Pippin vs. The Mushroom

by Auntkimby

Pippin vs. The Mushroom: The First Day in Therapy


Recap: Three weeks ago board time, ten minutes ago vignette time, Pippin Took entered the Fungaway program to help him cure his fanatical desire for mushrooms because it was swiftly overtaking his life. He swore the sacred oath “No more fungus among us!” and has left the meeting full of renewed purpose and hope.

Narrator: Ten-oh-five A-M.

(Pippin is skippin’ down the street, happy and joyful, with the Monkee’s “Daydream Believer” playing in the background)

Pippin: I am full of renewed purpose and hope! I feel like I really, really can beat this desire for mushrooms! I will go share my joy with my best friend and cousin, Merry Brandybuck!

Narrator: Isn’t that the same cousin you tried to eat last week?

Pippin: Well, yes, but Merry is my very bestest friend! I am sure he understood! (keeps on skippin’ along)

Narrator: Ten-oh-five A.M. – the next day.

(Pippin is walking much more slowly, panting for breath, and the music is now “So Far Away” by Rod Stewart.)

Pippin: I know, I know, I’m not there yet! Don’t forget, folks, it’s about 80 miles from Tuckborough to Buckland! I’m moving just as lickety-darn-split as I can!!!

Finally Pippin reaches Brandy Hall.

Narrator: Eleven-oh-oh, A.M.

Pippin: (glancing up suspiciously) Why do I keep hearing voices?

Narrator: Wasn’t me.

Pippin: At last, I am here, and I have not touched a single mushroom in twenty-four hours and I’m here just in time for elevenses! And oh, joy and happiness, there is my cousin Merry! I know he will be very happy to see me and hear my news! And I know he will have forgotten all about what happened last week!

(Merry Brandybuck is sitting on a chair, with his right hand in a sling, reading a book titled Three Hundred Sixty-Five Days and Ways to Plot Revenge Against Extremely Annoying Younger Cousins.)

Pippin: Or not.

Merry: (jumps up) Oh, no, back, back!!!! I’m not a mushroom, I’m not a mushroom!

Pippin: (holds up hands) Fear not, dear cousin, for I have joined the Fungaway program, and am now fully prepared to defeat the Dark Mushrooms of Defeat and Despair! But I cannot do it alone, and I have come to enlist your help!

Merry: Why me? Am I the only relative you have? Can’t you get Frodo to do it?

Pippin: (shakes head) No, he and Bilbo and Gollum and Galadriel are at their Ring Addicts Anonymous meeting. So that leaves you, Merry!

Merry: Tee-riffic. I don’t know about this, Pippin…

Pippin: (puts his head on Merry’s shoulder and bats his eyelashes) Aw, c’mon. How can you look at this face and say no?

Merry: Like this. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Pippin: I’m doing the lip!

Merry: Oh, no, not the lip.

Pippin: (does the lip, throws in puppy face for good measure)

Merry: Oh, all right! All Right! I’ll do it! But I’m telling you, Pippin, just one chomp and that’s it!!!

Pippin:Oh, Merry, you’re the best! Thank you!

(James Taylor’s “You’ve Got A Friend” starts to play, and both Merry and Pippin look up into the sky.)

Merry: Where’s that coming from?

Pippin: Beats me.

Narrator: Will Pippin survive his second full day without mushrooms? Will Merry be able to keep all his limbs? Tune in next time to find out!!!