Trailer for the Fellowship of the Sponge

by Goldberry

The trailer opens with beautiful shot of a wizard and a hobbit driving a wagon into StefBaggins' Hobbit Haven together. (The camera view pans closer, and we see that it is Ghostwood the Grey and Goldberry. They are laughing and throwing sponges at each other. Ghostwood's hat seems rather more large and lumpy that we might expect.)

VOICEOVER: "In the lands of Middle-Earth, legend tells of the Dark Lord Soapon, and the Sponge that would give him the power to enslave the world." (We see an army of Orcs marching across the screen, holding aloft a banner with the Great Lidless Foaming Eye.) "It has been sought by many and has now found its way into the hands of the most unlikely person imaginable." (A shot of Goldberry, holding a sponge out at arm's length with distaste; it is dripping wet, and looks a bit grungy.)

Ghostwood the Grey: "The language is that of SpongeBobSquarePants, which I will not repeat here. In the Common tongue, it says:
One Sponge to rule them all
One Sponge to soap them
One Sponge to bring them all
And in the bathtub bind them!"

Goldberry: (resolutely) "What must I do?"

Ghostwood the Grey: (with great dramatic effect) "The Sponge must be destroyed!"

Audience: "Ooooooooooooo!"

(A scene of Bilbo's party: Night. Fireworks are going on. Hobbits are dancing. Skybly is in charge of pouring beer and seems to be very busy. Rosie can be seen dancing happily with Sam's pants. Closer view of the origin of the fireworks: we see that GandalfsApprentice and Black Breathalizer are having a heated debate regarding the quality of hot dogs being served in theatres showing the movie.)

VOICEOVER: "He is seeking it...seeking it always..."

(Switch to a shot of the Nine Nazgul chasing hobbits. We see that the Witch King seems to have the face of David Letterman.)

Merka, to Primula, in the Inn of the Prancing Dragon: "What are they?"

Primula: "They are the Nine Talk Show Hosts That Know Nothing of the Lord of the Rings Movie. They are neither alive nor dead."

(A shot of arwen75,looking beautiful, riding a white horse, carrying a very dazed looking Goldberry, with Nazgul in pursuit)

Arwen75: "I told you you shouldn't have spent so much time online!"

Goldberry: "Mumble mumble...mumble Wood Forever....mumble.." (Then, noticing the Nine Talk Show Hosts, sits up straighter, and brandishes her Latest Top Ten List). "If you want it, Letterman, come and claim it!"

(Now to a view of the council of Dourhand: Elves, Dwarves, Hobbits, and Men sit in a circle, gazing solemnly at the Sponge.)

Daan Dourhand: "The Sponge must be cast back into the fires of Mount Bubbles!" (gasp from the assembled crowd) "...and, er, what's that noise?"

(In the background, we hear the voice of Prince Imrahil, singing something about sequined underwear).

Goldberry: (with irritation) "Oh, for Elbereth's sake, I'll take the darn thing. But I'd much rather be spending my time eating mushy pasta and doing laundry." (We notice that there are a pair of very blue eyes peeking out of her backpack).

Primula: "You have my Lidless, sword!"

TO Elf: "And my Legolas action figure's knives!, my bow."

ValkyrieCrush: "And my axe!" (we notice that she has a tattoo on her forehead reading: "Dude! Where's my Mr. Bubbles?")

Prince Imrahil: "And my endlessly hilarious Queen parodies!"

(merka and StefBaggins rush up) "We're coming too! We're coming too!"

All: "Wooo hooo!" (And there was much rejoicing.)

(A shot of the Fellowship of the Sponge in the hills, the Misty Mountains looming overhead. Prince Imrahil runs lightly ahead, playing a mandolin. We hear the strains of a song floating back: "When danger reared its ugly head, Frodo bravely turned his tail and fled..". It is not yet the dead of winter.)

StefBaggins: (with a dark look at Prince Imrahil) "Merka, I'm hungry!"

Primula: (gravely) "So are all those who live to see such times!"

VOICEOVER: "A Fellowship of not-quite Nine..."

(A shot of all the Fellowship walking over a high pass in the rocks. The music swells to an inspiring blast. First we see Ghostwood the Grey. His hat seems to be bumpier than ever, and wiggling around. As he passes, a hand appears from under the brim. It holds a note: "Please, please, please, please help!" We notice that the slender hand is wearing an Elven Ring of power. Next we see Goldberry, looking grave and serious, with a sponge hanging around her neck. Following are ValkyrieCrush and TO Elf, who are pulling a slender and handsome blonde elf back and forth between them; he appears nervous and well-scrubbed. StefBaggins and merka come next; they have satisfied smiles on their faces, and clean hobbits under each arm. Lastly we see Primula, who is sharpening her sword, and throwing exasperated and amused looks at the rest of the Fellowship.)

VOICEOVER: "The enemy has many spies..."

(The theme for Austin Powers starts up)

VOICEOVER: "..birds...beasts..."

(We see a shot of a flock of birds approaching. They seem to be wearing tie-dye. As they come closer, we can see that they are doing a slightly silly synchronized flying dance in time to the music. A close-up of the lead bird: it smiles evilly, and nibbles on its pinky claw.)

Peter Jackson: "Cut! CUUUUUUUTTT!"

Me: (bashfully) "Sorry, got carried away."

(A scene in Lothlorien. We see Rosie, wearing a beautiful white dress over Sam's pants.)

Rosie: "Even the silliest person can change the course of the Prancing Pony threads."

Goldberry: "Really? You don't say..." (becoming thoughtful)

Rosie: (warningly) "The fate of the Fellowship sits upon the edge of a Legolas action figure knife!" (She brandishes her One Ring of Deletion, and Goldberry gasps in awe).

(A shot of the Fellowship floating down the Anduin. We see a grandiose panning shot of the Argonath: great stone figures of Warbird and Took standing guard, glowing faintly green).

Merka: (gazing upwards) "Dude!"

StefBaggins: "Sweet!"

TO Elf: "Dude!"

Ghostwood the Grey: "Sweet!"

Primula: "It's only a model."

Everone Else: "Shhhhhhh!"

VOICEOVER: "They have many perils yet to face.."

(Flash to a scene in the heart of the Mines of Moria. The Fellowship is fleeing from a huge swarm of Orcs. They are all gibbering in strange and foul voices, and brandishing pirated copies of "The Fellowship of The Ring".)

TO Elf: "Augh! Only the One Ring of Deletion can save us now!" (She pulls out her bow, and knocks down a few orcs with well-aimed shots.)

Goldberry: (admiringly) "Dude!"

(Suddenly there is a huge booming thud, and the Orcs all stop, and drop their pirated videos. Reflected fire begins glowing on the pillars, and the Orcs flee.)

Ghostwood the Grey: "This foe is beyond any of us!"

(The Fellowship of the Sponge begins running, dropping hobbits and elves as they go. Shot of the bridge of Khazad-Dum: we see the group flee over, as Ghostwood turns to face their enemy. The giant flame-engulfed foot of Richard Roeper hoves into view.)

Roeper the Balrog: ""

All except Ghostwood: "Augh! Run away! Run away!"

Ghostwood the Grey: (brandishing his mop, the kind with a sponge head, of course) "I am a servant of the Secret Strange Sect of the Sponge! You...SHALL...NOT...PASS!"

Coming to, hooom, hmmm, probably never, thank Elbereth.

- Thanks to Redbeard for providing the Voice for VOICEOVER. ;)

Trailer for the Fellowship of the Ring: Part the Seconde

First, a black screen and an expectant pause...

VOICEOVER: "This IS the One Sponge. Soapon needs only this cleaning untensil to cover all the lands in a second washing!"

(Shot of a rather bedragged looking sponge. Shot of Soapon, in a snazzy pink suit of armour, threatening the Alliance of Men and Elves.)

Soapon: "Argh....(rubbing eye)...I got Mr. Bubbles in there...again..."
Orc Slave at his side: "Uh...dude?" (poking at armour) "Pink?"
Soapon: (slinging arm around the shoulders of Orc Slave, and dripping soap suds on him) "You see, my little foul orcish friend, it's a useful comedic trick to portray that which we most fear in a nonsensical way, in order to lessen our terror by the use of the ridiculous." (In the distance, a huge army of fluffy pink Orcs hoves into view over the shoulder of Mount Doom).

(Shot of a very small figure, dressed in pink armour, running up to Soapon, arms outstretched.)

Soapon: "Mini-Soapon!"
Mini-Soapon: "Hugggg....hugggggg!" (arms still outstretched)
Soapon: (illustrating his words with silly arm gestures) "I love you! You complete me!" "You.."(pointing).."complete..."(pauses, at a loss, then makes vaguely circular motions)..."me!" (points to self, smiling hugely.)
Mini-Soapon: "Hugggg! Hugggggg!" (leaps up in manner of crazed cave bunny, and attaches himself to Soapon's head like a dimunitive pink version of that thing from 'Alien'.)
Soapon: "Mmmmffff! Rrrrrrg! Aggggggg!" (clawing futilely at Mini-Soapon).
(A shot of Soapon's head exploding, in slow motion. Elves, men, orcs, and smurfs alike are flattened by the blast).

Peter Jackson: "Cut! Cuttttt!"
Me: (whistling innocently) "Silliness? Where?" (looking around with surprise.)

VOICEOVER: "Something draws near...I can feel it!"

(shot of TO Elf, holding a giant cup of latte and looking terribly, terribly alert. The Fellowship of the Sponge is gathered nearby, lounging about on rocks and eating mushroom and plum soup. In the background, we see Mrs. pip sneaking quietly away, with Pippin under her arm. Merka, oblivious to the loss of her hobbit, happily eats soup. ValkyrieCrush is smiling giddily at a battered old dwarf, who is feeding her cake. StefBaggins is munching happily on what appears to be the remains of an unfortunate minstrel. We see DandyB, a little ways away, plying a group of wide-eyed hobbits with too much ale. Strangely, they all seem to be wearing T-shirts that say, "Y2Keg". Primula is killing local plant life by practicing her Lidless Eye look. Ghostwood the Grey does not seem to be amongst the company.)
Sam: (holding out his cup to Dandy) "Er, I think I'll just get another ale..."(looks over bashfully at Rosie, who is dancing to Friday night karioke tunes, and smiling welcomingly at him.)

(A shot of Goldberry, with two pencils up her nose, and green sequined undershorts on her head, wandering about hand-in-hand with a tearful hobbit, and singing "Lament for Ghostwood" rather nasally. The hobbit is trying to free his hand so that he can cover both ears.)

ValkyrieCrush: (irritated) "I TOLD Ghosty not to go to, Mexidor! The last time that happened, he woke up in the dungeons of Soapon, with his robes inside out, and a wicked headache!"
TOElf: "I SAID, something draws near! Are you guys paying any attention at all??" (DandyB pours more ale. Merka files her nails. StefBaggins yawns.
Goldberry sings louder, making her hobbit friend cry louder.)

VOICEOVER: "The servants of Soapon descend upon the Fellowship with the ferocity of shrieking devils!"

(A shot of the Nine Nazgul, riding cows. One cow stops to crop some grass.
The others stare stupidly. The Nazgul kick their sides and curse.)

Cow of the Witch King: "Mooooooooo!"
(Shot of the Fellowship, looking nonplussed. They pause, with spoons halfway to mouths, and stare).
Nazgul #4: (hissing) "Dude! Wrong parody!"
Witch King: (looking embarassed) "Oh, for Soapon's sake! C'mon, boys, get 'em turned around...." (more kicking of cows' sides, and general lack of response from said cows. More 'mooo-ing' ensues.)

VOICEOVER: "Our list of allies grows thin..."

(Shot of Redbeard, clad in shimmering white robes, reading a battered copy of "All You Wanted to Know About the Reproductive Habits of Orcs, But Were Afraid To Ask". Beside him is a an empty fishbowl, turned upside down and painted with swirly blue and black patterns.)

Redbeard: (indignantly) "Hey!" (looking down at robes, wistfully) "I really do make a much better Gandalf..."
(MithrandirCQ strides in, grey robes swirling.)
Redbeard: (even more indignantly) "All right, that really is TOO much!" (RB picks up some moldy seedcakes from a plate at his elbow, and pelts MithrandirCQ with them.)
MithrandirCQ: "Hey! Don't blame me! I just got roped into the part after Ghostwood ran off!" (attemting to duck the rain of seedcakes).
Redbeard: (furiously) "Your mother was a Nagzul, and your father smelt of moldy seekcakes!"
(MithrandirCQ is clipped by a random flying seedcake, and riccochets up onto the roof of Redbeardthanc.)
Redbeard: (rubbing hands with a satisfied smile, and taking up his book again) "Now, don't come back, or I shall taunt you a second time!"

VOICEOVER: "Ever is the Fellowship persued by their enemies!"

(A shot of the Fellowship, now lounging about beneath some giant stone statues of petrified people who tried to invade the chatroom and criticize LOTR.)
Merka: (emphatically, standing, and waving her arms) "We shall not abandon
Merry and Pippin to drooling and swooning! C'mon! Let's go hunt some hobbit thief!"
(muffled voice from StefBaggins' backpack: "I'm here! Helloo? Someone?")
StefBaggins: (smiling like a cat licking cream off its whiskers) "Oh, I think Merry is just fine, thank you very much."

(TO Elf and ValkyrieCrush, oblivious to merka's plea, are having a bathtub paddle fight over an anxious blonde elf. In the background, the battered old dwarf can be seen, chugging pints as fast as DandyB can pour them, and throwing dark looks at the elf.)

(Shot of three Nazgul suddenly appearing out of the foliage. Or is it one Nazgul, with three heads?)

All Nazgul: (in unison, with great malice) "We are the Nazgul who say "SPONGE!"
(Shot of the Fellowship, looking nonplussed.)
Nazgul #2: (hissing) "Dude, wrong parody!"
Nazgul #3: "Shhhhhh! You shall bring us a.....shrubbery!"
Nazgul #4: "No, no! Get them to cut down the tallest tree in the forest with a mushroom!"
(The Fellowship of the Sponge starts packing up their stuff, gathering stray elves and hobbits, dropping Sam's pans and generally making a terrible racket).
Nazgul #3: "Well, if you would brush my teeth once in a while..."
Nazgul #2: "What does that have to do with anything? Quick, chop their heads off!"
Nazgul #4: "No, no, I think they should cut down the tree first!"
(A shot of the Fellowship, wandering off in disgust, as the Nazgul Who Say Sponge continue to argue.)


The audience files back into the theatre after the intermission. Many a relieved smile is seen. The floor of the theatre is littered with empty large Coke containers.)

VOICEOVER: "The pointless adventures of our intrepid company continue..."

Goldberry: (looking around for the source of the nameless voice) "Hey! I resemble that remark!"

VOICEOVER: (sounding weary) "Whatever, let's just get on with it!"
(A scene in Sponge End, Hobbiton. Gandalf and Frodo are sitting at the kithen table. They both look up, startled.)
Frodo: "Dude! You mean I actually get to say something? I was told this was a strictly non-speaking part!" (appearing nervous, and rifling through the script.)
Gandalf: "My dear hobbit, we must do the best we can with the script that is given us. Now, about this ring of yours..."
Me: (hissing) "Sponge, not ring!"
Gandalf: (disgruntled) "Oh, dear, I knew I shouldn't have signed on for this project. Note to self: Ring my agent later. Anyhow, so about this....(rolling eyes).. SPONGE of yours, Frodo...?"
Frodo: (handing over a bedraggled sponge) "Well, it was given to me by Bilbo, who found it in Roeper's cave long ago. Now, Sam uses it to clean his, pans."

(Gandalf takes the sponge and tosses it into the fire. Frodo gasps. A cloud of steam comes from the fireplace, and a strong smell of laundry detergent begins to pervade the room. Gandalf removes the sponge from the fire with tongs).
Gandalf: "Take it, Frodo. It's quite cool!"
Frodo: (getting third degree burns from the sponge) "AUGHH!"

(A helpful Goldberry pops up out of nowhere with a tub of aloe vera and a smile. Seeing Gandalf's glare, her smile fades, and she shrinks back into a corner.)

Frodo: (accusingly, ******* fingers) "Dude! Not cool! In both senses of the word!"
Gandalf: "Sorry! Now, let's see here...there's some writing on the sponge, in flowing letters of dish detergent..." (turning sponge about in his hands).."It says, 'To Soapon, my favorite dirty boy, love ValkyrieCrush'. How sweet!"
Frodo: "Dude!"
Gandalf: "Sweet!"
Goldberry: "Dude!"
Sam: "Sweet!"
Gandalf: (in a thunderous voice) "Confounded Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eavesdropping?"
Sam: (stammering)"Oh, no, sir, I ain't been dropping no eaves! I was just having a smooch with, trimming the grass outside there, if you follow me!"
Rosie: (popping up outside the window and blushing) "Ah, yes, trimming the grass...." (We notice grass clippings in her hair).
Gandalf: (wearily) "I'm going to call my agent before I speak ONE MORE LINE of this nonsense..."(taking cell phone out of the top of his staff.)

VOICEOVER: "Yet another scene in which the Nazgul try and get it together..."

(A shot of the Fellowship, having dinner outside the doors of Moria. Sagegrrl is passing out some of her famous cinammon buns, Primula has baked fresh seedcakes, ValkyrieCrush is rolling out lembas, and TO Elf is frying bacon and mushrooms. A regular feeding frenzy ensues, with plates, hobbits, mugs, and mushrooms flying everywhere.)

Albert Finney: "BUUUUURP!"
Merka: "What's he doing here?"
DandyB: "Who cares? Pass him another ale and let's have seconds!"

(In the background, we see suspicious ripples in the water. A tentacle cautiously sneaks up onto shore and makes off with a few bacon and mushroom sandwiches.)

TO Elf: (twitching) "Anyone have some more latte...hey, what's that?!"

(We see the Nine Nazgul galloping up beside the water. They are wearing flamboyant pink mumus, and brandishing surfboards.)

The Fellowship: "Aughhhhhhhh!" (disorderly panic ensues, with everyone picking up the wrong hobbit or elf and running different directions.)

Nazgul #4: "We finally got it right!"
Nazgul #3: (wistfully) "I still want my shrubbery..."
Nazgul #2: "Oh, shut up! GET THEM!"

(All Nine Nazgul bear down on the panicked Fellowship. TO Elf is trying to string her Legolas' action figure bow, with little success. StefBaggins is crying and clutching her backpack. ValkyrieCrush is throwing lembas. Primula is trying to intimidate the Nazgul using The Lidless Foaming Eye, with little success. DandyB is crying and clutching her pint. Goldberry is crying and clutching her tub of aloe vera gel.)

Merka: "Run away! Run AWAY!"

(Suddenly, a giant tentacle hoves out of the water, and picks up Nagzul #3. Another tentacle appears, holding a fish, and starts slapping Nazgul #3 across the face with it. Similar processes ensue for the remaining Nazgul.)

All Nazgul: (through mouthfuls of fish scales) "Auuuuggggggghhhhh! Run away! Run AWAY!"
Nagzul #3: (crying) "Dude, where's my mommy?"
Fellowship: (rejoicing) "Hooray! Three cheers for Cadsuane, the master lurker, and mortal enemy of the Soapwraiths!!"
(A tentacle waves at the Fellowship, and graciously comes down to recieve foaming pint.)

THE END (for now)