Pippin and the Troll: the Real Story

by Auntkimby

Did you ever wonder how it was that a troll by the Black Gate crushes Pippin, and then two weeks later he’s serving dinner? (Pippin, not the troll) Well, allow me to clear up that mystery for you.

Cue scene right after Pippin blacks out and remembers no more.

A Voice: Psst. Psssssst.

Pippin: Huh?

A Voice: It’s me…the troll.

Pippin: (blinks) Didn’t I kill you?

Troll: No, but if you keep swinging that sword around like that, the draft might give me a cold.

Pippin: Well, I must have knocked you down, because you’re on top of me.

Troll: That’s just for appearances, mate. I’m playin’ dead so’s I can sneak off an’ meet me girl. I couldn’t figure out a way to do it, until I saw you down here yellin’ somethin’ about dying and glory an’ all, so I saw me chance. Just keep still now.

Pippin: Well, you could at least get off me-you weigh twenty stone if you weigh an ounce. (sighs) Nuts. I finally get my moment of glory and I get a troll playing dead.

Troll: Tell me about it, mate. Me mates all call me a mama’s boy. Just because my warg had trainin’ wheels…

Pippin: Nothing ever works out right for me. Merry got to go with Aragorn, I got stuck with Gandalf the Grouch. Merry got Theoden, I get Denethor, the Pyromaniac Whack Job. Merry gets to hang out in the Houses of Healing with Faramir and Eowyn, and here I lay under a troll whose warg has training wheels. Nothing ever goes right for me.

Troll: Where’s me violin?

Pippin: I need a hug.

Troll: Don’t look at me.

Pippin: (frantic) Oh, no, here comes my friend Gimli the Dwarf! Quick, make like you’re dead! If they find out the truth, I’ll never hear the end of it!

Troll: Okey-dokey.

(flops across Pippin, who puts a pained look on his face and closes his eyes.)

Gimli: Oh, no, Leggy, look at poor Pippin. Do you think he’s dead?

Legolas: Originally he was supposed to be, but Professor Tolkien changed it. Why, I don’t know…

Gimli: Should we rescue him?

Leggy: Why not. They might need help waiting tables at the victory banquet, but if he’s going to tend bar too he’ll need two weeks of training.

Gimli: All right, Pippin, let’s go, lad, You’ve had enough fun for one day. Stop messing around and let’s go.

Pippin: I hate my life.