How to Survive Arachnophobia in ROTK
by Gentle Giant
In all honesty, I didn't have quite as much trouble with Shelob's
big-screen debut as I thought I might. Of course, I: a) removed my
glasses -- I'm terribly near sighted and was sitting in the back row;
b) squinted and mostly closed my eyes and otherwise took every action I
could think of that would minimize the clarity and/or the effect those
images of 'Her Ladyship' (Her 'WHAT'???) would have on me without
drawing undue attention to myself; c) kept reminding myself that it's
only a moving picture. . .it's only a moving picture. . .it's only a. .
. .; and d; pretended to be cold and put my long-sleeve jacket back on
-- as well as my gloves and wool cap! -- just as Frodo started entering
the tunnel. (Without taking those safeguards, a stray crumb of tossed
popcorn -- or, for that matter, an unnecessarily heavy piece of dust
floating in the air -- might well have landed amidst the hairs along
the back of my hand or arm or head or neck, and that would have been
ALL it would have taken to make me think something was crawling on me!)
Altogether, I DID see perhaps 20% of its (sorry. . .SHELOB's) screen
debut, SORT OF saw perhaps 40%, and figuratively 'turned away' for the
balance of its (oops. . .did it again. . .HER) 'big moment'!
I don't know how many times I'll go to see TRoTK in theaters -- I only
saw TFoTR in theaters three times, and TTT a total of four (PLEASE
don't kick me out of the Pony for confessing to such a transgression!)
-- but I am thinking I will need to see TRoTK at least EIGHT times
before I will be able to say that I have actually seen the entire movie.
(That's one time per leg. . . .)
(It's funny, though. . .if JRRT had chosen a scorpion as a basis for
this thing -- oops. . .I mean, of course, CHARMING CREATURE -- I
probably would have been able to deal with the images more readily.)
In the meantime, I must say that Shelob is certainly MOST deserving of
an Oscar in the category of "Actress in a Supporting Role who,
additionally, COULD be Supported by 32 roller-skate wheels"!!!!!!!!
By the way. . .just made up a song:
99 big cans of Raid in my lap,
99 cans at my chair. . .
Shake one up and spray it all out
but Shelob remains well in her lair. . . .
98 big cans of Raid in my lap. . . .
I won't bother any of you with the remaining verses.