Cymberlie Undumbiel: A Mary Sue for the Ages

by Auntkimby

Cymberlie Undumbiel was the fairest of the elf-maidens, blessed with looks so wondrous that even Luthien would have looked a baked squash beside her. Hair as fiery and red as molten lava cascaded down Cymberlie’s back, and it never knotted, flattened, or split-ended. Her voice was so sweet and melodious that the birds stopped in mid-air to listen- and tragically crashed into each other and tree tops as a result. The other Elves were constantly complaining of having to sweep the stricken birds out of their flets every time Cymberlie visited the Dell. Her one flaw was that Cymberlie was not a good cook- the flies chipped in to fix the screen door of her kitchen. The Elf princes who courted her cared naught for her cooking skills: “We will eat stale lembas if it means we can but gaze upon thine milky-skinned, blemish-free beauty, oh Cymberlie Undumbiel of the Dell!”

She possessed the amazing powers of brewing a perfect cup of coffee and causing the last person who emptied the pot to automatically start another; the power to eat a slice of cheesecake so huge it was brought to her table via forklift and she never gained an ounce; all her clothes were “travel ready” and matched her shoes and handbag exactly.

In all of Middle-earth, there was none so fair as Cymberlie Undumbiel- until the fateful night that an insanely jealous Arwen Undumiel slipped a mickey into her athelas tea, bound and gagged her, and sent her off on the next white ship to Valinor so that she would have no competition.

And so Cymberlie Undumbiel spent the rest of eternity singing and causing birds to crash into the Two Trees of Valinor- at least until Bilbo Baggins showed up and bored the birds into doing the same thing with his poems.