Freaky First of Summerfilth
Freaky First of Summerfilth: Tom Bombadil and Elrond Halfelven in the Ol’ Switcheroo
I meant to post this on Tom/Elrond Day;
however, after surveying the solemn and reverent entries others
produced, I chickened out. Upon reflection, I thought, why not.
Besides, with everyone crying over the trailer, I figured you all could
use a bit of cheering up.
In the movie Freaky Friday, mother and
daughter switch bodies for a day after eating a magic fortune cookie
(so I’ve heard). So, I got an idea about a magic lembas, and well,
you’ll see what I mean.
SCENE: The new House o’ Easterling Cuisine.
PLAYERS: Tom Bombadil and Elrond Halfelven.
ELROND: Let’s try this place for dinner.
Arwen has burned dinner three times this week and I’m so hungry my
stomach is wrapped around my backbone.
TOM: House o’ Easterling Cuisine. I hope it’s not too spicy. Spicy food makes me burp.
ELROND: Well, it can’t be any worse than Arwen’s cooking. The twins have the local takeaway on speed dial.
(Elrond and Tom are met by a helmeted Easterling in a waiter's uniform)
EASTERLING: Welcome to the House of Easterling, where your food is served in thirty minutes or it’s cold. Please walk this way.
(The Easterling bows and gestures grandly
toward the dining room. Tom and Elrond shrug, and then bow and gesture
grandly the whole way into the dining room.)
TOM: (studies menu) What’s Pickled Watcher?
ELROND: (glances at it) I don’t know. It’s
imported from Moria, I hear. I’ve never had it. This Szechuan style
balrog sounds pretty good, though. I haven’t had that since I was a
mere lad of fifteen hundred years.
TOM: (dramatically) Dilly dilly dol, I’d give you my hat for an quail-egg roll.
ELROND: If you did, I’d take out back and burn it. I hate that hat.
TOM: You’re just jealous because you don’t
have one. And with that receding hairline, a hat might not be a bad
idea. I told you you’d been wearing that headpiece too tight, but would
you listen to me? No.
EASTERLING: May I take your orders, gentleelf and gentle…whatever you are?
ELROND: (snickers) I’ll have the Szechuan style balrog, please, with a side of sushi.
TOM: (sings) Dilly dilly dee, by Goldberry’s knobby knees, I shall have please, the Union of Land and Sea.
ELROND: By the receding of my hair, if I hear one more rhyme, I’ll roar like a bear.
TOM: (points) HA! I’ll have you converted yet!
ELROND: Why do you have to be so eternally cheerful?
TOM: Why do you have to be so eternally sour? If you ever smiled, your face would crack like plaster!
(fast forward to the end of the meal)
EASTERLING: I hope your meals were satisfactory?
ELROND: Quite good, but I’ll need a takeaway box because I didn’t expect to be served the entire balrog.
EASTERLING: Of course sir. And while I wrap this up for you, may I present you with a complimentary fortune lembas?
ELROND: How did you get lembas, might I ask?
EASTERLING: Ebay- from a seller called TWIN_ELF1.
ELROND: (groans) I am really going to have to
talk to Ellodan when I get home. Last month he sold timeshares in
Mirkwood- seventy of Thranduil’s people were temporarily homeless.
TOM: There’s only one. How about we each take half and break it?
ELROND: Don’t you only do that with wishbones?
TOM: Oh, come on, Sour Power!
ELROND and TOM each take half and break the
lembas in two. Suddenly there’s a clap of thunder, the scene gets all
shimmery, and then Elrond and Tom stare at each other in a daze.
TOM: (with Elrond’s voice) What in Elbereth’s name just happened?
ELROND: (with Tom’s voice) Dilly dilly whinny, after seven centuries I’m finally skinny!
TOM and ELROND stare at each other
ELROND/TOM and TOM/ELROND: NOOOOOOO!
EASTERLING: (hurries over) Is there a problem?
TOM/ELROND: I’ll say, you incompetent twit!
That-that LEMBAS caused us to switch bodies and now I’m a rotund
ELROND/TOM: Well, how do you think I feel?
This outfit is so monumentally dowdy that Gwahir wouldn’t even line his
nest with it! And this face- the skin is so tight it’s a wonder I don’t
see through my nostrils! And speaking of nostrils…this schnoz is longer
than the Brandywine.
EASTERLING: (distressed) Oh, sirs, I am so
sorry! We were sent a work-study student from a school of magic
somewhere- a Harry-something-or-other-and he accidentally put a
switching spell on the batter instead of a mixing spell. He says it
should wear off in twenty-four hours.
TOM/ELROND bursts into a litany of profanities in Sindarin and Quenya.
ELROND/TOM: Dilly dilly neigh, we get to be each other for a day!
TOM/ELROND: Pardon me while I say a quiet goodbye to my dignity.
LATER THAT EVENING, IN THE HOUSE OF ELROND.
Arwen: Oh, dang, I burned the apple crisp again.
Ellodan: And you wonder why Estel keeps delaying the wedding? Roots and berries taste better than your cooking.
(Elrohir laughs and high-fives his brother) BUST!!!
Arwen: Don’t you two have some adventuring to do or something? You’ve been around way too much lately.
Ellodan: (peers out window) Hey look, Dad’s coming home. (peers again and frowns) Why is he skipping?
Elorohir and Arwen: Huh?
(all run to the window and stare)
Ellodan: (wide eyed) He’s SINGING.
Elrohir: Elves are always singing.
Ellodan: Yeah, but listen!
Oh, sweet is the aroma of a pie in baking
Oh, large are the pieces I plan on taking,
Unless the Evenstar burned it to a crisp once again,
I guess we have to order out takeaway then.
Dilly dilly dol- what a great song I’m creating-
Must hurry home, for my children are waiting!
Arwen, Ellodan and Elrohir stare at each other and swallow nervously.
Ellodan: This is bad. This is very, very bad.
Elrohir: I hope Dad wasn’t messing around with Grandma’s mirror again and saw something that fried his brain.
(door flies open)
ELROND/TOM: Dilly dilly widdies, how are my darling kiddies?
(Arwen and the twins cling to each other in terror and scream)
Meanwhile, at the House of Bombadil…
GOLDBERRY: Oh, I must hurry, for soon my
darling Tom will be home and I must have everything ready! I should be
hearing his sweet voice singing soon.
(door bangs open)
TOM/ELROND: (glumly) I’m home.
Goldberry sweeps into the room strewing flower petals everywhere.
GOLDBERRY: My dearest Tom, it is I, Goldberry River-Daughter, who greets you this evening!
TOM/ELROND: Do you have to introduce yourself again every time I come in? That gets really annoying.
GOLDBERRY: Is my darling sad this evening? Allow me to light happy candles and sprinkle you with the nectar of sweetness.
TOM/ELROND: Did you forget your medication?
GOLDBERRY: Of course not, my darling! The mere sight of you makes my river heart go pitter-patter-pumpernickel!
Goldberry glides over and pinches Tom/Elrond’s cheeks.
GOLDBERRY: Come now, dearest, a little smile for your Goldberry.
TOM/ELROND’s mouth jerks spasmodically.
TOM/ELROND: I feel like I’m having a stroke.
GOLDBERRY: Your aura is very dark this evening, dear Tom. I sense you are sad and depressed.
TOM/ELROND: You don’t know the half of it, lady.
GOLDBERRY: I know just the thing to cheer you up. (smiles sweetly)
TOM/ELROND: Hmm, maybe things are looking up.
Goldberry draws him into the next room.
GOLDBERRY: I’ve made your favorite! Orange-flavored fish cakes!!!
TOM/ELROND: (screams in terror and shrinks into the corner)