The Fellowship of the Ring ala Gilbert and Sullivan

by onónë

Act II Scene 2… Rivendell


Our curtain opens on a sunny, airy room. Frodo wakes to a familiar voice…..

[“Now for the Pirates’ lair” from Pirates of Penzance]

GANDALF: Young Frodo!
FRODO: Who calls?
GANDALF: Your friendly Wizard.
SAM: And I, your faithful Sam.
FRODO: O dear companions, how did I come here?
The last thing I remember, I was drowning in the Ford of Bruinen.
Have mercy on me! Tell me ere you leave me.
SAM: I do not think we ought to overwhelm you.
GANDALF: But – you seem very well, and you did ask us
And so, I will be merciful and say on!


Gandalf explains in some detail everything that they couldn’t manage to stage and so conveniently left out – the flight to the ford, the flooding, Glorfindel (no wait… they could have at least included him!), the wraiths’ horses drowning and the trip to Rivendell. Then follow some touching, if silly, reunions and much dialogue as Frodo and his traveling companions meet over a large breakfast. Bilbo (he of the birthday party/disappearing act) also makes an appearance. Then Bilbo and Frodo are called to a meeting… leaving Merry and Pippin to get into all kinds of trouble.

At the Council, we meet all manner of people from many different races, leaving us looking at our programme and thinking, “Now who’s this… and who is that elf behind Strider? And are those Dwarves? But I guess they’d have to be with names like ‘Gimli’ and ‘Gloin.’” And we wonder why the playwright decided to introduce so many characters this late in the plot. But ours is not to reason why….

Elrond then embarks on a doom-and-gloom speech about Frodo’s inheritance, making him wonder why he’s always the last to know about such things. Elrond ends with a call to action, asking anyone present (himself excluded) to take the Ring into the middle of the Enemy’s territory and throw it into a volcano, always assuming they didn’t get burned to a crisp by hot lava first. But Boromir, a good-looking warrior type, speaks out….

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[“Is not this ridiculous” from Patience]

Boromir:
Now is not this ridiculous,
And is not this preposterous
A folly! An absurdity –
explain it if you can!
In stead of rushing eagerly to use the ring most powerfully
They all prefer this perilous and pessimistic plan!
Instead of using It to help us,
Change our fate instead of melt us,
Keep it a secret, keep it safe and use it when we can;
They’re actually toying with it, talking of destroying it;
That’s not what you’d expect from me, a military man!
They’re actually toying with it, talking of destroying it;
That’s not what you’d expect from me, a military man!


This statement, far from alleviating the tension, only causes a general “bust-up,” and quite a row it turns out to be, too. The dwarves don’t trust the elves; the elves won’t even look at the dwarves (something to do with their height, perhaps?); Strider, who we now discover is sort of a king, or something, argues with this Boromir chap, while Gandalf tries to calm everyone down by shouting even louder. Finally, Frodo, tiring of the mayhem, agrees to take the Ring….

[“My eyes are fully open” from Ruddygore ]

Frodo:
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation:
I shall take the Ring to Mordor, but not without some hesitation.
I shall cast it in the mountain if I sneak past their defenses,
And I do not want to think about the pending consequences.
Now I do not want to perish by the sword or by the arrow,
‘Cuz I thought that we were safe when we escaped from that dark barrow,
But although my knees will shake and although my teeth will chatter
I’ve got to take the Ring and so it really doesn’t matter.

Elrond:
No it really doesn’t matter (matter, matter, matter, matter)

Gandalf:
No it really doesn’t matter (matter, matter, matter, matter)

Elrond:
No it really doesn’t matter (matter, matter, matter, matter)

Gandalf:
No it really doesn’t matter (matter, matter, matter, matter)

Frodo:
No it really doesn’t matter….

Elrond:
No it really doesn’t matter….

Elrond, Gandalf and Frodo:
No it really doesn’t matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!

Aragorn:
If somehow by my life or death I manage to defend you
I would do it in an instant. I would really. I intend to!
Legolas:
And my bow is at your service, if its use you should require
I will join you on this mission, though the journey is most dire.
Gimli:
If an elf can make that promise, then a dwarf can’t be outdone.
To represent my race, I’ll go – just don’t ask me to run!
Gandalf:
But I think you’ll need my guidance, if I myself might flatter,
So I’ll come along, and then you’ll see what really doesn’t matter.

Elrond:
No it really doesn’t matter (matter, matter, matter, matter) etc.

Sam:
If Master Frodo’s going, I am to – and don’t you doubt me!
“Don’t you leave him, Samwise,” Gandalf said. So he can’t go without me!
Merry:
Hey now! Wait a sec. We’re coming, too. We’re not asking your permission!
Pippin:
You’ll need people of intelligence on this adventure… quest… thing… mission!
Boromir:
Well, Gondor swears to see this done, if it be the council’s will.
Elrond:
Hmmm, nine companions now, plus their faithful pony, Bill.
Two men, an elf, a dwarf, a wizard and four hobbits fatter
Are the Fellowship of the One Ring and all that really matter!

Fellowship:
Two men, an elf, a dwarf, a wizard and four hobbits fatter
Are the Fellowship of the One Ring and all that really matter!
Two men, an elf, a dwarf, a wizard and four hobbits fatter
Are the Fellowship of the One Ring and all that really matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!


And thus, the Fellowship is formed, and the curtain falls on Book 1 of the Lord of the Rings….