The Fellowship of the Ring ala Gilbert and Sullivan

by onónë
Act II Scene 1… to Weathertop

The curtain opens to a familiar tune….

[“From the Sunny Spanish shore” from Gondoliers]

Frodo
From the quiet Shire trend
The Master of Bag End
Sam
And his faithful gardener true
Merry
And his faithful cousin too
Pippin
And his cousin’s closest chum
On this mission, quest have come
On this mission, quest have come…
All
If ever, ever, ever they get back home
They never, never, never from that home will roam—
They never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never from that home will roam!...


But our small band of heroes is not the only group traveling vast distances on a small stage and singing. The Wraith chorus is in hot pursuit. And as they menacingly follow the small band, they sing….

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[“I am a Pirate King” from Pirates of Penzance]
(This song courtesy of Primula)

Witch-King:
Oh, better far to sniff and fly
Under the red-black flag I fly,
Though I play a servitudinous part
For a One-Eyed head with a blackened heart.
Apart from the living world, we frown,
Where flooding made our horses drown,
But I'll be true to the song I sing,
A wraith am I, an Undead King.
For I am an Undead King!
And it is, it is a hideous thing
To be an Undead King!
For I am an Undead Kiiiiing!
Wraiths:
You are!
Hurrah for the Undead King!
WITCH-KING:
And it is, it is a hideous thing
To be an Undead King.
WRAITHS:
It is!
Hurrah for the Undead King!
Hurrah for the Undead King!
WITCH-KING:
When I sally forth to seek my prey
I help myself in a royal way.
I shriek a few more times, it's true,
Than a well-bred monarch ought to do;
But if that king on his living throne,
Really wants to call his crown his own,
He must manage somehow to get through
The dirty work that ever I do,
For I am an Undead King!
And it is, it is a hideous thing
To be an Undead King!
For I am an Undead Kiiiiiiing!
WRAITHS:
You are!
Hurrah for the Undead King!
WITCH-KING:
And it is, it is a hideous thing
To be an Undead King.
WRAITHS:
It is!
Hurrah for the Undead King!
Hurrah for the
Undead King!


The two parties converge on Weathertop, a dark, foreboding scene made up of delapidated sets from old performances. The Wraith chorus converges on Frodo and demands the Ring…..

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[“With aspect stern and gloomy stride” from The Mikado]

Wraiths
With aspect stern and gloomy stride
We come to tan your little hide
Don’t hesitate…
Capitulate!
A dreadful fate
You’ll suffer all the same!
A dreadful fate
You’ll suffer all the same!

Strider
To ask you what you mean to do, I punctually appear.

Witch King
I wouldn’t speak to loud, dear sir: your end is very near.

Wraiths
The Dark Speech’s equivalent for Hear, hear, hear!

Frodo
What shall we do?

Other Hobbits
Yes, what to do?

Witch King
You all are through!

Wraiths
Yes, yes, you’re through!

Frodo
To yield my life, or the One Ring surrender?
Now I adore that Ring with passion tender
And could not yield it with a ready will
It is my lot,
But could I not
Adore myself with passion tenderer still?
With passion tenderer still?

Wraiths
Go on and love yourself with passion tenderer still!

Witch King
Give us the Ring!

Frodo
I will not give the Ring away!

Other Hobbits
Though you not live to see the day!

Frodo
And though my end may come too soon.

Witch King
It’s as you say, you’ve sealed your doom!

Together
Hobbits and Strider
Then let the throng our doom advance!
Wraiths
Then let our throng their doom advance!

Hobbits and Strider
We will not sing, nor merry dance.
Wraiths
But we will sing and merry dance!

Hobbits and Strider
Then let the throng our doom advance!
Wraiths
Then let our throng their doom advance!

Hobbits and Strider
We will not sing, nor merry dance….
Wraiths
But we will sing and merry dance!...

Pippin Solo
As in a moment you will die,
If what you say is true,
‘Twere empty compliment to cry
“Long life, long life to you!”
But as you’ve got a sporting chance
And are our dearest friend
This toast with three times three we’ll give –
“Long life, long life to you, long life to you,
Long life to you – till then!”


On this cheerful note, Pippin, Merry and Sam run for cover behind a dilapidated pirate boat from the company’s production of Penzance. Strider battles with Wraiths in the background, being extremely careful not to bend their cardboard weaponry. The Witch King advances on Frodo and they successfully execute the old “stab your opponent in the armpit and make it look like you got him in the chest” routine. Frodo falls to the ground. Strider chases the wraiths off stage and the curtain falls.