The Fellowship of the Ring ala Gilbert and Sullivan

by onónë

Act I Scene 2… Bree

When we come back from a brief intermission, we get the idea that the four intrepid hobbits have trekked quite a distance. The curtain rises to…

[“Twenty lovesick maidens we” from Patience]

4 Hobbits:
Four tired, weary Hobbits we,
Wand’ring ‘round from hill to hill
Twenty years hence shall we be
Four tired, weary Hobbits still?
Oh misery!

Finally the hobbits arrive at Bree and settle in for a relaxing evening of karaoke in the bar. Pippin’s number isn’t much of a success since Frodo, always one to steal the show (and any unguarded mushrooms on others’ plates), bounded up in the middle with a song of his own. Needless to say, things did not go swimmingly, and rather than sink into embarrassed silence, he decided to make a bit of a splash and disappear, in the best style of the Bagginses. This did not go unnoticed. His invisibility was visibly disturbing to one and all – especially a stranger in the corner who hadn’t sung one song all evening. Oddly enough, he chose this moment to step up to the mike and introduce himself: Strider, Ranger Extraordinaire… (extraordinarily grungy)….

[“Hail Poetry” from Pirates of Penzance]

Although my dark career
Sometimes involves things unappealing,
I’d rather think that I’m
Not altogether void of feeling.
Although I live by strife,
I’m always sorry to begin it,
For what, I ask, is life
Without a touch of Poetry in it?

Strider and Hobbit Chorus a capella
Hail, Poetry, thou heav'n-born maid!
Thou gildest e'en the ranger’s trade.
Hail, flowing fount of sentiment!
All hail, all hail, divine emollient!

On that note Strider, too, vanishes, although by more conventional means. He quickly calls a tête-à-tête with the hobbits and before Pippin can figure out what tête-à-tête means, Strider confronts them with the danger of the Ring. As soon as the immortal words “Not nearly frightened enough” are spoken, a mist starts rolling in from the VoodooJuice machine in the stage left wings, and with it come the Wraiths (incredibly scary beyond all reason!)….

[“Away, away” from Pirates of Penzance]

Witch King:
Away, away! my heart's on fire;
I burn, this base deception to repay.
This very night my vengeance dire
Shall glut itself in gore.
Away, away!

Frodo to the Hobbits:
Away, away! ere I expire--
I find my duty hard to do to-day!
My heart is filled with anguish dire,
It strikes me to the core. Away, away!

Witch King:
With falsehood foul
He tricked us of the Ring.
Let vengeance howl;
Thus says the Witch King.
At every turn
They took us by surprise,
And, in return,
To-night the hobbit dies.

Wraiths: Yes, yes, tonight the hobbits die!

Witch King and Wraiths: Yes, yes, tonight to the hobbits die!

Witch King: Tonight they die,

Wraith #2: yes, or early tomorrow

Wraith #3: Their friend likewise

Wraith #4: He will welter in sorrow

Wraith #5: We fear not his blade

Wraith #6: Even one he doth cherish

Wraith #7: He’s very afraid

Wraith #8: And next he will perish!

All Wraiths:
Tonight they die,
yes, or early tomorrow
Their friend likewise
He will welter in sorrow
We fear not his blade
Even one he doth cherish
He’s very afraid
And next he will perish!

Away away… tonight… tonight…
The Hobbits die tonight..

While concentrating on carrying a tune as well as frightening-looking weapons made of cardboard, the Wraith chorus fails to note that the hobbits and Strider have gone away, away and are hiding backstage. The curtain falls.