and Primula hurry to close it but not before dozens of Inkling journal entries start bashing through.)
Rosie (in disbelief to Primula): They even have a LIMERICK for crying out loud!
Blackie: Hurry! Let’s defend ourselves...start a new discussion about Helm's Deep or what Treebeard will look like or SOMETHING! Discuss! Discuss! Discuss!
(Just when it looks like things can’t get any worse for our brave band of LOTR discussion threaders, there is a mighty roar
and all the inklings run away.)
CedarRapidsBorn: What is this new devilry?
Blackie (looking old and tired) It is a board writer from the ANCIENT (pre-December, 2001) times...she is called a STEFBAGGINS!!! Run this foe is beyond any of you!!!
(The party hightails it in the direction of the Prancing Pony when the great StefBaggins approaches Blackie with her own fan fiction website and an evil smile.)
Blackie: YOU SHALL NOT FAN FIC!!!!!
(SteffBaggins swings and links Blackie to her website at the precise moment he decides to end this stupid story by breaking
the flooring beneath them...)
Blackie: DISCUSS, YOU FOOLS, DISCUSS!!!!!
(Seeing that Blackie, himself, has plunged into the fan fiction void, the rest escape.)
And on the next installment of Lord of the Inklings...
The Scene: The tower at Helm's Deep where an Aragornish-looking MithrandirCQ is talking to King Blackie, a Theoden lookalike.
Blackie: Did you visit StefBaggins' fan fiction webpage? How many of them?
MithrandirCQ: SEVENTY journal posts strong, m'lord.
Blackie: 70??!?!?! gulp...forget dignity and honor, I'm surrendering!!!
The Scene: Bag End where the wizard, Overlithe, is lecturing little Blackie.
Overlithe: I suppose you thought your last post was terrible clever!
Blackie: Oh, come on, Overlithe, I was just having a little fun.
Overlithe: Playing around with fan fiction writers, especially LOTR inklings is NEVER a good idea.
Blackie: ooooh, I suppose you're right. I'll apologize. sheeeesh.
- Black Breathalizer
Blackie:You will keep an eye on the boards won't you?
Overlithe: Two Eyes as often as I can spare them. So you mean to go on with this then...
Blackie: Yes, yes its all in order...
Overlithe: What about this post of yours?
Blackie: Its there on the mantle piece.
Overlithe: How about you throw it in the fire now and we'll save 21/2 hours of time?
Blackie: You want it for yourself! - Overlithe
The Scene: Later on in Bag End where Frodo is talking to the wizard, Overlithe, about this fearsome fan fic thread.
Frodo: (panicky) Take it, Overlithe!!! You must take it!
Overlithe: DON'T TEMPT ME, FRODO!!! I would use this thread to make a good solid point...but over me, it would wield a FAN FIC
reply too clever and witty for words.
Frodo: What must I do?
Overlithe the Wizard: You must leave Blackie's dumb thread behind and resist the temptation to write ANY MORE of these stupid
fan fic posts... (dramatic pause)... Remember, this thread WANTS to encourage silliness! - Black Breathalizer
Primula's version, posted at the same time:
Blackie: You will keep an Inkling going for the other posters won't you?
Overlithe: TWO Inklings, as often as I can write them.
Blackie: I'm leaving all the fanfic to them.
Overlithe: What about the parodies? Are you leaving them too?
Blackie: Yes, yes...the parodies are in an envelope on the mantel ...wait...they're here in my pocket! Isn't that odd now.
Yet, why not. Why shouldn't they be? They're mine...my own, my PRECIOUS!
Overlithe: Precious? They've been called that before, but not by you.
Blackie: What business is it of yours if I post the only parodies on the boards?
Overlithe: I think you've kept the monopoly on parodies quite long enough.
Blackie: You just want to write them yourself!
Overlithe: BLACK BREATHALIZER - do not take me for some writer of serious fanfic only. I'm NOT trying to DELETE you......I'm
trying to help you.
(Blackie and Overlithe share a comforting moment)
Blackie: You're right. The parodies must be left for all the posters. Well, I must be off. The threads are long and the hour
Overlithe: You still have the parodies in your pocket.
Blackie: Oh...yes... (with great drama, Blackie drop the envelope on the floor where it lands with a resounding thud and a
couple small ah-OOO-gahs.)
Thus were the parodies given a new set of writers, and a new age began. - Primula