Things LOTR Characters Would Never Say

by Primula
With additions from Joyful, Shelob, Elethril, Gollum85, Evermind Greenleaf, Fatty Bolger, QueenBeruthiel'sCat, TrebleMaker, Tori*Took, Lindorie, Lady of the Shire and pi.

Sauron: I wonder why nobody likes me?

Elrond to Frodo: Hey, cool Ring! Want to trade?

Glorfindel: It's my horse. Nobody, but NOBODY rides him but me.

Treebeard: I'm sick and tired of trees. I want to go to the beach. Hoom.

Gimli to Treebeard: My axe? It's for chopping firewood, why?

Sam at Cirith Ungol: Oh boy! I finally get a turn!

Galadriel: Are you kidding? No one comes in here but elves. Toss the lot of them.

Any hobbit: Oh, no thank you! I couldn't eat another bite!

Sign on Bag End front gate: Come on in!

Sam to Galadriel: (raises eyebrow) A box of dirt. I don't suppose you've got any other rubbish you'd like me to take off your hands while I'm at it.

Tom Bombadil: Before you leave, my lads, Let me relate my life story, in case you have any questions-o.

Faramir: Ha! You fell for it! You halflings are so gullible.

Elrond: I don't know.

Frodo: It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance.
Gandalf: Good point.

Gollum: Well, Precious, since you obviously don't return my affections, I think it's time for me to move on.

Aragorn: Anyone know where we are? I haven't the slightest idea.

Frodo: You know, Sam, I really miss Lobelia.

Legolas: I'm so sorry Gimli, we Elves really have been untrustworthy, haven't we?

Pippin: Actually, on second thought, maybe I shouldn't do this.

Sam: There's no way we'll ever get out of this, Mr. Frodo. Give up, we're doomed.

Gandalf: Well done, Pippin!

Eowyn: Boy am I glad us girls don't have to fight in that yucky war.

Denethor: Whatever you want to do is fine with me.

Arwen to the Nazgul: You want him? Okay.

Elrond: I know, let's have Pippin go along with them. What harm could he do?

Gandalf to Saruman: Nice place you have here! I bet the view from the roof is really something to see.

Sauron to Frodo: Oh no problem, I didn't mind you borrowing it at all!

Legolas: Let's linger here for a while.

Pippin: Be careful.

Saruman: One of the halflings carries something of great value, so be sure you don't bother them.

Tom Bombadil: Enjoy your lunch, Old Man Willow.

Aragorn: On second thought, let's not go to Minas Tirith.

Boromir: The Ring? Oh, no thanks.

Tom Bombadil: Get out! This is private property!

Cirdan: Ship? What ship?

Gollum: Wow, that speech therapy really paid off, my precious.

Eowyn: Aragron and Arwen are SUCH a cute couple!

Denethor: Wow! That was a great idea to give the Ring to some halfling! I never would have thought of it! That Gandalf sure is smart!

Elrond: Let's send Bilbo, he started this mess, he can finish it!

Gimli: Maybe I should shave...


Additions:

Bilbo: Elves, shmelves. I'm staying in The Shire! (Joyful)

Shelob: Please come in, I will prepare some tea for you both! (Shelob)

Arwen to Aragorn (as they are about to kiss): Ugh, sweetie, take some tic-tacs or something. (Elethril)

Frodo to Sam (outside the gates of Mordor): Look, if we built this large wooden badger.. (Gollum85)

Legolas to Gimli: I need a change, what color is your hair? *dye red no.3? I like it. (Evermind Greenleaf)

Denethor to Faramir: I always like you better than Boromir, he had such a temper.

Gollum to Sam: Yum, I do like fisssssssssh sssssssstew.

Boromir: Mordor? Yeah, great place! Faramir, Dad and I vacation there every year! (QueenBeruthiel'sCat)

Frodo: You're late! Gandalf: I know, I'm really sorry, traffic was just awful!

Gwahir: Fly to Mordor? What are you nuts? I don't care if we're going to rescue King Elessar himself, I'm not getting my feathers scorched for anyone!

Lurtz to Saruman: No thanks, I'm vegetarian. (TrebleMaker)

Aragorn to Lurtz: Hey, thanks for getting rid of that troublemaker for us!

Galadriel: Does this aura make me look fat?

Celeborn: Don't interrupt, I'm not done talking yet!

Gandalf: You know Frodo, you're right...I should have left a little earlier... sorry to have kept you waiting! (Tori*Took)

Frodo: Could I have some mushrooms?
Farmer Maggott: Sure! I'd be more than willing to give these away!

Balin: HAHAHA! I fooled you all! I'm not really dead! I was just pretending!

Aragorn to Arwen: You cannot give this to me!
Arwen: You're right, what was I thinking!?

Gandalf the Merry and Pip: You set those fireworks off? I never would have guessed!

Aragorn to Gimli: could I toss you over?
Gimli to Aragorn: Yes, of course!

Gandalf: I really hate short people, and this leaf is giving me a headache. And this scrawny grubby guy thinks he's going to be King? hahahahahahaha ! (Lindorie)

Gandalf: heheheh I'm baa-aack!

Legolas: Anybody up for a game of dwarf-tossing?

Ringwraith: Ohh what a nice cozy fire! Can we warm up a bit?

Elrond: Take my daughter.....please!

Boromir: No way am I going back to that crazy old man! My dad's flipping nuts!

Aragorn to Boromir: Nyah, nyah, nyah...I'm going to be Ki-ing!

Frodo: (after watching Galadriel's transformation): Whoa! This is some freaky babe!

Pippin: What, another breakfast? No thanks! (Lady of the Shire)

Sam: That Gollum is just such a dear little thing!

Gimli: Nothing I like better than a walk in the forest!

Legolas to Gimli: Ooh, let's go into that cave!

Gandalf: (to Balrog): "no, after YOU!" (pi)

Denethor (to Gandalf): "Sure, Aragorn can be king, with my blessings!"

Nazgul Lord (at the gate of Minas Tirith): Can I come in please?

Fatty Bolger: I wish I weren't so fat - I wish I were wraith-ish! (Fatty Bolger)

- Primula