(lights, canned radio talk show music, clapping)
Ariel: Hello, this is Ariel, the Middle Earth Love Mistress, here to help you solve all your romantic dilemmas, real and imagined! Today my guest is... Arwen Evenstar!
Arwen: Hello, Ariel?
Ariel: Yes, Arwen dear, I'm here. What is your love dilemma?
Arwen: Well, Ariel, I am in love with a human. Well, he's a human with an extended warranty, because he's really quite old but still in mint condition, but my father does not think that I should forsake my immortality and marry him. I love him, even though he doesn't bathe frequently, and spends most of his time with four hobbits, a dwarf and an elf, but my dad just doesn't understand! What should I do?
Ariel: Well, Arwen, that does sound like a problem. What have you been doing about it so far?
Arwen: Well so far I have stood around looking pretty, with tears coming and going at intervals down my cheeks and wind blowing through my hair, and occupying valuable screen time by invading my beloved's dreams and exchanging long, goopy kisses that made the author of this piece slightly ill.
Ariel: (patiently) No, Arwen dear, what are you doing about convincing your father that this romance was meant to be?
Arwen: That's the hard part, Ariel! My father just doesn't understand! He made me see this whole scenario in which my true love eventually dies and I wander around in a daze for the rest of my immortal life...though there are some that say that sums up my performance in both the movies so far...
Ariel: Well, Arwen, I would say you definitely have a dilemma on your hands. You must choose between a life in Valinor and live as the most desirable, beautiful, single Elven princess ever, or forsake your home and family, take up with the unwashed human, and spend the rest of your long, long, long long life alone...
Arwen: (suspiciously) Have you been talking to my father?
Ariel: No dear. But I think that true love is the most important thing, and that you must follow your heart. Just what does this human look like?
Arwen: (dreamy sigh) He's often told he strongly resembles the actor Viggo Mortenson.
(phone drops, and Arwen hears Ariel scream, "Viggoooooooooooo Mortensonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn????? You'll have to fight me for him first!)
(sound of running feet, door opening and slamming shut)
Arwen: (sighs) I'd forgotten. My greatest problem is all of his fangirls.
Why must I be an elf maiden in love?