The Fellowship of the Bun

by Elethril, with Samwise Arandel, Dandy, Primula, Lirien, Lilywillow, Overlithe, Mitheithel StefBaggins, Mr. Baggins, jan-u-wine, Treblemaker, Meadowlark, Joyful, Ivis, Annie Bayley, Orlindall, Lady of the Shire, CedarRapidsBorn, Melkor's Sister, and Lindorie (Collected by Primula)

Galadriel: Much that once was is eaten. For none now live who cook it.

Gollum: My lemonssssss...

Bilbo: No thank you! We don't want any more visitors, glass dishes or succulent relations!

Nazgül: Shire...bagged lunch...

Sam: I take one more mouthful, it would be the fattest I've ever been

Merry: Right. Blackberry Ferry. Marshmallows for me.

Merry: This, my friend, is a mint.

Aragorn: Are you Jell-o? Not Jell-o enough.

Orc #32: What are the orders from the toaster, my lord? What does the pie command?

Sam: Back you devilled eggs!

Frodo: Oh ham!

Saruman: The buffet cart of Saruman is not easily thrown aside.

Sam: Bless you! You're a steak!

Elrond: Fennel? Fennel is weak.

Aragorn: I thought I had strayed into cream.

Arwen: And to that I mold.

Figwit: (nothing; he has his mouth full of cheese sticks)

Frodo: I will take the ring, though I want marmalade.

Pippin: You need beanpoles of intelligence on this sort of fish, mustard...thing.

Legolas: Cranberries from Yumland!

Boromir: It is a strange plate we should suffer so much pear and trout over so small a wing...such a little chicken wing.

Sam: That's a can opener and no mistake.

Legolas: Pork!

Gimli: ARRRGHHH!! Let them come! There is one Dwarf in Moria who still makes bread!

Gandalf: Fly, you gooseberry fools!

Celeborn: Where is the falafel? For I much desire to eat him.

Boromir: White icing of Ecthelion, glimmering like spiked punch and liver.

Galadriel: Will you look into your dinner?

Galadriel: In place of a dark gourd, you will have a COLLARD GREEN!!!

Boromir: We're all glazed, Frodo. To let that glaze drive us to destroy what pudding we have. Don't you see that is unsanitary?

Legolas: The Corn of Gondor!

Sam: We sauté feta, Mr. Frodo. We sauté.

o Boromir: Gondor has no chicken a la king, Gondor needs no chicken a la king.

o Gandalf: Samwise Gamgee, have you been gumdropping?

+ Sam: I ain't been dropping no gum sir, honest! (scrapes gum off shoe)

+ Gandalf: It's a bit late at night for giving me heartburn.

o Butterbur: Evening little master chefs.

+ We've got some nice little shake 'n' bake size rooms available.

o Sam: I won't eat you, Mr. Frodo, I won't eat you.

o Gandalf: To the Fridge of LeftOvers!

o Elrond: Our sauce for spaghetti grows thin!

o Gandalf to moth.. kwkwisgdhewgwahir and can I get fries with that?

+ "Gwanouttahir and get it..."

o Aragorn: The kitchen is no place for a pony Sam.

o Gimli: these pizzas are cheeseless!

o Gandalf: Don't toast me Frodo! Understand, I would butter it good.

o Boromir: What is this new deviled cream pie.

o Bromir: Have you ever been there for the bringing of the crumpets?

+ I have seen the White Tower.. and have tasted it's fine hamburgers.

o Saruman: You have selected the plate of grains.

o Sauron: Build me an omlette!

o Saruman: What will you serve? Lurtz: Saru-mousse.

o Frodo(on the ferry): Can I get a decaf coffee?

o Frodo: Its so light and crispy. Bilbo: it was made by keebler elves you know.

o Sam: let us have it, we heard there's a ham shank Strider: you can't have it little hoggits.

o Elrond: The Ring must be taken into the fires of Mount Doom and flambeed.

o Sam: What are you doing?!? Those ring-dings are still out there!

o Pippin: Is he going for fries???

o Lurtz: Find the Havarti!

+ Find the Half-baked!!!

o Aragorn: Do you know KFC, wings in foil Sam: Wings in foil, aye that's what we need!

o Boromir: The jelly ring is mine! It should be mine!

o Haldir of Lorien: The dwarf eats so loud I'd remind him to close his mouth.

o Aragorn Where are the Ring Dings.........Frodo: Keep them they're stale anyway.

+ Aragorn: I swore not to crush them.........Frodo: You can't keep them for yourself.

o Aragorn: Frodo look...the Golden Arches...

o Aragorn to Frodo: Are you hungry? Not hungry enough. That is no Twinkie you carry!

o Saruman: Do you know how the pork first came into beans?

o Boromir: They have a JELLY roll.

o Sam to Strider: I'll have your porkshanks if you don't want 'em.

o Elrond: This gravy cannot be congealed by the powder off the shelves.

o Aragorn: "Boromir! Give the Twinkies back to Frodo!!!"

o Frodo: It's a griddle! I'm first in line for pancakes.

o Gandalf: Rude little Took, Throw two in next time I'm hungry too.

o Elrond to Frodo: Welcome to Rivendell...May I take your order?

+ What's your special today?

+ Six-piece McLembas

o Frodo: Bake it, Gandalf! Bake it! Gandalf: No, Frodo... Frodo: You must bake it!

+ Eat it......just eat it..

+ Gollum: Entiiiire....Bagfull....

o Frodo: It's a recipe. Stir well, let simmer.

o Frodo: Where were the hot dogs, Gandalf?....Gandalf: the game was delayed.

o Aragorn to Boromir: I will not let the souffle fall.

+ Aragorn:"You cannot feed this to me! "Arwen: "It is mine to give.."(as she gives him a quiche)

+ Arwen: I choose a Marshmallow pie.

o Saruman: A grape Pie, crustless and wreathed in flan.

+ Saruman:"Sauron will FIND the Wing...and EAT the one that's Cwispy Fwied!"

o Boromir: The shards of Ginsu...the blade that cut Sauron's ham...

o Sam; He's got Chives!!!!...Frodo: that's alright, I'm not sharing ..

+ *nibbling cheese* Hmmm. Still sharp!

o Ring (whispering): give it here, give it here, give it here.....

o Boromir: Give them a Mallomar, for palate's sake!

o Gimli at the Council: Well, what are we waiting for! Let's eat!

+ This food cannot be consumed by any stomach that we here possess.

+ it must be taken and pureed only then can it be digested.

+ One of you must stew this.

+ Galadriel: This flask has been given to you. If you cannot stew it, no one will!

+ Galadriel: To be a sous chef is to be alone.

o Aragorn: Long have I desired to look upon the crepes from the creperie. 

o Fry, you fools!!!!

o Gimli: Never toast an Elf!

o Galadriel: To cook it would be an error. Frodo:What you'd eat it raw?

o Aragorn: Eat your peas, Son of Gondor.

o Ring dings for the Elven kings...and maybe a moon pie.

o My Kipper, my King.

o Leaven for the dwarf lords.

o Galadriel: The bagel stands on the edge of a knife.

+ Gandalf: Frodo sautes something. Bilbo: Of course he does; he's a Bagel!

o Merry: It was just a deep dish... a shortcake.

+ Sam: A shortcake for who?

+ Pippin: Mum's Room!

o One pan to fry them.

+ ...and in the darkness bind them, if we have enough eggs.

o Bilbo: "This is a tasty thing... Happy Meal."

+ Light in nutrition and harrrd on bathroom scales.

o Legolas: There is a fried smell in the air.

+ Legolas(passing Fangorn) "Pies! I have never seen such Pies!"

+ Gimli: (to Legolas)"Eat what you like in your fatness,

only let me first get down from this horse!

+ A fowl smell? Who's cooking chicken?

o Aragorn: Do not disturb the watermelon.

+ Frodo: "What's the elvish word for flan?"

+ Gandalf: "Melon."

o Galadriel: Yet, There will be no remains when this company is through.

+ Galadriel: The meal has changed we can boil it in water.

+ Doughnuts: Let not your tarts be bubbled! Dough now with zest, for you are hungry.

+ Galadrial: Would you look into the pudding? Frodo: what flavor will it be?

o Gandalf: Is it stir-fried? Stir-fried steak?

+ One does not simply walk into Mordor! Its black plates are guarded by more than just porks!

+ Boromir: "There is streudel there that is not sweet!"

And the Grape Pie fills every mouthful. It is a broken waistband.

+ Not with 10,000 bakers could you do this...without barley.

o Elrond: There is no steak in the whole of aisle ten.

o Elrond: His steak was burned.

+ or Elrond: "He burned from that pepper long ago."

o Bilbo: The mold goes ever on and on.

+ Gandalf (to Bilbo) "Delicious??? It has been called that before, but not by you!"

+ *licking fingers* What business of yours is it how I eat my own things?

Rewrite of the fireworks scene... my favorite M&P moment from FOTR (StefBaggins)

SCENE: Outdoors

Cart full of cakes and pies and breads and many wonderful eats sits beside a tent. Merry sneaks from behind it and looks around to be sure no one is watching. Merry slaps the side of the tent, then Pippin emerges carrying a large plate. Merry hoists Pippin into the cart, and Pippin starts rummaging for a good pie.

Merry: No! The fig one! The fig one!

Pippin pulls up a beautiful fig pie and puts it on the plate, then Merry covers his tracks behind him as he scampers off behind the tent.

SCENE: In Tent

Merry and Pippin are getting ready to cut the pie. Merry cuts it in half with a large knife.

Merry: It's done.

Pippin hands Merry a plate for his half of the pie.

Merry: Your supposed to stick it in the oven.

Pippin: It was in the oven.

Merry: Preheated!

They scream in terror as the notice the pie is only half-cooked.

+ and: Merry: "That was good." Pippin:"Let's eat another one!"

o Ring Wraith::: Give me the clamthing on the half shell.

+ Arwen: "If you want ham, come and claim ham!" ::holding up large meat cleaver::

+ ...A place of Many Meadings!

+ What grapes are given to me, let them pass to him; let him be spared raisins.

o One more before I go... Pippin: "Baguette? Sure I have a baguette! French baguette!"

+ Legolas: "This is Almaretto, made from Almonds!"

o Gandalf:: He's eating it ,eating it all his drool is dripping on it.

o Bilbo checking his muffins: I only baked half of you as well as I should.

o Legolas: The last mint's for Gandalf...for me, the beef's too near.

o The pineapple-upside-down cake is done precisely when it means to be done!

+ Blizzard! From Dairy Queen!

o Help I can't stop: Gandalf :I am server of the secret fries, wielder of the tray of appetizers.

+ "You shall not pass the drive thru!"

+ Gandalf again: You Shall Not Move. *Places a marshmallow on a stick and hold it up to Balrog.*

+ Mmmm! Toasty! Frodo: "Gandalf! S'moooores!"

o Pippin: Great! Where are we eating?

o Gandalf: "Skittles in the dark..." Frodo: "He's gone for more, hasn't he?"

+ "Ah! Bilbo's Ringding.... he's left you the bag's end." 

o Gandalf-All we have to decide is how to prepare the food that is given us.

o Gimli-Not the Beans!!!! 

+ and no one tosses a donut.

o Bilbo's amended Road poem

The mould goes ever on and on
Out from the fridge where it began.
Now far ahead the mould has gone,
Let others follow it who can!
Let them a fridge new begin,
But I at last with chilly sweet
Will turn towards the frosting bin,
My evening meal and fudge to meet. (Lirien)

o Gandalf: Always remember Frodo-the wing is trying to get back to its WANTS to be eaten!

+ Gandalf: "Stay off the roast." Frodo: "I can cut across casserole easy enough." 

o Saruman: It's a turnover! Face the flour and the bings, or face your own reduction!

o Hobbit Children-Flame-broiled, Gandalf! Flame-broiled!

o Frodo: All right, then, keep your secret recipes.

o Sam to Frodo.....and that's Promise Margarine.

o Bilbo: I want to see mashed potatoes again, Gandalf, mashed potatoes!

+ And then find somewhere quaint where I can be a cook.

o Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins, do mistake me for some cauldron of cheap soups! I am not trying to eat you!

+ I'm trying to Tuna Helper you.

o I know why you seek saucy food; you butter, I see it day by day. Are you sure you do not butter needlessly?

o Saruman: Bring me the Half-and-Half...Out of the fridge and unspoiled.

o Gandalf-I have meals...meals that need making.

o Gandalf-A steak now that only fire can grill.

o Gimili: and they call it a Rind....A RIND.

o Frodo-What are you grilling? Gandalf-Hold out your hand, Frodo...the pan is quite cool!

o the round goes ever ground and ground...down from the cow where it begun...

o Sam-Please Mr Frodo-don't let him bake me into anything...unnatural.

o Gandalf-The enemy has many entrees...birds, it sweetened?

o All that is dough does not fritter, not all that flounder are sauced.

+Gandalf...No?...I have a butter use for you.

o Saruman-You love of the halfling's lettuce leaves has clearly satisfied your stomach. 

o Gandalf-But we still have time..time to curdle salmon, if we bake quickly.

o Gandalf-A pasta-maker is a dangerous tool, Saruman...we do not know who else may be saucing!

o Arwen; What's this a Ranger caught out of his kitchen?

o Sam-I thought I'd sauced you...don't you cleave him, Samwise Gamgee...I don't bean to.

o Boromir: One does not simply walk into the grocery store.

o Frodo-We wish to eat at the Inn...our diets are our own.

o Aragorn-I can avoid taking cream if I wish...but to drink it black entirely, that is a rare gift.

o Sam-D'ya hear that? Red Lobster! We're goin to eat on the half-shells!

o Aragorn: You can no longer wait for the Blizzard, Frodo. Your stomach's grumbling!

o Aragorn-the great Wedding Cake of Amon Sul...we'll eat it here tonight.

o Frodo: I glad your eating with me Sam....and...I don't suppose we'll ever cook for them again.

o Gandalf-There is only one poured in the sink....and he does not share baking powders.

o Saruman-So, you have chosen death by chocolate. 

o Sam, do you know the anise plant? Aye, it's a wheat. It may help to stew the venison.

o Arwen-Frodo? Frodo no! Don't stir in!

o Sam-Mr Frodo's not cooking anything without me. 

o Gandalf: There's thyme if we add it quickly ...Saruman: How much

Thyme do you think we have?

o No indeed it is impossible to separate you, even when one of you is an egg white & the other is not.

o Merry-Hey! We're pudding too! You'll have to boil us both tied up in a sack and drop us! 

o Gandalf-No Gimli, I would not cook in the fires of Moria unless I had no other choice.

o You need cooks of experience with this margarine...butter....oleo.

o Pippin-For the Sugar!

o Gandalf-YOU...SHALL NOT.....PASTUERIZE!!!!!!

o Frodo: I will bake it...I will bake the thing...though I do not have an oven.

o Aragorn-On your sweet, Ham.

o Gimli-Aragorn! These foods are delicious! We should burn macaroni!

o Wine for the mortal men, doomed to dine.

o Galadriel-He has fallen into marshmallow.

o Aragorn : Come Leg of Lamb...Boars Ham...give them sup.

o The breast cuts upon the edge of a knife...stew but a little and it will kale, to the ruin of all.

o The X-Ray shows many meals..meals that are, meals that were.. and some meals that have not yet passed.

o Galadriel-Even the smallest parsnip can change the course of the menu.

o May it be a lime to you in fruit plates..when all other limes go sour. 

o Saruman-What do you serve? Lurtz-SAUSAGES!!!

o Boromir: what is this new devils food cake?

o Aragorn-Let's cook some pork!

o Frodo/Sam-I'm going to marinate provolone...of course you are, and I'm glazing with stew!

o You do not know peaches, you do not know pears, you will taste ham-pressed!

o Frodo: Oh Spam!

3 fried wings for the elven kings, hungring for mars bars,
9 fried wings for mortal men, doomed to fry,
7 for the dwarf lords, in there halls of scones,
1 for the Dark Gourd, who ate down to the bones.
One fried wing to rule them all,
On fried wing to find them,
One fried ring to bring them all,
And in the grease stir fry them,
In the fry pan, where the shadows lie.
All that is green tastes not bitter
Not all kinds of salad are tossed
The jello when set, how it quivers
The fish, kept as fresh as when caught
From containers the dinner's invented
Except from one--what is that thing?
Reheated the leftovers frozen
Unwrapped from the plastic that clings.