Tom Bombadil's Trip to his Shrink

by Baron Wilderness

Doc: Hello again Tom, let's see if we can get your second name for my files this week shall we?
Tom: I'm Tom Bombadillo, a ring a dong dillo
Doc: Come again?
Tom: Ho ho, my fine fellow, I'm Tom, Tom Bombadillo!
Doc: *writing* Tom Bomba- what was it again?
Tom: Bombadillo ring a dil, roll a dol dello
Doc: Look, just tell me your name ok, leave out all the ringing and dinging.
Tom: Old Tom without a ring and a ding would be a very dull fellow, but with a song and a smile or a merry dol dello he....
Doc: *Cutting in* Oh never mind then, now, last week we were trying to figure out what might be at the heart of this depression you've been feeling, any more thoughts on that?
Tom: Hey ho and no, Tom is as happy as a spring lamb a-leaping, a sun ray a-shining high in the clear morning.
Doc: I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong Tom.
Tom: With a ring a ding dol-o, but Tom sees nought wrong-o, he sings with his fair Lady under trees cool and shady, he...
Doc: TOM, do you think being left out of THAT film we talked about might have something to do with it?
Tom: Arrrgh, you stinking liar! You promissed not to mention that again!
Doc: I know but it seems to be at the heart of all your bother, why don't you drop all this skipping about waffle and talk to me about what's troubling you hmm?.
Tom: *Grinding teeth and turning red* Well, why wasn't I in the film eh? I saved those *bleep* midgets from the wraiths on the downs, ME, I DID. They wouldn't have even got to Bree if it wasn't for me! Okay so I'm not as interesting as, say, Gollum or as cool as Legolas but for petes sake! Celeborn got in and he can't even *bleep* act! That guy drinks so much gin he can hardly stand up straight! But they don't get rid of him, oh no, 'Get rid of Bombadil' they say 'Bombadil won't mind, he's got better things to do anyway' WELL I DO *BLEEP* MIND. Do you know what my life consists of?
Doc: This is excellent Tom, were making real progress now, tell me..
Tom: Singing and skipping about like a *bleep* moron, what kind of a life is that? My life *****, even the trees hate me and I swear that Goldberry is seeing some Ranger behind my back. If I ever catch him he's gonna get a right... ring a dol dello, i'll sing him a song-o, such a splendid fellow..*Tom jumps up and starts dancing round the table*
Doc: Uh-oh
Tom: That's it, times a wasting, and I must be hasting, back to my wood with a song and a bong and a rill a dill-a dol-a merry-dingo, back I must skip to my wood filled with willow, a bang and a clang and a ping-pong pillow
*aside to Doc desperately* HELP ME!
*back to dancing* a roll along, bowl along, sing along fellow, thats me, yes indeed, Tom Bombadillo...
Doc: Nurse! Bring the sedatives!
Tom: *loosing it* With a dell and a doll and a fat armadillo, all rolled up in a pipe with some raspberry jello, skip along, drip along, ding dong ping pong sing song, aaAAAaarg *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep*
*Nurse shoots enraged Tom full of sedatives and he passes out on the floor, he is wheeled away on a trolley*
Doc: There goes one sick and twisted little man, right, who's next?
Nurse: A gentleman with rather disturbing 'control' issues I think
Doc: Well, send 'em in
Nurse: Is Mr. Saruman here? Mr. Ernest Saruman?