Double Feature
by Avondster
I was watching a certain film and I couldn't help but notice certain similarities... And this just popped into my head!
The Fellowship have just departed from Rivendell
and it is a fair morning. Frodo is walking in front of the group with Gandalf
and Sam by his side. Aragorn and Legolas have a whispered conversation behind
them, Gimli trying to keep up with them and Boromir, in the back of the group,
is constantly occupied with getting Merry and Pippin back, who stop by every
interesting thing that they encounter.
Suddenly, a movement in the bushes stops Aragorn
and Gandalf. Frodo and Sam, oblivious of possible danger, walk ahead when
Frodo is suddenly toppled over by a reddish blond little man.
Frodo: Oh, Pippin! Stop tha…
* The little man gets up and helps Frodo to stand up. Sam looks at him suspiciously. *
Frodo: Well hello, good sir. I certainly did not expect to find a fellow Hobbit here.
Willow: Hobbit? I’m not a Hobbit, whatever that is. My name is Willow Ufgood and I’m a Nelwyn.
Sam: What’s a Nelwyn, then?
Willow: They are cute little folk that live in
their own isolated country, where it’s all nice and green and happy. We love
good tilled earth and things that grow, and have great parties at which foreboding
things happen.
Fellowship: ...
Willow: I am on a perilous Quest to rescue the
world from eternal darkness. I may be a small and unimportant being, but
even the smallest person can change the course of the future.
Frodo: Eh… right. Well, these are my companions. This is Gandalf, an old guy who can do magic and likes to dress in grey.
Willow: Oh, that’s nice. This is Fin Raziel, an old woman who can do magic and likes to dress in grey.
Frodo: ... That is a goat.
Raziel: I am not! (to Gandalf) Hey handsome, wanna hang out?
Gandalf: Ummm… not really.
Willow: These are two fairies, who, for some inexplicable
reason are named after cupcakes. They really don’t have any significance,
they’re just here for comic relief.
* Sam looks over his shoulder to Merry, who is
trying to get Pippin out of a tree. Pippin falls on top of Merry and everyone
laughs. *
Sam: Nah, too easy. (To Willow) But I bet you don’t
have an honest and loyal best friend with you who is so devoted to you he’d
give his life to save you and with whom you can have emotional dialogues
that make the audience sob?
Willow: Well, you know, actually I did. But I care
so much about him I wouldn’t want him to get hurt because of me. So I sent
him home to be with the woman he loves.
* Sam throws a stabbing look at Frodo and walks off to be comic relief with M & P. *
Frodo: Yeah, whatever. Aaanyway, this is Aragorn,
a guy who can do neat things with his sword and to whom is more than meets
the eye, Legolas, who is the idol of every pre-mature girl in the audience,
and Gimli, who provides the comic relief when Merry and Pippin aren’t there.
Willow: Oh really? This is Madmartigan, he is both a skilled warrior, a teen idol AND provides comic relief, all in one!
Frodo: Wow! That must spare you a lot of room!
Willow: Definitely. So anyway, who’s the bearded guy?
Frodo: Who? (waves hand absent-mindedly) Ooh, that’s just Boromir.
Frodo: I notice you failed to name one of your companions as well.
Willow: Oh, I totally forgot about him. That’s
Airk, an expendable character who has no significance what so ever, except
to give us a motive for vengeance when he dies in battle in a really dramatic
way.
* Foreboding music swells. Boromir looks really depressed. *
Frodo: So, where are y’all going?
Willow: We are off to see a pretty blond lady in
long white robes who can float through the air and whom is beautiful and
scary at the same time, with a voice that gives you the creeps. She’s going
to tell us how to defeat the Dark Forces that threaten our land. But I won’t
hold you up long, since we are pursued by really scary men on black horses
who want to kill us.
Frodo: (dumbfounded)
Aragorn: But I bet you don’t have someone with
you who secretly is the heir to the throne of a really powerful kingdom,
and whom is destined to rid the world from evil, do you?
Willow: Umm… well actually, yes.
Frodo: Why am I not surprised?
Willow: This is Elora, whom, apart from being the future Queen of Goodness, is extremely cute and cuddly.
Aragorn: (pouts)
Frodo: (sighs) Got an impossible love?
Willow: Yup.
Frodo: Scary animals?
Willow: Yubetcha. (looking pleased with himself)
Frodo: (frustrated) Yeah? … well at least we are far more credible than you are!
Willow: Well at least we use *real* little people!
Frodo: I am cuter than you!
Willow: I speak British without a dialect coach!
Frodo: That’s it, now it’s personal! (grabs Sting)
Willow: Hey, I don’t have a sword!
Frodo: Ha! (whacks Willow on the head)
* nasty fight starts. Cartoony cloud of mysterious
fog surrounds them. It slowly grows silent. Fellowship comes out one by one,
pulling out tiny arrows. *
Gandalf: (sitting by a fire eating) Sooo… roasted goat, anyone?
Fellowship: Yay!
