Old Gaffer's Sung to the Tune of...


Title:
A song that was cut from FOTR
If I Had the Magazine
Ode to Strider-man
Sponges, kilts, and Muu Muus
Gaffer's Got a Brand New Rake
Thank God I'm a Shire Hobbit
Sung to the Tune of:
Willy Wonka's Boatride
If I Only Had a Brain
Spiderman
Lawyers, Guns and Money
Papa's Got a Brand New Bag
Thank God I'm A Country Boy



A song that was cut from FOTR
(to the tune of Willy Wonka's boatride into Wonkatania)

There's no earthly way of knowing,
Which direction the ring is going!
There's no knowing where they're rowing,
The horn of Gondor is blowing!
Is it raining?
Is it snowing?
The Eye of Sauron's glowing
Bleh!
Not a speck of light is showing,
The dark lord must be growing.
Mount Doom is ever glowing
Sauron, the reaper, is mowing.
Yes, the danger must be growing,
But the bearers keep on going.....
- Old Gaffer

If I Had the Magazine
to the tune of "If I Only Had a Brain"

I could while away the hours
Reading amongst the flowers
Relaxing without strain.
And my head I'd be a-scratchin'
While my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I had the magazine.

I'd unravel all the articles
Inspectin' every particle
In the whole magazine.
With the thoughts I'd be a-thinkin'
I could hear the armor clinkin'
If I had the magazine.

Oh I could tell you all
The story behind Howard Shore
I could read of things I'd never read before
And then I'd sit, and read some more.

I would not be just a nothin'
My head all full of stuffin'
My nose stuck in the magazine.
I would laugh and I'd see Merry
I would be in no big hurry
If I had the magazine

- OldGaffer

Ode to Strider-man
(to the tune of Spiderman)

Strider-man, Strider-man
Does whatever a ranger can
Wields a sword, any size
Squashes orcs, just like flies
Look out! Here comes the Strider-man!

Is he strong? Listen, Bud!
He's got Numenor blood.
Run, Frodo, is what he said.
He just lopped off Lurtz's head.
Hey there, there goes the Strider-man!

Weathertop,in the chill of night,
At the scene of the crime
Like a streak of light
He arrives just in time

Strider-man, Strider-man
Friendly neighborhood Strider-man
Wealth and fame, he's ignored
Protecting Frodo is his reward
To him, life is a great big bang-up
Wherever there's a hang-up
You'll find the Strider-man!

- OldGaffer

Sponges, kilts, and Muu Muus
to the tune of Lawyers, Guns, And Money

Well, I went down to the Pony
The way I always do
How was I to know
I would get hit with the goo.

I was checking in the mailbox
I took a little risk
Found sponges, kilts and muu muus
Sam, get me out of this.

I'm the innocent Old Gaffer
Somehow I got stuck
Between the Pony and the Mailbox
And I'm down on my luck
And I'm down on my luck
And I'm down on my luck

Now I'm hiding in the garden
I'm a desperate fan
With sponges, kilts and muu muus
Please help me if you can.

With sponges, kilts and muu muus...

- OldGaffer

Gaffer's Got a Brand New Rake
to the tune of James Brown's Papas Got a Brand New Bag

*Starts strutting around*

Come here hobbit.....Gaffer's in the swing
He ain't too hip...about that new breed blade.
He ain't no fake
Gaffer's got a brand new rake.

Come here muu muu....and dig this crazy scene
He's not too fancy....but his rake is pretty clean
He ain't no fake.
Gaffer's got a brand new rake

He's doing the mambo....
He's doing the Fly
Don't play him cheap 'cause you know he ain't shy
He's doing the Monkey, the Mashed Potaters, Jump back Jack, See you later
olligator.

Come here hobbit
Gaffer's in the swing
He ain't too hip now
but I can dig that new breed blade;
He ain't no fake
He's got a brand new rake.

blushing from such a charade

- Old Gaffer

Thank God I'm a Shire Hobbit
 
by Old Gaffer Denver

Well life's in the Shire is kinda laid back,
ain't much an old country hobbit like me can hack.
It's early to rise, early in the sack:
Thank God I'm a Shire hobbit.
A simple kind of life never did me no harm,
raisin' me a family and workin' on a farm.
My days are all filled with an easy country charm:
Thank God I'm a Shire hobbit.

When the work's all done and the sun's settin' low
I check out the time and the countdown to the show.
But the fellowship's asleep so I keep it kinda low:
Thank God I'm a Shire hobbit.

I wouldn't trade my life for diamonds or jewels,
I never was one of them money hungry fools.
I'd rather have my mailbox and my farmin' tools:
Thank God I'm a Shire hobbit.

Well, my rake was my daddy's till the day he died,
and he took me by the hand and held me close to his side.
He said: Live a good life and grow them taters with pride,
and thank God you're a Shire hobbit.
- Old Gaffer