The Lord of the Oscars

by Mel Baggins

Presenter: And now, the Oscar for Best Actor goes to...Viggo Mortensen....Elijah Wood...Ian McKellen...Sean Austin...Andy Serkis..Orlando Bloom....John Rys-Davies...Domanic Monaghan...Billy Boyd...AND Craig Parker for The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers? Bu- *presenter drowned out by audience applause*

[Various shots of the actors making their way up to the stage. Viggo gets there first and takes the statuette]

Viggo: I’d like to thank the Acade- *he is interrupted by Ian who yanks the oscar from his hands*

Ian: I cannot begin to say what an honour this is to- *is interrupted by Orlando who takes the award from him*

Orlando: Wow! My first movie and I get an Oscar? This is amazing..*Is cut off by Andy Serkis who snatches the Precious Thing from the other Actor*

Andy: Yesss...Amasssing it isss, Yess....*begins to stroke the statuette* My preciousss...*Elijah jumps up in front of him*

Elijah: NO! It’s mine! I earned it, it’s mine! My Own! *tries to take the award from Andy who recoils and hisses*

Andy: Wicked little acterses, yesss....tries to take award from poor andy..*gollum, gollum*

Elijah: *draws Sting out of nowhere* Release it...or I’ll cut your throat!

Orlando: *produces Galadrhim bow out of nowhere* You would die before your stroke fell!

John: *produces axe out of trousers* Then what are we waiting for? This runt stole the audience attention from the rest of us!

Elijah: Ahh! *hides behind Sean*

Sean: They’re right, y’no, I mean, look at me.. all my performances were overshadowed by your big blue eyes and pouty lower do you think Dom, Billy and I feel about being your indistinguishable backup hobbits?

*Dom and Billy back him up...Dom punching a fist into his hand and Billy brandishing a metal cord*

Elijah: *dramatic sigh,,,closup of teary blue eyes* Who will save me from this plight?

Viggo: *steps forward, producing Narsil reforged from nowhere* You have my sword.

Elijah: Wow..thanx Viggo! But..aren’t you afraid I’ll steal the award from you?

Viggo: Why should I be? There are ten more backstage!

*the rest of the fellowship shyly hid their weapons and just then notice the large audience and copious TV cameras in front of them. They all force a smile.

Peter Jackson: *climbs up on stage, barefoot and wearing shorts of course, and approaches the mic.* A round of applause for The Fellowship and the spirit of Brotherhood!

As the curtain falls you see Elijah punching Sean in the shoulder and Sean bosing his head. At the same time we see Orlando and Viggo arguing in Elvish, and Billy and Dom beginning a game of ‘Tig’. John starts explaining to Ian what just happened with a many ‘hmm’s and ‘aha!’s from Ian.

- MelBaggins