Tales of the Pants!  2

By various, collected by Primula

To Aragorn I was bidden to say this:

Where now are thy pants, Elessar, Elessar?
Why does thy laundry flutter afar?
Near is the hour when the wash should come forth,
And the Grey grunginess bleached from the North.
But dark are the stains appearing on knee:
The Dead wash their pants with soap by the Sea.
- Primula

Galadrags Lament

Ah! Like flags fall the pants in the wind
Long pants beltless like the drawers of kids.
The pants are creeping like the silky knickers of cotton, such as we wore beneath the blue jeans of the West, lest we tremble in the icy wind of November.

Who now will lend me their suspenders?

For Vardenim, queen of the Cordoroy, has uplifted her arms and foreshortened her pantlegs, showing all the lads her ankles, and now all the guys are blushing and giggling, and she is embarassed.

Now lost, lost is the button on the waistband and we have no safety pins.

Farewell! Maybe thou shalt find stretchpants. Maybe even thou shall fit inside them. Farewell!
- Lothithil

"Men of Gondor, the pantsmasters tell that it was the custom for old that the king should receive the pants from his father ere he died; or if that might not be, that he should go alone and take the pants from the hands of his father in the tomb where he was laid. But since things must now be done otherwise, using the trousers of the Steward, I have today brought hither from Pants Dinen the pants of Earnur the last king, whose days passed in the time of our longpantsfathers of old."

Then the guards stepped forward and Faramir opened the suitcase and he held up an ancient pair of knickerbockers. They were styled like the pants of the Guards of the Citadel, save that they were larger in the waist and the buttons were of silver, embossed with the likeness of a seabird, the emblem of the kings who came over the Sea. The seven buttons closed the fly and at the waistband was a gold button set with a single jewel, the light of which would light up the dressing room at night.

Then Aragorn took the pants and held them up and said:

Et colostabalat utulien. Sinome maruvan ar lanne tenn' Amber-metta!

And those were the words that Elendil spoke when he came up out of the darkened room on the wings of the wind: "Out of the cloak closet to Middle-earth I am come. In this place will I abide, and my cloth, unto the ending of the world."

Then to the wonder of many Aragorn did not put the pants upon his legs, but gave them back to Faramir, and said....They're a bit on the large side, Faramir, buddy. Take them in a couple of inches in the waist, would ya?

**My elvish stinks, but I did try to find some 'appropriate' substitutions. colostabat could be interprested as cloak closet and lanne with an umlaut over the e means cloth.
- Lindorie

Cold be knees and hips and bones
and cold it be to sit on stone
when pants are damp from mist and rain
I shiver and teeth chatter once again.
No dry pants in my pack have I
The pack is soaked, no pants are dry
To a warm inn at last we come
And dry warm pants will toast my bum.


Sing hey! for the wash on laundry day
that washes the mud from my pants away
Hot water, soap my jeans will clean
and round the tub shall make a ring.

Oh sweet the washboard sound to hear
of pants being scrubbed, too hard, I fear
The stains are gone, and too the pants
And so I hide behind the plants.

I stitch and sew a patch with care
to hide the hole, my bottom bares.
"My jeans are healed," with pride, I said
And show my pants' new patch of red.

- Lindorie
"Do not meddle with the pants of wizards, for they are smelly, and quick to tear."

"But it is also said, go not to the elves for pants, for their fashion sense is sadly lacking."
- Evermind

Merry and Pippin in Isengard:

"Look! I don't believe it! Longbottom Pants, the best in the Shire. Mmmm..."
"It's perfect. One pair for each of us!"
"Do you think we should share our pants with Treebeard?"
"Treebeard? No! They're all-natural fiber blend. Might be made from a distant relative."

Theoden riding along the front of the Rohirrim as they prepare to charge:

"Pants! Pants! Paaants!"

Rohirrim: Paaaaants!
Durnhelm: Paaaants!
Merry: Paaaants!
- Primula

"I sang of pants, of pants of gold,
And pants of gold were sewn.
I wore them in Lothlorien,
Where pants are seldom known.

Beneath my pants, beneath their seat,
Are perils dire indeed.
I'm only glad I found a pair,
Cause pants I really need!"
- Evermind

I see in your pants the same fear that could take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of pants fails. When we forsake our pants and break all bonds of fellowship.But it is not this day this day we wear pants!
- Onca Icatra

"For one thing" said Théoden "I had not heard that they spouted smoke from their pants."  - Primula

The Pants of the Troll, a cautionary tale

Troll sat alone wearing pants of stone
He became aware of a tear where his seat was sewn
That's a bit of a shock when your pants are rock
You shouldn't have to mend 'em
Rend 'em! Bend 'em!
He had no tacks to mend his slacks
Nor anywhere to send 'em

Up came Tom with his blue pants on
Said he to Troll "Pray, what's going on?
For it looks your jeans are parting at the seams
And that the damage might be recent."
He sent! We sent!
"You better get some grout before your bottom falls out
And you are arrested for exposure indecent!"

Said Troll to the Man, "Help me if you can,
Before my dungerees are reduced to sand
And my hiney shows. I have no other clothes
Except a woolen kilt that itches."
Stitches! Hitches!
"This is the last time I spend a dime
Buying after-market britches!"

Said Tom to Troll, "O bless my soul!
I have no skill to mend this hole.
My cousin Jason is a rather good mason
He can reconstruct your back seat"
Whack seat! Lack seat!
"In the bushes hide to preserve your pride
While he fills your pants with concrete!"

So Troll, he steps behind a tree
To try to save his modesty
"Please hurry back, for I'm feeling the lack!"
Said he, handing Tom his trousers
Wowsers! Yowsers!
"I'm trusting that you will make them new;
That's my only pair of trousers!"

"Yes!" Tom said, and away he sped
but once far away laughed off his head
Without a glance he threw away Troll's pants
And went on his merry way
Hey! Say!
He did not fear that Troll would hear
nor come after him someday

Years went past and still Tom laughed
When he thought about his wiley craft
How he tricked a Troll and his pants stole
He'd tell anyone who'd listen
Hissin'! Missin'!
From moor to coast, he'd often boast
To anyone who'd listen

So it was no surprise when Tom was advised
that an angry Troll of surpassing size
Was looking for him, his expression grim
Wearing pants made out of a bush!
A push! A whoosh!
Tom ran away, but Troll caught him the next day
And spanked him on the tush!
 - Lothithil

Sing now, ye people of the tailors of Arnor,
for the pants of Sauron are rended for ever,
and the Dark Zipper is pulled down.

Sing and rejoice, ye people of the Tailor of Guard,
for your seam-ripping hath not been in vain,
and the Black Pants are rended,
and your King hath giv'n Sauron a wedgie,
though he is yet clothed.

Sing and be glad, all ye tailors of the West,
for your King shall wear pants,
and he shall keep you stitching
all the days of your life.

And the Suspenders that were withered shall be renewed,
and he shall hoist them to the high places,
for their elastic shall be blessed.

Sing all ye tailors!

- Primula

"Twitchin'?! He was twitchin' because he's got my axe embedded in his pants!"

"My men tell me you have pants."
"Pants! Now wait just a minute...!"
"Well, if you don't have pants, what have you? Speak!"
"My name is Frodo Baggins of the Shire, and this is Samwise Gamgee."
"Your trouser salesman?"
"His tailor."

Aragorn: "You have my sword."
Legolas: "And my bow."
Gimli: "And my pants!"


"I feel thin; like spandex stretched over too much skin." - Elenna

In western lands beneath the Sun
the pants are worn in Spring
the cuffs may turn, the zippers run,
the merry tailor sing.
Or there maybe 'tis a dancing night
and swaying breeches wound
their Elven-belts round paunches wide,
amid their fat-rolls found.

In the Shire:

'Who's that? Be off! You can't come in. Can't you read the notice:No admittance without pants?'

'Of course we can't read the notice in the dark,' Sam shouted back, 'And if hobbits without pants are to be kept out in the wet on a night like this, I'll tear off your pants when I find them!'

- Primula

"And what about your companions? What about Legolas and me?" cried Gimli, unable to contain himself longer. "You rascals, you woolly footed and wool panted truants! Two hundred leagues , through malls and parking lots, battling crazed shoppers over the last pair of pants just to clothe you two! And here we find you measuring and cutting -- and sewing! Sewing! Where did you come by that fabic, you villians? Pins and needles! I am so torn between rage and joy, that if I do not burst ,it will be a marvel!"

"You speak for me , Gimli," laughed Legolas. "Though I would sooner learn how they came by the patterns for their pants."
- Dinledhwen

All that is blue is not denim,
Not all pants of denim are jeans;
The jeans made by Levis are tougher
with double and triple stitched seams.

From the worn out pants we will make handbags
or skirts trimmed with fabric and lace
Embroidered with daisies and peace signs
Recycled pants too have their place.

A Hobbit's Song of Pants

Farewell we call, tho pants may fall
We'll buy some more at the Moria mall!
We must away, though blue jeans fray
Tripping over wood and mountain tall

To Rivendell where Elves yet dwell
Wearing flairs with bottoms like a bell
And spandex laced as tight as paste
In colours that make eyeballs rebel!

We'll take a chance, we'll take a stance
Beneath the sky we'll wear our pants
'Til in the end our pants must mend
From holes made in by dart or lance

We must away! We must away!
Before britches fade from blue to grey!
 - Lothithil

Legolas's Response

I hope you don't lump me in
With the elves of Rivendell
For I wouldn't be caught wearin
Flairs with bottoms like a bell.

As for spandex that is fine
But those colors I decry
For they're like a neon sign
And make me easier to espy!

Gimli to Eomer: "Give me your pants horsemaster, and I shall give you mine." - Pippin's Sunshine

"It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my pants." - Evermind

"Underpants. My name's Underpants." - Primula

Eówyn to Faramir:
"And would you have your proud folk say of you: 'There goes a lord who tamed wild pants from the North! Where there no pants of the race of Númenor to choose?' " - Lothithil

Aragorn, the chief of the Dúnaduds

All that is cold does not shiver
Not all those who wear pants are boss
I wash all my clothes in the river
And until they dry I wear moss

In the loops a belt shall be braided
Matching my stitched leather vest
Exchanged shall be garb that is faded
The pantless again shall be dressed.
- Lothithil

"I am the Doorward of Theoden," he said. "Hama is my name. Here I must bid you lay aside your pants before you enter."
Then Legolas gave into his hand his silver-grey stretch velvet pants. "Keep these well," he said, "for they come from the Golden Wood and the Lady of Lothlorien gave them to me."
Wonder came into the man's eyes, and he laid the pants hastily by the wall, as if he feared to handle them. "No man will touch them, I promise you," he said.
Aragorn stood a while hesitating. "It is not my will," he said, "to put aside my pants or to deliver them to the hand of any other man."
"Come, come," said Gandalf. "We are all friends here... My errand is pressing. Here at least are *my* pants, goodman Hama... Come, Aragorn!"
Slowly Aragorn unbuckled his belt and himself set his pants upright against the wall.

Just goes to show what several years of Rangering will do to a pair of pants, I guess!
- sarahstitcher