Things LOTR Characters Would Never Say
With additions from Joyful, Shelob, Elethril, Gollum85, Evermind Greenleaf,
Fatty Bolger, QueenBeruthiel'sCat, TrebleMaker, Tori*Took, Lindorie,
Lady of the Shire and pi.
I wonder why nobody likes me?
Elrond to Frodo:
Hey, cool Ring! Want to trade?
It's my horse. Nobody, but NOBODY rides him but me.
I'm sick and tired of trees. I want to go to the beach. Hoom.
Gimli to Treebeard:
My axe? It's for chopping firewood, why?
Sam at Cirith Ungol:
Oh boy! I finally get a turn!
Are you kidding? No one comes in here but elves. Toss the lot of them.
Oh, no thank you! I couldn't eat another bite!
Sign on Bag End front gate:
Come on in!
Sam to Galadriel:
A box of dirt. I don't suppose you've got any other rubbish you'd
like me to take off your hands while I'm at it.
Before you leave, my lads, Let me relate my life story,
in case you have any questions-o.
Ha! You fell for it! You halflings are so gullible.
I don't know.
It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance.
Well, Precious, since you obviously don't return my affections, I think it's
time for me to move on.
Anyone know where we are? I haven't the slightest idea.
You know, Sam, I really miss Lobelia.
I'm so sorry Gimli, we Elves really have been untrustworthy, haven't we?
Actually, on second thought, maybe I shouldn't do this.
There's no way we'll ever get out of this, Mr. Frodo. Give up, we're doomed.
Well done, Pippin!
Boy am I glad us girls don't have to fight in that yucky war.
Whatever you want to do is fine with me.
Arwen to the Nazgul:
You want him? Okay.
I know, let's have Pippin go along with them. What harm could he do?
Gandalf to Saruman:
Nice place you have here! I bet the view from the roof is really something to see.
Sauron to Frodo:
Oh no problem, I didn't mind you borrowing it at all!
Let's linger here for a while.
One of the halflings carries something of great value, so be sure you don't bother them.
Enjoy your lunch, Old Man Willow.
On second thought, let's not go to Minas Tirith.
The Ring? Oh, no thanks.
Get out! This is private property!
Ship? What ship?
Wow, that speech therapy really paid off, my precious.
Aragron and Arwen are SUCH a cute couple!
Wow! That was a great idea to give the Ring to some halfling! I never would have
thought of it! That Gandalf sure is smart!
Let's send Bilbo, he started this mess, he can finish it!
Maybe I should shave...
Elves, shmelves. I'm staying in The Shire! (Joyful)
Please come in, I will prepare some tea for you both! (Shelob)
Arwen to Aragorn
(as they are about to kiss):
Ugh, sweetie, take some tic-tacs or something. (Elethril)
Frodo to Sam
(outside the gates of Mordor):
Look, if we built this large wooden badger.. (Gollum85)
Legolas to Gimli:
I need a change, what color is your hair? *dye red no.3? I like it. (Evermind Greenleaf)
Denethor to Faramir:
I always like you better than Boromir, he had such a temper.
Gollum to Sam:
Yum, I do like fisssssssssh sssssssstew.
Mordor? Yeah, great place! Faramir, Dad and I vacation there every year!
You're late! Gandalf: I know, I'm really sorry, traffic was just awful!
Fly to Mordor? What are you nuts? I don't care if we're going to rescue King Elessar
himself, I'm not getting my feathers scorched for anyone!
Lurtz to Saruman:
No thanks, I'm vegetarian. (TrebleMaker)
Aragorn to Lurtz:
Hey, thanks for getting rid of that troublemaker for us!
Does this aura make me look fat?
Don't interrupt, I'm not done talking yet!
You know Frodo, you're right...I should have left a little earlier...
sorry to have kept you waiting! (Tori*Took)
Could I have some mushrooms?
Sure! I'd be more than willing to give these away!
HAHAHA! I fooled you all! I'm not really dead! I was just pretending!
Aragorn to Arwen:
You cannot give this to me!
You're right, what was I thinking!?
Gandalf the Merry and Pip:
You set those fireworks off? I never would have guessed!
Aragorn to Gimli:
could I toss you over?
Gimli to Aragorn:
Yes, of course!
I really hate short people, and this leaf is giving me a headache. And this
scrawny grubby guy thinks he's going to be King? hahahahahahaha ! (Lindorie)
heheheh I'm baa-aack!
Anybody up for a game of dwarf-tossing?
Ohh what a nice cozy fire! Can we warm up a bit?
Take my daughter.....please!
No way am I going back to that crazy old man! My dad's flipping nuts!
Aragorn to Boromir:
Nyah, nyah, nyah...I'm going to be Ki-ing!
(after watching Galadriel's transformation):
Whoa! This is some freaky babe!
What, another breakfast? No thanks! (Lady of the Shire)
That Gollum is just such a dear little thing!
Nothing I like better than a walk in the forest!
Legolas to Gimli:
Ooh, let's go into that cave!
"no, after YOU!" (pi)
"Sure, Aragorn can be king, with my blessings!"
(at the gate of Minas Tirith):
Can I come in please?
I wish I weren't so fat - I wish I were wraith-ish! (Fatty Bolger)