The Bluest Eyes
....or, another theory on how Sam got
Sam woke groggily, dimly aware of his master’s voice, and struggled to
sit up, having been deeply asleep for the first time in days.
“You do not have it, Gollum!” he heard Frodo say angrily.
“I has it, preciousssss, I has it!” Gollum retorted with evil glee,
“and you cants have it!”
Thinking that Gollum had somehow managed to steal the Ring from Frodo,
Sam leaped to his feet and ran over to them, his hand grasping his
He stopped short, confused, when he saw the Ring glinting around his
master’s neck. “What has he got?” he asked his master.
Gollum capered up to him and took Sam’s sleeve imploringly, and Sam
jerked away with annoyance. “Oy, what are you doing?”
“You decide, nice hobbit,” Gollum crooned. “You decides for us.”
“Decide what?” Sam asked, baffled, looking from his master to the
“Who has the biggest bluest eyes,” Frodo answered, his arms folded.
Gollum pulled Sam’s head down and stared at him, nose to nose, batting
his eyelids. “See, mine are like nice deep blue pools, isn’t they,
precious? And mine are so much bigger, so much prettier than master’s.”
“No, mine are!” Frodo shouted, pushing Gollum aside and taking Sam by
the collar only slightly less chokingly than Gollum had. “My eyes get
more screen time than the rest of me does! Mine are definitely bluer
and bigger, and certainly more soulful!”
“Well, um, uh…” Sam stammered, wondering if he was in some sort of very
Gollum oozed up alongside him. “If you picks me, preciousss,” he
purred, “I’ll find you nice plump rabbitses…and you can cooks them any
way you likes them. And,’ he added eagerly, “I’ll call you…BUFF hobbit,
instead of fat hobbit, for the rest of the time. How’s that?”
Sam’s eyes brightened, and he looked at Frodo.
“I promise that I will pay you your salary when we get home…but only
if,” he said sweetly.
Sam stared at him. “You haven’t paid me since July of 1414. You keep
telling me your new cheques haven’t arrived yet, or you’re still payin’
off the caterers from the Birthday Party, or…”
“Ha! Master deceived you!” Gollum clapped and capered about happily. “I
promise rabbitses and compliments, he promises back pay! I have the
bluest eyeses, I have the bluest eyeses…”
“All right, all right!” Frodo said desperately. “If you pick me, I
promise to make you my heir and give you Bag End!”
Gollum stopped in mid-caper.
Sam looked at him, eyebrows raised.
“I foldses,” Gollum whimpered, and slunk away, muttering under his
breath. As Sam smilingly held out his hand for Frodo’s IOU, a large
fish sailed right for him and smacked him in the back of the head.
“Fat hobbit!” Gollum yelled from a safe distance away.