The Mouth makes his Entrance

by Auntkimby

For several hours, the Mouth of Sauron had been planning his Big Entrance. He had to look just as incredibly scary as possible, in order to strike fear into the heart of the Man of Numenor, or at least cause some serious fingernail-chewing. After trying on and rejecting several costumes, including his Black Bart hat and Captain Barbossa chapeau, he decided on his Everyday Former King suit and sat waiting on his horse as the door swung open.

Aragorn: Oh great. Along with everything else, we get a walking Crest Whitestrips commercial.

The Mouth’s mouth drooped.

Mouth: I get no respect. Every time I ride out to deliver a message, Sauron tells me to call if anything goes right.

Pippin: (holding out a tiny green plastic packet) Here, have some Listerine breath strips. I can smell you from all the way over here.

Merry: Hey, great joke teeth! Where did you find those?

Mouth: Uh…

Legolas: I have some Mirkwood Lip Balm that will work nicely on those badly chapped lips.

Mouth (loudly) Will you all let me deliver my message?

Aragorn (wearily) Shoot. Talk. Drool. Whatever.

Mouth: (clearing his throat) Avast, ye scurvy dogs, you cannot board the ship.

(from the glowing eye in the background) Not that message, you moron!

Mouth: Well, I don’t know what you need me for, anyway. You’ve been talking through all three movies.

Gandalf: Will you just get on with it? We have to rescue Frodo…oops.

Pippin: And he yells at ME all the time for giving us away. Sheesh.

Sauron: I already know about Frodo. He gave himself away at Osgoliath in the second movie, remember? I’m just having a serious case of Stupid right now, I get one once in a while.

Mouth (loudly) I remember the message now, boss! (bares ugly teeth) You cannot pass!

Gandalf: That’s MY line!

Aragorn: I’m tired of this. Besides, it’s time I got to use that cool Indiana Jones deals-with-a-bad-guy move, only with a sword instead of a gun.


Sauron: Gee, why didn’t I think of that? Thanks, man! Now prepare to be…HEY! Come back here!

Mouth’s head: I get no respect.