Interview with Shelob
Hello, this Kimby, with all the news that is
the news reporting live from the lair of Shelob, daughter of Ungoliant,
who’s asked for this interview to prove to the world that she’s been
grossly misjudged in Tolkien’s works.
(camera pans in on Shelob, who’s sitting on a
tuffet, with a huge Band-Aid on her belly, a patch over one of her many
eyes, and a copy of Better Lairs and Corridors open on the table beside
her. She waves with her seventh leg, which is just a stump.)
Shelob: Do I look misjudged and pathetic enough?
Kimby: Well, you have part of it right. Now then, Shelob…
Shelob: That’s MIZ Shelob to you.
Kimby: (sighs) MIZ Shelob, then. Why don’t you tell our viewers why you feel you’ve been misjudged in Tolkien’s works.
Shelob: Well, first of all, there’s the very
unflattering description of my lair. It wasn’t MY fault that Sam and
Frodo came in the week my housekeeper was on vacation. I can only do so
much by myself, you know. I’ve been around since the Second Age, and my
joints aren’t what they used to be.
Kimby: But what about the “fetid smell”? How can your lair smell that bad if you have a housekeeper in every week?
Shelob: Do YOU have teenagers?
Shelob: (whining) And then there’s all those
descriptions of how big my bum is. See how good your figure is after
all those kids! I signed up for the Pilates class in Barad-Dur but the
walk tired me out so much I had to eat the teacher for sustenance after
I got there.
But I’m happy to report that after that
initial liposuction treatment that Sam Gamgee performed on me, I’ve
gotten my thorax whittled down to the size it was when I married my
Kimby: This is all fascinating, Miz Shelob,
but you still haven’t answered my question about how unfairly you were
treated in Tolkien’s works.
Shelob: (throws up her seven and a half legs
in disgust) Well, all I did was do my spider thing and capture my prey!
Did Charlotte get yelled at for eating flies in Charlotte’s Web? Oh,
no! And then to top it off, my teenaged daughter screamed at me,
“Mooooooooooooooom, I can’t believe you bit Elijah Wood!” then she
stormed off into her corner of the web and hasn’t talked to me since.
And after I used those wandering female trees to panel her bedroom,
this is the thanks that I get.
Kimby: Um, Miz Shelob, does that mean you know what happened to the Entwives?
Shelob: (looks uncomfortable) Ah, well, um, our time’s up! I, um, have some cookies in the oven.
Kimby: I think Treebeard would like a word with you.
Shelob: I’m not bad! I’m just WRITTEN that way! Maybe Tolkien had arachnophobia.
Kimby: In your dreams. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, this has been Kimby live from Shelob’s lair…
Shelob: Not for long.